In the Middle

February 1, 2011
Lost, that’s how I am. Which way is left, and which is right? For me it changes daily. Am I insane? I really don’t know. Sometimes I am; other times, I’m not so sure.
It sucks to be in the middle.

As I walk down Harper Avenue I watch as all the gold, bronze, and russet leaves flutter softly to the awaiting ground; occasionally being swept away by the swift, cool breeze. Right now, I want to be like them, free with no cares or worries in the world, forever caught between one wind and the next. Needless to say, I can’t be. Life’s simplicities elude me time and time again, always slipping through my grasp. Sort of the way water never stays pooled in your hands, no matter how tightly you lace them together.

Right now I am peaceful, but I can hear insanities gentle voice calling out to me, urging me to get lost in my mind; it’s a shame how tempting her voice can be.

“Why won’t the voices leave me alone!?!” I shriek into my pillow as another anguish filled sob escapes my throat. I feel my mind slipping; I am about to rampage, about to tear and shred anything that gets within my grasp. I feel a sharp pinch in my arm. An unwelcome darkness envelopes me; dragging me down into its endless cold, I feel as though I will forever be trapped in this frozen, bone-chilling state.

In my dream I see my life. Two ropes of reality pulling ever tighter in two different directions. Pain seers through my mind like fire. Leaving me sobbing and wanting to die; but I know I can’t, to many people have come to care.

Finally awake, I’m soaked through will sweat. My face is tight from my dried tears. The voices are gone now, hopefully never to return. But I know that that is just too much to wish for.

It’s been three weeks since my last “episode”, and now a blanket of the purest white snow rests upon the ground. I look out my window and stare in awe and the crystalline frost that covers it, marveling at each little sparkle. Everything is forever frozen in winter’s icy grip until spring comes to melt it into gentle springs that I let flow through my toes. I feel good, and I love the cold. It clears my muddled head and lets me think clearly. Now is perfect for a walk.

Running, skipping, and dancing through the powdery snow I pass the usually lush park in the middle of town. Is see a group of kids laughing and playing; oh, how I yearn to be like them, free to enjoy the more trivial things in life. When they see me they abruptly stop making innocent snow angles and merry snowmen to go with them. Then as one, they all pick up a clump of snow, and start throwing it at me. They joyfully start laughing at my obvious pain and start yelling, “Retard, Retard!!” as if it’s some sacred chant and continue to pelt me with a searing combination of snow and ice that rips not only into my skin, but into my soul too. I break inside and run, with tears falling freely onto my snowy face and freezing just as quickly as they escape my eyes.

I run to the river. Depression, rage, and hurt coursing through my veins; bleeding into the center of my very being. Insanities voice tells me, so sincerely, that death is the only way to fix my shattered soul that I have to believe her. Thousands of images race through my mind. Scenes of guilt, remorse, and humility play back in my head so that I can fully feel their claws rip into my heart. I am sure now, that suicide is best. As I prepare, for my one last eternal release from my pain, to plunge into the icy river, a new image burns itself into my mind. This one is of love and compassion. It’s of my parents, in a time when they weren’t worried about my mental stability. This one picture stops me completely. I can’t go through with this last act now.

As I turn to walk away, I slip on a sheet of nearly invisible ice. Slipping, sliding, and stumbling, I grudgingly plunge into the unforgiving river and instantly sink to the bottom. I get stuck in between two boulders, and as I take one last watery breath, my last thought is nearly the same as one of my first. It really SUCKS to be stuck in the middle.

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This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

You Know Who... said...
Feb. 16, 2011 at 4:43 pm
wow tht was really good... it gave me chills... no joke!
kagebrubak replied...
Feb. 16, 2011 at 4:51 pm
thanks, and i love your username thingy
Weepingwllow said...
Feb. 5, 2011 at 9:43 pm
Wow that was really good. I was almost crying at the end. Good job though
kagebrubak replied...
Feb. 16, 2011 at 4:52 pm
thanks, that was my first piece on this website
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