Bad Dreams

February 16, 2011
By just-another-url GOLD, Cannes, Other
just-another-url GOLD, Cannes, Other
16 articles 6 photos 151 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It's a good thing to be strange. Normalness leads to sadness." -Philip Lester


"Mommy"
I looked up from my computer. It was Trudy, calling for mom. I stood up from my desk, opened the door, crossed the hall that separated my little sister's bedroom from my own and peeked in to see what she wanted.
"Trudy, what are you doing up ?" I asked gently. "It's late, you should be asleep."
I heard her whimper and sniff. Her pink flower night-light was glowing and I saw the tears spilling from her eyes.
I slide into her bed, letting her rest her head against my shoulder. "Baby, what's wrong ?" But I already knew.
She wiped the tears from her cheeks and said "I had a bad dream." Then she started sobbing again.
"Was it the same one ?"
She nodded.
Since mom died, Trudy had had the same nightmare over and over. She would wake up crying and call out for mother. She wouldn't sleep the rest of the night and after a few weeks of this same routine, aunt Lorraine made an appointment to see a shrink. Trudy didn't to go but once I told her that I'd be with her the hole time and that after we would go out for ice-cream, she'd agreed.
The shrink hadn't help, finally about ten sessions later, aunt Lorraine let her stop going. But the dreams never left.
"Can you tell me about it ?" I asked her.
"It -it was dark. A scary face, white... no- gray. And cold, I was so cold."
I handed her a kleenex and pushed her golden locks out of her face. The dark, it was dark when my little sister and I found our mother in the bathtub, her wrists cut open and the water red from her blood. A scary face, gray, mommy's face, her expression. Cold, mom's body was freezing, Trudy and I had left for the weekend to stay with our father. Our parents were divorced for the obvious reason, mom was depressive. Had always been. She said that she was getting better but she wasn't, it was all an act. The pills that should have helped her only made her worse. When we found her body, she had been dead for a while. Maybe she killed herself after sis and I'd left, Friday night. Or she might have done it on Saturday morning. No one will ever know.
I heard dad walking down the hall to Trudy's room. Poor dad, he had to take care of us and work, and cook, and wash laundry, and pay the bills, and clean the house. Aunt Lorraine helped when she could but she had children and a house of her own. Daddy was a mommy and a dad. He didn't have any time to himself anymore. I helped when I could but I had my responsibilities too.
"What's going own in here ?" He said. "Trudy honey, why are you crying ?"
She looked up from my neck and told him about her bad dream. I could see dad's worry lines on his forehead, he was so tiered. He walked into my baby sister's kingdom of stuffed animals and dolls. Sat on the bed and put his arms around us both.
"Nightmares can be scary, I know." He whispered, almost to himself. "And I know how much you miss mommy, but remember, even tough what she did was horrible, she did it because she was lost. She was weak. And she simply couldn't take it anymore. But mommy, also wouldn't want to see you like this. She might have wanted to end her life but she still wants you two to live yours." He sighed. " Mommy will love you forever and she wants you to be happy. To live the life she couldn't live." And with that he gave us a big hug that I guess was his way of giving us his strength.



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This article has 9 comments.


on Aug. 7 2011 at 10:15 pm
just-another-url GOLD, Cannes, Other
16 articles 6 photos 151 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It's a good thing to be strange. Normalness leads to sadness." -Philip Lester

Thank you ( by the way, I am still reading your book, it's great :) Almost done. I will definitely comment when I finish ). 

on Aug. 7 2011 at 8:17 pm
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

Aside from the few spelling mistakes, I really enjoyed this!!! So touching and sad! Easy to read, and a great story :)

on Jul. 5 2011 at 2:26 pm
InPurpleInk BRONZE, SomewhereOverTheRainbow, Other
3 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You are a lover of words; someday you will write a book." ~Chinese fortune

Ooh, yeah, I can imagine dyslexia would be hard to work around at times...

