Conditional Love

January 30, 2011
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It started with a fight and ended with one. Jane walked to her apartment on Central Park West, in New York City. Her slow steps dragged her to the lobby. Not hesitating to take the stairs instead of the elevator. All she thought about was the more time she took, the less time she had to hear about how much of a disappointment she was to her mother.

Beautiful. That was one of the many great words that others used to describe Jane Ann Beller. One of the many great words used to describe Jane with meanings, that she didn’t even know were possible to be used to describe her. She was skinny, popular, great with fashion, and everybody liked her. Although the one person who was supposed to love her most; didn’t think any of those things. Her mother. Her mother who looked exactly like Jane. Wavy brown locks, with natural caramel high lights, and deep blue eyes. Not to mention perfectly straight teeth. Although she didn’t seem to have anything against Jane, in fact she loved Jane, until about a year go. Which is when it all started with the fight.

Jane had just entered her apartment on the 20th floor, practically tripping through the doorway. She was quite clumsy. Recovered, she looked up to see her mothers tear streaked face staring back at her. Jane knew what had happened, because it happened a lot. Her mom and dad had gotten in a fight and he had left, that always happened. But no this time it was different. Her mom was crying. Her mom never cried. This was something she couldn’t ignore. She then hesitantly asked, “Where’s dad?”
Her mom looked her dead in the eye. Was that hatred Jane saw in those beautiful eyes? Was it directed at her? “Gone.” Her mother said sternly.
Jane never heard her sound so sure. “Um, gone?” She asked.
“GONE, and its your fault. You are the reason we’d fight. You caused him to leave me!” She was accusing her.
“Wait, what? How?” Jane had no idea what was going on.
“Shut up! You’re a stupid, ugly, and fat child. Lose some weight. You’re an embarrassment to what is no longer a family.” Her mom kept going.
“But…” SMACK. Jane was slapped right across the cheek, mid sentence.
She touched her right cheek that had been smacked. Her eyebrows wrinkled and she looked at her mother, tears welled up in her eyes. She ran. Jane did not want this woman to see what pain she caused. It was not only the physically pain of the bruise that was left on her cheek, but also the emotional pain. Realizing that the one person who was supposed to love her always, didn’t. So Jane’s first thought was that she wanted to be loved. Looking in the mirror, Jane began to see what her mother saw. What could she do about it?
Ugly - nothing.
Stupid - not much more.
Fat – she could get rid of.
But, how? Exercise?
No. Exercise took time. Time meant patience. Jane had no patience. Why take the long road when there’s a shorter one right next to it, leading to the same place? She began to binge eat and purge. Jane would come home; no dad, still a disappointment. So she’d punish herself with less food before purging. Weight loss became a common thing for her body. Although, she wasn’t specifically focused on her weight, but more on what her mother thought. In fact the only thing she cared about out was proving herself to her mother. Proving she could indeed do something right, like get thin. She wanted her mom to think skinny, beautiful, and smart when she saw her. She wanted her mom to love her again. But you know what they say Jane thought, dream big. Jane had been referred to as many things in her life but nobody would have ever even guessed to refer to her as a bulimic. Until that one day she realized what was happening to herself. She was trying to please a woman by doing the opposite of what she wanted her to do, remaining alive. Lets face it, Jane Beller’s mother didn’t want her there, her mom didn’t want her alive. So that night Jane snuck into her mother’s medicine cabinet and stole her mother’s prescription. She ran into her purple room, covered with band posters such as The Maine and MCR, and swallowed the whole bottle. That very second her mother came in screaming her usually words, full of hatred. This time it was about school.
“What are you planning on doing with your life, Jane?! Sitting there just looking stupid, fat, and ugly isn’t going to help you with anything. What are you going to do when you grow up?!” She was screaming.
Jane started to sway and things went blurry.
“I’m not planning on growing up.” She stuttered and dropped to the floor.

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