Unwritten...for now

January 6, 2011
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My name is not important. I am 15 years. Sometimes I feel like I am 50, like right now. I worry, about nothing, about everything. I don’t know who to share my worries with because I feel so misunderstood.
I feel left out. There’s a place in my heart that’s empty, and as much as I try to fill it nothing works.
I feel so lonely all the time. When I’m with people I put a brave face on, but when I’m alone I start to get depressed. So many thoughts run through my mind I feel that I’m going mad. I wanna be so many people at once and at the same time I just wanna be me.
Writing’s about the only good thing I’m good at, so I write a lot. When I run outta words to write I think, but I don’t like to think because it gets me down. I’m bored all the time, it’s like nothing interests me.
I have friends, yes I do. But all the same I feel like no one knows me, you know, the real me. Sometimes, I feel like screaming from holding back all the feelings I’ve kept inside. I feel like screaming all the curse words in the world and breaking something but I can’t because I’m supposed to be the good girl, the role model. I’m sick and tired of being this docile un-outspoken person I’ve become.
I don’t want to end up a door-mat, someone for people to walk all over.
Sometimes I wanna be a model or an actress or even a musician, and sometimes I wanna be a surgeon or a lawyer or even a politician. I wanna leave my mark on this world before I leave, I want the world to know me and respect me. I want the admiration of this world. I wanna be remembered for doing something great, something amazing. But I don’t know how, so I write and I hope and pray that by writing, in one way or the other, I leave my legacy in this world.
But I’m scared because writing’s a huge part of me, its one thing I love most about me and if I can’t be great at it I don’t wanna ruin it, but I guess by going on, I’ve made my choice and taken my risk.
I hope I don’t ruin the one thing I could be great at.
I wonder what makes me stand out from the crowd, what makes me, me? I still haven’t figured that out but I guess we all wonder that from time to time. I wonder about it all the time. What makes each of us unique, and one of a kind? We are all created in God’s own image, therefore we must possess a quality or a trait that sets us apart from everyone else but what is that quality?
After all that’s what we came to earth to do right, find ourselves and along the way help others discover themselves and then save as many people us we can.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know who I am, and that makes it hard for me to know what I wanna be in the long run, but my time is running out, and I still haven’t found a way to speed things up.

