A look into my world

January 23, 2011
By Shen2 SILVER, North Tonawanda, New York
Shen2 SILVER, North Tonawanda, New York
7 articles 2 photos 1 comment

I never thought I would be writing in a journal. My therapist said it would be helpful to write down my

thoughts and feelings during transition. So I guess I should start by telling you about myself.

I’m Sam, my birthday is April 5th, 1993. My favorite color is blue, I hate pears and
peas. I love fall, hate the freezing winters in Michigan, oh and I am transgendered. I was born a female, but
I never felt like a girl. In order to go further into my transition into a boy I have to see a therapist and a gender
specialist. For the last six months I have been seeing Dr. Richards who is my gender specialist and Mr. Clark
who is my regular therapist.

This morning I received my first shot of Testosterone. It hurt a lot more than I thought it
would, I’ve heard enough horror stories over the years to know it would be painful, but this was just horrible.
I could feel the Testosterone moving through my bloodstream, it burned so bad and, apparently tomorrow my
arm will hurt even more. In some weird way I’m glad it will hurt tomorrow, a silent reminder that I did it,
finally did it.

I’m truly blessed though, my parents have been there with me since the beginning. A lot
of my friends aren’t that lucky; my best friend Ryan had to wait till he was eighteen to start treatment, because
his parents didn’t believe that he needed treatment. I’m only seventeen, with the permission of my parents I
started hormone therapy. I’m really glad I have friends who have gone through this already, I feel I’m more
prepared because of the advice they have given me.

Right now, I just feel really uncertain. I don’t know what I’m going to want to do after
this, honestly I really don’t want to get reassignment surgery of any kind. I like my body, most days at least.
Obviously I’ve dealt with Gender Dysphoria, but right now I feel good. Honestly I’m not sure who I’m trying
to convince you or myself. Maybe it’s because I’m scared, I just don’t know. I just hope this is worth it in the


Hey you,

So I’ve decided instead of writing to you everyday, I would do it after every Testosterone shot I receive.
My second shot was about an hour ago, next week I should be able to distribute the shot on my own! This shot
didn’t hurt as much surprisingly, which is such a relief. So last week I told Dr. Richards that I didn’t feel I
needed reassignment surgery, he told me that it was my decision to make, but to just keep an open mind for
now. I’m happy with being perceived as a boy, a very effeminate boy at best. I pass well enough most days,
unless I’m around town then people know I’m Trans.

I think it used to bother me a lot more, before I started therapy. Now I just don’t let
their opinions, and hurtful words affect me. I remember Ryan once said that the reason a lot of people treat us
with so much hostility and disgust is because they don’t know how to perceive us. Were different, and most
people don’t like different.

For the longest time, before I even started transitioning I would watch my classmates just
taunt and push Ryan around. Because I was his friend I got a lot of the same things thrown at me he did
but it was never as bad. I can’t even count the amount of times I would just break down. It killed me to hear
those things, to watch him get thrown into lockers, couldn’t they see he was suffering? Ryan is a lot stronger
than I am, he always will be. This year after I decided I wanted to start transitioning I became their target.
I was the one thrown into lockers, I was the one who took the derogative names and slurs, and held his head up

Last night, I was telling Ryan about my situation at school, and he sent me a text with
A quote from Glee that one of the characters had just said: “Prejudice is just ignorance ,Kurt.” After that I
just felt better, like in some way even the writers of Glee understood.

Lately I have felt really angry, like more than normally. Last Monday I was sitting in
AP Chemistry and I just felt this anger come over me. It felt horrible, and the feeling didn’t go away until I got
home. I told my mom about it, and she called the clinic, and they said it was normal, that it was just
a side effect of the T. It’s actually working! I know it’s silly, but this is just the reassurance I needed, I feel
a lot more confident about hormone therapy now.

Next week auditions for the fall musical start and I’m really excited. On stage is one
place I feel like I can be myself. Ironically I feel more me, being someone else. Well wish me luck!

Oh hey,
So school is still just as irritating. Sometimes I just wish someone would take the time to ask if I’m alright.
The bruises on my back (from being pushed into lockers) are slowly healing luckily, I hate the sadness in my
parents eyes, so I stopped telling them when it happens. I just don’t want them to worry, anymore than they
have to.

Auditions went really well, oh! And I got the role of Mark. Incase you didn’t already figure it out this

year’s musical is Rent! :D Mr. Anderson was one of the first teachers I told before I came out, and he didn’t
even blink. The first thing he said to me was: “So next year I’ll be sure to cast you as a great leading man!”

