Homemade McDonalds

January 26, 2011
By PhebeH. BRONZE, Santa Rosa, California
PhebeH. BRONZE, Santa Rosa, California
3 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If the glory can be killed, we are lost" -John Steinbeck

We’ve all tasted heaven before. The mouth-watering Big Macs, the juicy Chicken McNuggets, the hearty Egg McMuffin, the refreshingly chilly McFlurry, and even the irresistible fluffy fries—all these delectable, lip-smacking creations must certainly be the victuals of gods and angels. A meal at McDonald's, under those divine golden arches, is a time-honored tradition that evokes ineffable bliss and pleasure for all fast-food fanatics. You sit on the spotless plastic seat, biting into the soft bun, letting your teeth slowly seep their way into the juicy mayo sauce, then the flavorsome cheese, and finally into the succulent meat. You pop in a French fry between chews, washing down the mouthful with a long slurp of Coke, and end with a flourishing lick of the beautiful grease on your fingers. But wouldn’t it be phenomenal if, instead of journeying all the way to the neighborhood McDonald's, you could enjoy a homemade McDonalds meal right in the comfort of your very own kitchen? The McDonald's menu, in all its resplendent glory, can be recreated with miraculous simplicity and ease.

One of the tastiest dishes to create is the renowned McChicken, complete with crunchy tender breaded chicken and toasted bun.

The first step: acquire some chickens. High-quality, plump chickens can be shipped to you from Brazil or Thailand, packed in a steel cage of diminutive size for easy maintenance and storage. You will find that each chicken has at least 10 x 10 inches to stand upright and may be stacked on top of each other for space efficiency. The chicken cage can be placed in any murky, dusty closet or, more preferably, a humid garage with a dripping roof. Raise the chickens for forty days, sporadically injecting each with diethylstilbestrol (DES), an estrogen hormone that will fatten the figure of your poultry, making these luscious ladies plump and juicy. Be warned though: 5% of your chickens will unfortunately perish within this forty day period—a small price to pay, however, for the delicious meal soon to come.

For the slaughtering process, begin by herding the chickens out of their transport crates and hanging them upside-down in those archaic metal shackles you have lying around. Connect an electric unit and use a mild electrical shock to render the chickens unconscious. Then, working quickly, slit each throat and then immerse the chickens in scalding-hot water, even if they are alive and able to feel pain. In this way, the chickens are de-feathered, de-blooded, and de-lifed in one effortless movement.

Now comes the most important step to making a McChicken: the mechanical separation. Using your standard mechanical-meat separation machine, drop your pile of pale, plucked carcasses into the churning blades. The machine will (somewhat) perfunctorily isolate and discard the large bones and claws, letting the meat, tendons, muscle tissue, eyeballs, and smaller bones to pass through a grinder. The end result spouting out of the end pipe will be a stream of pink, finely-ground paste, the texture of soft-serve ice cream.

Wash the mixture with a bucket of ammonia to eradicate the teeming bacteria, then use bleach and artificial flavoring to bring out the savory flavors within. For enhanced taste and preservation, add the following list of ingredients that you can find at your local grocery store: mono-calcium phosphate, sodium acid, lecithin, diglycerides, pyrophosphate, calcium lactate, sodium aluminum phosphate, and dimethylpolysiloxene.

The final assembly process is the most rewarding. On a platinum heating grill smothered in lard and oil, slap on the chicken paste in molded spheres covered with flour. Once the fat turns the flour a golden brown, plop the patty on a stale bun. Add wilting lettuce, synthetic cheese, and a mayonnaise dressing replete with maltodextrin. Finish by placing on the top bun, dipped in oil to give it a shining gleam. On the entire hamburger, spray a layer of tertiary butylhydroquinone, or TBHQ, that will help preserve freshness in case you want to save your McChicken in an oven incubator for next year.

Your McChicken will taste great with some accompanying side dishes. Fry sulphite-treated potato slices into beef tallow for that irresistible McDonald's flavor. Use sulphur dioxide to bleach the fries to yield a perfectly-white appearance. For a Strawberry Triple Thick Shake, forget about the hassle of using real strawberries—a simple strawberry syrup consisting of corn syrup solids, dye, carrageenan, and cellulose gum should do. A glob of gelatin will add taste and thickness to your shake as well.

For every step and procedure you endeavor for your homemade McDonalds meal, remember to remain relaxed and at ease—don’t fret about the mistakes. If a stray hair or a loose fingernail falls into the churning paste, or if you happen to dribble some spittle on top of a bun, don’t worry. Let it happen. And if you need to use the restroom in the middle of your process, don’t even bother to wash your hands afterwards. The process should be as carefree and cheery as possible.

The McDonald's meal, whether home-made or store bought, offers the best tasting meal in existence. Don’t condescend to abstemious diets consisting of bland, faded-green salads and tasteless vegetable mush. A real meal shouts of crispy gold and deep brown—rich hues that signify savory fat, oil, and grease, waiting to be slurped up. Only when you have incorporated the homemade McDonald's process into your daily life—routinely slaughtering chickens, processing meat, and stocking up on additives and flavorings—only then have you become a bona fide homemade McDonald's pro, dining on the most exquisite gourmet foods. It is then when you can, and should, truly and proudly profess: “I’m Lovin’ It.”

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