I have a great family, most people say they do too, but really my family’s awesome. I guess they’re a part of what makes it so hard for me to find me because they’re so good and hardworking and great that it makes me feel unworthy of them, kind of like I don’t deserve to be in the family and that freaks me out because I don’t know where I belong, or if I belong.
I sound ungrateful but I’m not I really appreciate everything they do and I love them but most days I feel adopted and that’s wrong but if I deny my emotions I deny me and that’s not something I’m about to do.
If my sister was reading this she would be really upset because I sound so unhappy, but I’m not, I really am happy I’m just confused and I don’t know who to turn to so I’ve gone to the one thing I’m most comfortable with, writing.
Sometimes I wish things were different for me but then I don’t know what to wish for because I don’t know what I want, and then I realize that’s because I have what I want, but I just didn’t know it was what I wanted.
My friends are great, but I feel like a fraud when I’m with them. I admire Hilary so much because she has not a care in the world for what anyone thinks. She is care free and truthful and brutally honest. Sometimes, though, she is too brutally honest and hurts people’s feelings. I guess that’s the downside to honesty.
Natalie’s great. She may be a little on the reserved side but when you get to know her, she is completely open and so nice. She is the person I go to when I desperately need a laugh because she’s hilarious.
Ama maybe a bit on the untrustworthy side but she’s okay. She is what I’d call the men’s lady. She is so comfortable with boys it amazes me. I need any dating advice and it is Ama I go to because she knows it all. I will talk about other friends later.
Sometimes I wish I were more honest, more open, more comfortable in my own skin, like my friends. I am nice and simple and truthful and I love that about me but am scared of people. I am scared of seeing the love turning to hate in a split second and friends turning to foes in a minute. That’s what I hate about me. The fact that I care so much about other people’s feelings that I hold them above mine. I should care less, but I cant, I care so much that I worry about people and their thoughts about me when I should be worrying about me and my thoughts about them.
Sometimes, I feel detached. My mind just closes up and I’m in another world. I like that world because it has no worries it’s just me and I am so free and so happy. But it’s just a fantasy, and then comes reality. Reality bites and reality hurts.
Why is saying the truth so hard? Is it that we don’t wanna hurt the people we love or that we don’t wanna see the faces of the people we hurt or is it that lying is so much easier? Because to me its not, I’ve been lied to by so many people, my friends, family, strangers and seeing that lie on their faces so clearly hurts worse than any truth could. It hurts worse because they don’t know you well enough to tell you the truth and that sucks because the lie hurts, it really hurts.
I’ve lied to people and the feeling you get afterwards sucks too, because it never goes away and that lie leads to another lie covering up your old lie until you get a trail of white lies that turn to big blue scary monster just following your every move. That feeling sucks but we deal with it, the guilt, we deal with it because revealing every lie you’ve told could do worse than telling that one disturbing truth. Our conscience kills us but we deal with it and yet we still lie everyday because its become a pathetic habit, a degrading way of life.
I don’t know what or why I’m writing, but every word I write eases my pain. I let go of my anger with every sentence and soon hopefully, there’ll be no pain, no anger left and I can accept myself just the way I am without wanting to change every detail. I love me but sometimes I want to change me.
Sometimes, I’m so lonely I cry. I weep and cry out from being the only person who is so scared of living. I fear life even more than I fear death because the world is such a cruel place. The people that live here are so wicked and so clueless. I fear death because I fear not knowing what is out there in death. I fear life because nobody really knows what anybody’s intentions really are, and that sucks.
It’s raining and it’s so amazing how rain just gives you clarity, you know. The purity of the drops, its like music, so sweet yet has a story. Yes, it’s amazing.
We all wonder about it don’t we, the beginning of the world, evolution of life. It’s really an insightful thing, the bible and God say one thing, and then science does too. It’s all a matter of what you believe, I suppose. I ask what all the fuss is about, because the bible lays everything down so clearly and it amazes me why people fight not to believe in it, in God. I mean, without faith and hope, what is life, and what is faith without that belief in God.
Good and bad, it’s an intriguing matter. Its either good or bad, black or white, angel or devil, but what about the grey areas? What do we classify them as, because it’s not always that simple? There isn’t always a hero or a villain, what about the human, the lost soul. Is he black or white, or is he grey, and if he is what is the grey area?
I wanted to talk about my life, but in a way I am because these questions haunt me and I wonder about them. How are we all connected, because we all came from Adam and Eve, so what is our connection, what do we share?
So I’m 14, and I have a thirst for perfection, that’s one thing I know about me. I may not always fight for it but I crave approval, and I want to be liked. People’s opinions mean a lot to me and most of the time, I function on their opinions of me.
I like to be the best at everything and I love winning, but lately I just seem to settle on being good. I am great academically, and I know and most people do too. I love a good challenge and I usually come out on top. I’m smart but I worry. I worry because I’m afraid that I won’t be a good wife, or a good mother or a good adult. I worry that I won’t be enough, that I’m not enough. I worry that my parents or family or friends will be disappointed in me. I’m worried that I will be a failure.
I’ve made bad choices and I regret them. I’ve been a doormat for my friends, I’ve been a pushover, and I’ve hurt people because others didn’t like them. I hate that I’m not strong-willed enough to stand up to people. I hate that I agree to things when inside I really don’t. I hate that most of the time I’m the follower not the leader. I regret the choices I’ve made but I’m starting to change them and by doing that I’ll be creating a new me and starting over, because when I change the first thing, I change the second and then I can be as proud of me as most people are.
I’m not like most people; I don’t prefer the many friends and the QUEEN-B popularity. I am insecure and ultra sensitive, but I’m rational and logical. Occasionally I’m impulsive and spontaneous but more often than not I have a plan a week before the event and that’s okay because I’m rarely unprepared. I make my decisions sometimes based on my feelings and sometimes on facts, but I do prefer fact to opinion. I am indecisive and some may see as a calculated ice queen because I’m so logical but I see myself as a warm person.
Its hard for people to get to know me or me them, because I’m so reserved and I find it hard to trust people. I have a hot and sharp and very quick temper but I rarely show it because I rarely get that mad. I love the holidays, especially Christmas. It’s just that time of the year when everybody’s home and you can feel the love. It’s the best time of year.

Again I wanted to talk about myself and I’m sorry to bore you with my insecurities and my depressing outlook on life, but I guess in a way, that’s who I am. A pessimist. It took me weeks to complete this essay because I’m such a procrastinator. So to round up, I’m an unwritten, undefined piece of work. Great.
But now I can say, I’m no longer regretful of the past or fretful about the future but I’m just happy to be given the gift of life. The ability to enjoy the present.

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