Anyway, no problem!  Glad to help! :)


on Jul. 5 2011 at 1:18 pm
just-another-url GOLD, Cannes, Other
16 articles 6 photos 151 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It's a good thing to be strange. Normalness leads to sadness." -Philip Lester

Thank you so much, I envoy when people critique my work, it helps me to not repeat my mistakes. 

As for the spelling I have dyslexia so my corrector doesn't find all my errors, thanks for pointing them out :) 

 


on Jul. 5 2011 at 9:24 am
InPurpleInk BRONZE, SomewhereOverTheRainbow, Other
3 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You are a lover of words; someday you will write a book." ~Chinese fortune

Hey!  So, I like the format of this.  It wraps up very nicely at the end.  The content looks pretty good overall. However, I did find some grammar/spelling issues, so I'll point those out for you.

First: "Mommy!" "Mommy." "Mommy?" Don't forget punctuation.  Is she shouting for her?  Asking for her?

Next, it says "Trudy, calling for mom."  I don't know that everyone does this, but sometimes it looks nice to capitalize words like "Mom" or "Dad" in this format, since they're used as proper nouns.  As opposed to "calling for her mom," for example.

"I stood up from my desk, opened the door..." This seems like a run-on sentence.  I got a little lost reading it.  Also, maybe add some details, such as "my bedroom door" for clarity.  Then split up the sentence a bit.

"what are you doing up?" (no space between "up" and "?").  This happens again later on in the story, so just keep an eye out.

I "slid" (past-tense as opposed to present).

and said, "I had a bad dream." (add a comma)

"Aunt Lorraine made an appointment for her to see a shrink" makes more sense if you mean Trudy was going to see a shrink.  Unless it's the whole family going, or something like that, then you might use "for us."

"I'd be with her the whole time" (spelling)"

"shrink hadn't helped" (past-tense).  Also, I'd end the sentence there:  "hadn't heldped. Finally, after ten sessions, Aunt Lorraine..."

"Kleenex" should be capitalized, since it is a brand name.

"The dark.  It was dark..." (This reads easier, and helps punctuate the word "dark")

"What's going on" (spelling error)

"He was so tired" (speling again)

"He walked into my baby sister's kingdom of stuffed animals and dolls." Awww...I love the way you describe that.  Very cute.  It contradicts the darkness of the rest of the scene nicely, as well.

"Nightmares can be scary, I know," he whispered.  (A lot of people get confused with this.  Basically, you should have the sentences attached if it's a direction or a direct tag to what was said).  For example, "I like to read," he said, as opposed to "I like to read." He said.  ("He said" shouldn't be all alone as a sentence).  However, you could say: "I like to read." He said this quietly, staring down at the floor.  (He said.... becomes a full sentence).  Sorry if I just confused you more! >.<

"Even though" (spelling error)

"But Mommy also wouldn't" (no comma needed)

I love the content in the last sentence, however, to make it easier to read: "And with that, he gave us a big hug.  I guess that was his way of giving us his strength." or "That, I guess, was his way or giving us his strength."

So, there you have it.  I like to give a nice close-critique when people ask for feedback, so I hope this is okay! :) I like your style; you've definitely got potential.  Just keep on the lookout for those grammar and spelling issues, and I think you'll do really well!  Nice work! :)

 

 

 


on May. 8 2011 at 6:29 am
just-another-url GOLD, Cannes, Other
16 articles 6 photos 151 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It's a good thing to be strange. Normalness leads to sadness." -Philip Lester

thanks !! :D

on May. 8 2011 at 6:29 am
just-another-url GOLD, Cannes, Other
16 articles 6 photos 151 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It's a good thing to be strange. Normalness leads to sadness." -Philip Lester

thank you !!!

PJD17 SILVER said...
on May. 5 2011 at 7:33 pm
PJD17 SILVER, Belleville, Illinois
8 articles 0 photos 624 comments

Favorite Quote:
I do the best imatation of myself- Ben Folds

This is good  your a good short storiest keep it up

on Feb. 23 2011 at 5:29 pm
Shrien PLATINUM, Brooklyn, New York
23 articles 7 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When one door closes, another one opens"

Oh my god.

I started crying when I read this.

So touching and beautiful.

Keep it up!!!





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