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Her Endless Remorse

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She longed to hear his sound once more. To hear every undulation his voice made as he sweetly called her name. It was almost as if she could sense his presence around her in a ceaseless embrace in which she would never let go. Days had passed, weeks went by, and slowly the years had found their way to her heart, as if marking themselves in the calendar of her memory. Not a moment had lapsed in which she was free from the guilt and the grief of that night. Flashes of remembrance would often creep into her mind, and time after time she would forcefully cast the pain away. Cast away all the glimpses of that eve. Now all she was left with were memories, in addition to the reproachful guilt that filled her conscience and consumed her thoughts. Why had it not been her? Why couldn't’t she have been the one to leave that night? The one to leave everything behind to continue in a place where no harm could be felt and no tears could be shed? These were the questions that swarmed like angry bees in the agitated hive of her mind. Instead it was she who survived the accident, and who had been responsible for his fate. For this, she utterly loathed every fiber of her being. She was her own enemy, and nobody could convince her otherwise.
There had been countless amounts of time where she too would attempt to rejoin him once more in eternity, but those attempts had failed to her misfortune. Oh how she resented the fact that her incompetent and worthless self had remained alive! A woman with no will and no future to live for, other than a life filled to the brim with her eternal regret. Looking in the mirror every morning had filled her with disgust so unreal that it even amazed herself. Those were the hands which gripped the wheel that night, the piercing blue eyes which had begun to drift into sleep beneath their lids, the ears which so sacredly heard her husband’s plea for help at her side, and the lips which solemnly uttered countless prayers for him in the hospital to a God which just could not answer them soon enough.
The only time she anticipated was the night, so as to reunite with him in her sleep, which she longed to be an eternity. They laughed together and walked as they used to before, at times not even saying a word. Their presence with one another had filled the gap created by their timid silence. Every day spent with each other had felt like the first, only as the days progressed their love for each other grew deeper. She reached out to grasp his hands just once, longing to feel his lips meet hers as they used to so familiarly…
She woke up in an abrupt startle, her hair plastered to her damp forehead. This was nothing new, in fact she had grown accustomed to the wailing and nightmares which often followed, and nights in which she had slept soundly were the ones that had puzzled her the most. Conscious in the same room with four bland beige walls that had peeled off around the edges closest to the floor, she reached for a glass of water and a small plastic cup in which her ward’s nurse routinely placed her medication inside of. Immediately she felt the water and pill travel rapidly through her empty and hollow stomach, eventually causing it to grumble in a low howl. Indeed her nerves had calmed down significantly, but the wounds she carried and the condemnation she endured were sensations no hospital could ever manage to cure.





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