A few of my school friends refused to call me he, I couldn’t believe it. They will call me Sam but they
refer to me as she. It really hurt my feelings, and I know sometimes it just comes out before you even think about
about it, but all the time? It’s not as if they have never had a friend who is Trans, their all friends with Ryan, and

Today marks Five weeks on T! I can’t believe it’s been over a month, emotionally I feel a lot
better, and physically I can tell my body is slowly changing. I did get sick last week, my doctor said it was
because of the shots, and to just not over work myself until I felt better. Apparently running off all of my
new energy wasn’t the best idea. Because I got sick, my doctor decided to lower my dose of Testosterone, I guess
my levels of T were too high, hence getting sick.

So my parents keep nagging me about college. I just don’t want to have to deal with now, I barely
have enough time to get everything done now! Between homework, dance practices, studying my lines, singing
lessons, and my sessions with Dr. Richards, and Ms. Clark.

Sorry about that, but yeah school is causing me a lot of stress right now, mid-terms are slowly
approaching, and I’m really not prepared. But I’ll pull through, I always do!


No day but today,
That’s my saying to every doubt I have for now on. Leave it to Rent to make me become sappy, and girly.
Okay, that was a joke, but really I see a lot of myself in Mark, and I’m starting to think I was casted as him,
not because I sound like him, but because even Mr. A. see’s him in me.

The Truth

The truth is I’m only human

The truth is I’m scared

The truth is I’m lost

The truth is…

That person looking back at me

Isn’t as strong as they appear.

Happy seven weeks! I noticed the hair on my legs is getting thicker, along with the hair on my arms.
Also my appetite has increased rapidly, it’s actually kind of disgusting. I’ve never really been a big eater, but
lately I just can’t stop eating. I feel a lot more healthier since my last entry, ten minutes after I finished writing
I puked up everything that was in my stomach. Apparently I was still sick, they checked my T level yesterday,
And it’s at a normal level now.

So this entry is going to be short, because I have a test to study for, then practice at six.


Mirror, Mirror

Oh how you forsake me
This face, this hair, these eyes
Filled with tears
I am not this person, nor have I ever been

Mirror, Mirror
Please give me the strength
To convince them I am more
Than just a man.

It’s been one of those weeks. Even with the shots, I just feel so awful. They prepare you for
for everything else, but they never tell you about this. I’ve never suffered from dysphoria this bad before.
Everything hurts, even my skin. I weighed myself this morning, I gained five pounds, over a period of two

Ever since then I have just felt so awful. It’s bad enough that every time I speak my voice
cracks, how am I supposed to perform if my voice keeps cracking! I’ve been drinking excessive amounts of
water, and it’s starting to help so I can get through performances without it cracking. Never in my life have I
been so grateful to be playing a low baritone.

Some of my classmates have started to notice my voice lately, and have now found another thing
to mock me for. Happy 9 weeks, Sam, happy 9 stupid weeks. In other news, Ryan got the okay for his
Mastectomy, he scheduled it for two weeks from now. He’s a complete mess right now, he’s been staying at my
house for the last few days. It’s a big step, he’s no longer going to have to cover himself up, finally be able
to walk around shirtless if he wants. I know this will help him feel more like himself.

Yesterday James asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him over the weekend. I was
completely shocked, I didn’t know he felt the same. I’m nervous about it though, I mean he knows I’m Trans
but I’m scared that. Never mind I’m just over thinking it. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you ever detail after!


Five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes, how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?
Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care?
So opening night is tomorrow, I’m really excited, but I have first performance jitters. Last night, when we were
performing the support group scene, we all started crying. Everything that made that scene so powerful, just hit
all of us. After the last song we all formed a big circle and wrapped out arms around each other, and just said
what came to us first. Everyone said something different, some people sang small parts from the show, others
made up songs entirely. By the end we were all crying again, that was partly my fault; when it was my turn
I just started singing about how much I appreciated them seeing me as who I am, and by the end I was singing
Man in the mirror by Michael Jackson.
When Ryan came and picked me up, he was so worried someone had

When James came and picked me up, he took one look at my tear streaked face, and
got out of the car, and started walking towards the building. I had to explain to him that, I was fine and no

I was crying because it was the last practice, not because someone hurt me. Leave it to me, to have the neurotic

So yeah about that, our date went really well, before the movies he took me to this cute Tai place
Called sweet sun. We talked about everything: books, music, theatre, movies, ridiculous pop culture, and
trans/gay rights and even feminism. It was so nice to have a conversation with someone who really listens, and
feels the same way you do.

He told me about how his best friend just enlisted in the army, and about how scared he is.
He’s really proud of his best friend Todd, for just being brave and fighting for freedom, and just being selfless.
I really like him! He’s nice, charming, smart, funny, extremely cute, and just a really great person. Were going

to see Hairspray next week, and he’s coming tomorrow to see our show.

