Every day I wonder more and more. I sit down and stare at my Christmas tree, decorated with golden ribbons and glistening butterflies. I can't sit and listen to a song, I love the rhythm, but the words never speak out to me. My friends don't get me, why I suddenly stare into space. It's not that I'm sad. I'm thinking. My Grandpa Louie died the other day,and since then, I couldn't stop zooming out. I miss him so much, but never seem to get a tear out. Everyone else cries and sobs, but all I do is sit. And look heartless and unmeaning-full.But I just wonder what happens to him. Will anyone ever know when they pass by his headstone, that he was the person I depended on? That I counted on him to make me his famous lemon cookies on Fridays when I came home exhausted and cranky? Will anyone ever care that the words Louie Cantu Jacobs was the soul of my family? That when he laughed, everyone around him did, too? I know what your thinking, everyone dies, and that person is special to someone else. But you don't get it. He was the only one who saw me the way I did. He didn't see me soul-less or dull, he saw me full if spirit but shy, too much to say, but quiet. Even my mom would say sometimes, "Ella, why don't you go play with the neighborhood girls? How about Charlotte? She's always been nice!" and that's all it takes to bring me down. My mom thinks I'm a loner, a loser, a missing piece. If your mom thinks that, then you're hope-less. These day's that fly by are just dull to me now. I miss him. These hours, minutes, seconds, hold no significance to me at all. Their just another number I get to cross out. Their just another one of those Calendar Days.
December 17, 2010