I opened my eyes.I had totally forgotten that I was laying on my hammock in my small backyard. The wind had stopped blowing and the hammock had slowly stopped swaying from side to side. My temporary peace had left and all the burdens of worries and pressure came upon me out of nowhere. All these thoughts cam rushing to my mind about what is going to happen when I visit my step-dad in New Zealand. I couldn't stay still. I had to move to get this pressure off me. So I tried to get out of the hammock; it took me a while but I eventually got out. I started walking slowly around my backyard. I felt itchy by walking in high grass barefoot but at this point in my life I did not really care. My pace did not change for ten minutes. The worries remained with me as I walked, but they did not feel as heavy when I was laying down. At this point, I realized that I was not walking; I was pacing. My mind was going to the negative aspects of meeting my stepfather. What will he say to me about the decision to stay here, with my mom; his wife. I was always curious why my mind always went to the negative aspects of various situations. I could not think of one positive thing about my meeting with my stepfather. I glanced up at the sky. The colors of the distant sunset stretched across the sky. The colors distracted my mind for a couple minutes. I did not care. I let my mind distract me by the sky and its beauty. So I walked back to my hammock and laid on it once again. I still stared at the colors of the sky and the clouds that I have just noticed intervened with the colors. I was surprised, but the temporary peace came back into my body. My peace was disturbed when I felt my phone vibrating in my front jean pocket. I was digging it out and I saw that it was my mom calling to let me know that I have to leave for the airport. When the thought was in my mind, all thoughts of the soon meeting with my stepfather and the weight that came with it is coming back to my mind and body. At that moment, I felt depressed.
Temporary Peace & Worries
December 26, 2010