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When I'm Gone

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Jake,
This weekend one of my friends told me I have thin legs and that I am beautiful. I haven't heard that in a long time. I got on the scale this morning; for the first time in forever I don't care what the number says, I am going to eat.
These words are mine, submitted to a website, yet not mine at all. It’s true I haven’t heard that in a while. It was so amazing hearing that; I ate two full meals that day. But it’s not true. I do care about what the scale says. 117.4lbs is not good enough, but I ate. Not because I wanted to get better but because it is what you want to see. I told you on a whim, you don’t care; at least that’s what it looks like. You don’t want to keep my secret. So, I’ll eat, if only to ease your burden. Although it will only ease for a short time; I hope that when I’m gone you will miss me.
A few weeks ago, I told you everything. How I skip breakfast, lunch, and only eat small portions at dinner, claiming I ate a ton at school. How, I hate myself, never feel beautiful, and don’t get why people seem to like me. You told me that you understood. If he really understood he would have said that he thought I was beautiful, even if it was a lie. You can’t understand the will power it takes to only eat a few bites of food, the amount of hate it takes to starve you’re self, or how painful it is to hear people jokingly make fun of you about the same things you hate yourself for. No one can fully comprehend what I’m going through. Yet you somehow say you do. If you do, or if you don’t you are amazing, and one of the sweetest guys I have ever met.
I wonder what it is exactly that draws me to you. After the way you treat me, why do I still keep coming back to you? If I could I’d go back in time and make it so we never met. Somehow make it that you were in another class. Make it so that two of my best friends didn’t fall for you at the same time I did, so I wouldn’t have to eventually choose between them and you. There’s something about you, the way you smell, the way you smile, the way you know that all the girls want you but you don’t seem to care. They say that confidence is irresistible yet somehow you have reached the impossible; confident without egotistical, considerate but aloof. You were and still are impossible to reach yet right in front of me. You were a whole lot of conflicting opposites combined into one perfect person. I think that I told you because I had hit rock bottom that night. Watching you stare at her all night, tell her how gorgeous she is, even though she didn’t know it. I don’t know if you know but she has to make the same decision that I did. I hope she knows that although friends are forever, you are a once in a lifetime opportunity and if she missed it because of me I would never ever forgive myself. If you were to go out with anyone other than me she would be one of the few people that I wouldn’t mind it. I wish she’d understand that, but I know she’d never and it breaks my heart to know that she’d choose me and our other friend in the world over you. It isn’t hard to see that she longs to be something more to you; it’s even easier to see that she means the world to you but you don’t want to admit it. When I’m gone I want her to be the only one that you put your arm around, the only one that you hold. I want you to hold on tight a never let her go. She means the world to me.
Our other friend likes you, but I think she sees you more as a brother. I know you’ve never seen her when she breaks down and cries. You’ve never known anything other than the sweet girl she shows people. It’s true she is sweet ,but she has so much going on that she doesn’t show people. I don’t know how she manages to smile all the time. I wish she could have a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen. When I’m gone I want you to be to brother she never had. Let her tell you all of her problems and tell her it will be okay. I give you my fill permission to break any boys leg that hurts her, maim him do whatever you need to get even with him.
I’m not going to address why I’m leaving that is for me to know and only me. I’ve always had problems and probably always would have. It doesn’t matter. Tell everyone that I love them and that me leaving had nothing to do with them. Don’t let them feel guilty. I’m leaving this to you because I trust you and know that everyone does too. You are amazing, so are they.
Your Friend,
Nicole





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