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December 12, 2010
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It was raining again.
Of course, it always rained during winter in New York. It wasn't anything new, or even the slightest bit interesting. Still, Aixa went on staring out the window. Sighing, she leaned her forehead up against the cool glass and gazed uninterestedly at the cloudy sky and the busy street below it. The rain drummed steadily against the pane in a mind-numbing rhythm. But Aixa didn't see the rain, the street, or the sky-- she stared straight through all of it, to some intangible place beyond.
A sharp knock at the door did not rouse Aixa from where she sat on the cold floor, with her knees pulled up to her chest. The knocking grew significantly louder and faster as the person behind the door lost patience, until, finally, the door was thrown wide open, causing it to slam into the white plastered wall.
“You know, you really shouldn't leave the door unlocked,” remarked a tall girl with short brown hair and a slender build as she bounded through the open doorway. “Anyone could have gotten in.”
Aixa sighed, but did not move from where she was.
With a faint ruffling of fabric, the other girl sat next to her friend on the concrete floor. “Are you still looking out this window? You were here when I came up yesterday, too. Honestly, if I didn't know you better, I'd think you never moved! You're going to get fat just sitting around.” She pinched Aixa jokingly, although her last remark was really quite illogical, as Aixa was rail-thin.
“I have a high metabolism. I'll be okay,” said Aixa, still unmoving.
Her friend grinned, but continued to chide. “Seriously! You never do anything these days! It's like, what's with you? You know, Alex and Chaz miss hanging out with you. You could make anyone laugh. I swear, half the time I have to look and see if your eyes are open so I know you're not asleep. But whatever. I guess you're kind of in a hard situation right now...Still, though, could you at least crack a smile? Really, I don't know what you'd do without me here to get you out of this room every day!”
“You talk to much, Mina,” mumbled Aixa against the glass.
“And you don't talk enough! Hey, look!” Mina cried suddenly, pointing at Aixa's alarm clock. “It's 11:11! Make a wish!”
Aixa's expression remained blank, but she could feel her insides contort with pain. Wishes were for people who had hope. Wishes were things people made when they couldn't fall asleep. For her, it was exactly the opposite-- she couldn't wait to wake up from whatever hellish nightmare her life had become. The worst part, Aixa thought, was how everyone thought it was my fault. But it's not.
Instead of wishing for something that wasn't going to come true anyway, Aixa decided to adress one of the more minor issues Mina had brought up.
“It's not just a 'hard situation,' Mina. It's a little more complicated. I can't really help that my mom got sick of me and kicked me out, you know.”
Mina's face fell. “Aixa, I didn't mean that! I know what happened wasn't your fault! I'm on your side in all of this, don't you ever forget that! I'm just saying that maybe it would help if you got out and enjoyed life instead of sitting around in here. Because really...I miss you. We all do.”
“I haven't gone anywhere.”
“I know that, but sometimes, Aixa... it just feels like you're not really there.”
Aixa lapsed into silence again. She was a little uncomfortable about how on the mark Mina was.
Mina stood up, dusting off her black tutu and neon striped stockings. “I have to get going now. You sure you don't want to come? Chaz said it was a great place...” She trailed off, waiting for her best friend to relent and follow her out the door.
Aixa didn't move.
“Well bye then.”
Mina shut the door softly behind her. Aixa listened to her footsteps echo down the stairwell and sighed heavily. When would she stop messing everything up?
Suddenly, a huge roll of thunder ripped trough the noise of the city, causing the windowpane to shake violently. Aixa absentmindedly considered moving away from the window like she'd been told to do in severe weather, but she only sat back and watched the storm roll in. After all, what else could she do? She had watched her life slowly drain away, like the rain in the storm gutters. She had bled the existence out of herself, so what could she do now but nothing? It was too much trouble, anyway-- friends, parties, social events, all the drama... just thinking about it mad Aixa feel even more tired. It was as clear as the lightning in the sky that she would never find a way out of this rut. It was like...like the doldrums. No wind, no drive, no will, no hope. Aixa watched the rain fall. That's all she could do. That's all she ever would do.





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