The end is really a beggining

January 28, 2011
By , National City, CA
To think that I was only 12 and saw no future for me would only darken up my day. I was always so negative and angry at the world, never looking forward for a new day. There was never a night that I wouldn’t pray that I wouldn’t wake up from my sleep. I would always get caught up in my own thoughts, and felt like the world was out to get me. I didn’t care about myself and I certainly didn’t care for others. I had very low self-esteem and would think of myself as a very hideous person.
I was raised by a single mother because my father walked out of our lives on my fourth birthday. My mother, being the single mother that she was, doing what she had to do to survive, would work two jobs, sometimes even three, and wouldn’t come home until 1 or 2 in the morning. Therefore, I hardly ever got to see her or spend time with her. A lot of things had to change in order to keep us under a roof and in good health, but I didn’t realize that back then. I would blame my mother for everything and had no respect towards her what so ever, screaming at her for things she didn’t even do, taking my anger out on her. I was quite rebellious and did pretty much whatever I felt like doing, whether she liked it or not.
It was a Tuesday afternoon and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to die more than anything in the world. Not thinking of anyone but myself, I went straight home from school, knowing no one would be home because it was a Tuesday, which meant I got out of school early. I got home and went to lay in bed, trying the best I could do to relax by breathing in and breathing out. As I was laying there, I started thinking about how it would be to actually die, where I would go, and what would happen to me. Then I started thinking about why I was not happy. Maybe it was because my dad wasn’t around. Maybe it was because my mom was never around. Maybe it was because I had very low self esteem and didn’t like who I had become. Either way, I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t happy; I just knew I that I wasn’t , so I thought I had the right to try and take my life away.
I got up and locked all the doors and windows and unplugged the house phone. I wanted no interruptions for what I had in mind. I went into the bathroom and stared in the mirror, asking myself if this was really what I wanted to do, but I didn’t even think twice. I opened the mirror above the sink and the first thing I saw was an Advil container. Opening it up and counting them, I saw there were only 22 left. I began popping most of them, one by one, deciding to leave just 2 behind. As I went back to bed to fall asleep, wishing once more not to wake up from my sleep. No matter how many times I wished for that to happen, it would just never come true. A few hours later I remember waking up awfully dizzy, not being able to really breathe, not being able to call for help. Hopeless, scared, and worried, I suddenly got the urge to throw up. I ended up throwing up everything I had taken, plus more. It just wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t stand. All I can do was throw up. After a while I was finally able to stand and I rushed to the bathroom having to throw up again. I then called my mom and let her know I needed her and that I wasn’t feeling good at all, not mentioning to her my stupidity. As I called her, I felt as If I was wasting my time because she was working and wouldn’t be able to just leave, but surprisingly, she did. She got home and saw me crying, rolled up in a ball on her bed, with my face so frightened that all she could do was run up to me and hold me.
It felt so good to be held, to be loved and to know that I was absolutely wrong. All I can think to myself was that my mother does love me. It was the best feeling in the world to just be held in her arms again, for her to tell me that she loves me and for her to come out of her way to come and take care of me. I realized so many things that day. For example, how I am somebody, how people do care about me, and how alone I just felt at the moment. I just needed someone to remind me, to tell me they’re still there for me, and that they care about me. Everyone has their own responsibilities to maintain, so my needs can’t always come first. That day completely changed my life. I was so thankful that my wish never came true because I then realized that I’m here for a reason and my mission is to figure out why I’m here, and no matter how alone or insignificant I might feel, I should trust that I have a place in this universe where I am truly loved.

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