So Ryan had his surgery, and a few hours ago I went and visited him. The poor thing could
barely lift his head up. We didn’t talk for that long, he looked like he could fall asleep any second. I didn’t
want to put him anymore pain than he was in. The surgery went really well though, he looked so relieved to be
done with the surgery though. It was so funny, I was trying to leave so he could sleep, and he glared at me and
said I couldn’t leave until I told him if James had asked me out yet. For the record he hasn’t.

I love my best friend I really do.


A speech is nothing more than words spoken to in force a point, to sing the praises, or share beliefs.

Maybe who I am isn’t who I need to be. Should I go through with it? Surgery? Do I even
know what I need?

I had a conversation with Ryan over the weekend about his recovery. He seems more livelier
now. Happier, than two weeks ago. He told me I should reconsider continuing transition and think about
Top surgery. So I did, that night I just sat down and thought about it, really thought about it. I made a Pro
and Con list.
Pros: no more binding, freedom, less paranoia, less dysphoria, happiness, safety, better chance of passing daily,
embracing my body.
Cons: more therapy, scars, pain, recovery, pain, pain.

Well the pros outweigh the cons, I don’t.. I honestly don’t know. I guess I could talk to Dr.
Richards about it. Maybe, yeah maybe I’ll feel safer, normal.


Hey friend,
Sorry it’s been so long. I have been going through a lot of soul searching lately. I turned everything off that
could distract me. I have spent the last two weeks surrounded by my family. It was really nice to just spend
quality time with them. I told them about how lately I had been rethinking about getting a mastectomy(top-
-surgery) I explained how I felt that I would be a lot more comfortable with my body, and just feel more like a
boy. My dad asked me if Ryan influenced my decision at all, if seeing him happier, and confident with his
body had any effect on me. Obviously it did, I think it was more reassuring than anything else though.

Seeing him walk down the street confidently for the first time was so amazing,
I actually stopped walking and stared at him. I couldn’t believe this person, was my best friend. The same best
friend who fought for everything he deserved, saved all of his money until he could afford surgery. The same boy
who lived with me when his parents kicked him out, he became a man that moment for me.

So it’s been a little over four months since I started T. I can’t believe it’s been so long.
I feel great, really great. I feel like I’m finally at a good, solid place.

Oh! So I finally know where I want to go for college. It’s this small liberal arts school in
Olympia, Washington. Their theatre program is amazing, and they have a strict policy on bullying. Everything
Is green, and supper organic. The best part is they have gender neutral housing for the LGBTQ community.
They have apartment like housing, and I get my own room which is great.

I made an appointment with Dr. Richards for next Tuesday, so I’ll finally be able to
tell him that I want to get a mastectomy. After that I can start pre-op therapy sessions.

So James finally asked me out! Last Thursday I told him about everything I was
dealing with, about hormone replacement therapy. He’s really supportive which is great, he said something really
sweet he told me “You’re more of a boy than you give yourself credit for, you’re beautiful inside and out. You
don’t need any surgery to make you any more of a boy to me, but if that’s what you need to feel more secure
with your gender, then I’ll be here every step of the way”

So I set Ryan up on a date with my friend Nicole. I guess she really likes him, which is
great! I’m really happy for him, he deserves someone who will love him just as much as my family and I do.

That’s what you missed, next time I’ll tell you about my appointment.


Happy 20 Weeks!,
So my friends just left, they threw me a party. Their ridiculous who throws someone a Happy twenty weeks
on T party? Apparently mine do, it's been five months, I can't believe it! We were looking at photographs from
before I started T, I looked so different! I mean you can tell how much progress I have made, I look so much
more masculine, and my chest is a lot broader. I have really muscles now! My shoulders are a lot more
prominent too. Even my face changed, my cheeks are a lot less full, and more pronounced. I even have a small
atoms apple now. My voice has gotten deeper too. I actually have stubble, it’s so weird!

So my appointment with Dr. Richards went really well, he was really impressed with the
progress that I have made. He was the one who actually pointed out how much my face has changed, and how
I seem a lot surer of myself and my body. He said I just look comfortable in my skin. I mean I do, I
really do now. So I brought up me wanting to get top surgery, and he said that if it will help me feel more
comfortable, then he thinks I should move forward with therapy. I was really glad that he thought it was a
good idea. He told me about his patients that had gone through it, and how none of them regret it, and I told
him about Ryan, and how I just watched him become this amazing person. I told him how I aspire to be that
secure one day.

So my first pre-op evaluation is next week, and I’m kind of nervous, but really excited too.
I think I’m ready to finally take that next step. Wish me luck!


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