Agony

November 30, 2010
By Emma07 SILVER, China, Maine
Emma07 SILVER, China, Maine
6 articles 1 photo 10 comments

I didn’t know where we were going. All I knew was, Mom was driving way over the speed limit. When she had pulled me out the door, all she had mumbled was something about Gracie. Her face had been pale, and she had been shaking.

It was dark, so I didn’t exactly know where we were going, only that for some reason, we had to get there quickly. I looked up into the rearview mirror. Mom’s eyes were darting back and forth across the road. She was paranoid. I was afraid she was going to drive off the road.

Up ahead, police lights were flashing. What was going on. Mom screeched to a halt when she saw the police tape. She vaulted out of the car, and sprinted to an officer, kneeling next to him, looking at something on the ground. I curiously looked at the ominous crime scene, getting out of the car.

Then it all registered. I saw a demolished motorcycle lying on the ground. I saw an ambulance pulled up to the tape. I saw a battered car in the ditch. I saw two stretchers, one holding the weight of a gruff man, who had a serious head wound. The other … the other held my blonde, eighteen year old sister, eyes closed, and - I couldn’t tell if she was breathing.

I whimpered, tears rising to my eyes, and scampered up to Mom, who took the tackle well. She held me tight in her arms, and cried, saying, ‘It’ll be okay, it’ll be okay!’, even though I knew she was lying, even though I knew it wouldn’t be. After a while, she let go, and turned to a sympathetic sheriff.

“M’am, it looks like-”

“What happened?!” Mom said, trembling again, and hysterical.

“She was driving her motorcycle, and a drunk driver swerved into her lane, colliding with her, and then the car flew into the ditch.” He read off of his report. “The man has a major concussion, and a broken arm in three places, and … she has - she has a broken neck.”

Mom wept. She bawled. Sobbed. Wailed. She howled. But it took me a little longer to sink in. A broken neck? But that means she’s dead, right? Dead. And I knew it was true. She was dead. My eighteen year old sister was dead.

But she couldn’t be! She was a senior, and had two more months until she would have graduated! She had a boyfriend! A guy who loved her, and cared for her! She had a loving family, a wonderful life! And she was dead, and had lost it all.

And that was when I wept. And I promised to myself. I am never going to drink. Because liquor, alcohol, beer, booze, whatever you want to call it, killed my sister. That man was overcome by it, and cost my family something we couldn’t afford to loose. Something precious to us. A sine qua non, a essential, a necessity. Gracie.


The author's comments:
This is to remind all of you out there. Find a designated driver. It could save hundreds of lives a year. Please, obey the law.

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This article has 6 comments.


Emma07 SILVER said...
on Dec. 7 2010 at 4:44 pm
Emma07 SILVER, China, Maine
6 articles 1 photo 10 comments
I repeated myself on purpose, because, imagine if you had just lost your sister.  You would be like "She's dead.  Dead.  DEAD."  Like you would have to remind yourself over and over, because you just really can't believe it.  But thanks for the advice.  It really helps.

AshTree SILVER said...
on Dec. 4 2010 at 12:34 pm
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.

You seem to repeat yourself and use the same words to describe something over and over. Think about what you would be looking at, all the things you would take in. Describe how the mother's face exactly looked. Was it a face she was familiar with or did she know automatically something was wrong? This is a very good story and a good idea to write about it. I was close to an adult who died because of drunk driving and I know how it feels to want to cry. The loss is horrible.

An example of repeating yourself is  "A broken neck? But that means she's dead, right? Dead. And I knew it was true. She was dead. My eighteen year old sister was dead." and later in the next paragraph you put "And she was dead, and had lost it all."  I'm sure you can fix it because you seem to be good at writing. Also don't forget the main person's dialouge. Disbelief is usually the first reaction. "are you sure it was her? It couldn't have been she's so careful!" Something like that then have the body go by and she knows it was her. This was very good just don't forget description and always keep a thesaurus nearby so you dont repeat it destracts the reader. (i always keep a thesaurus nearby, it really helps) Good job! Keep it up!!!


Emma07 SILVER said...
on Dec. 3 2010 at 3:56 pm
Emma07 SILVER, China, Maine
6 articles 1 photo 10 comments
Thank you!  And okay, I'll try.  It isn't a true story, just to let you know.

Emma07 SILVER said...
on Dec. 3 2010 at 3:56 pm
Emma07 SILVER, China, Maine
6 articles 1 photo 10 comments
Thank you!  And okay, I'll try.  It isn't a true story, just to let you know.

Aidyl BRONZE said...
on Dec. 3 2010 at 3:54 pm
Aidyl BRONZE, Oshawa, Other
4 articles 0 photos 91 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you want a friend be a friend."

-Poster


"That's cool. Hey you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed!"
-Dwight Schrute The Office

This is really sad. I agree with socccerkoritsi that you could show more as opposed to tell. But I thought it was really good when she was taking in the scene of the crime. Try to re-read your writing lots though, because you have a couple useless adjectives in there, that don't really fit. Like, "I curiously looked at the ominous crime scene..." It doesn't seem like if you were dragged from your bed in the night and arrived at a car crash you'd just be "curious". But over all a good job and nice grammar! It always makes writing more enjoyable.

on Dec. 3 2010 at 3:33 pm
ohdamnitsnico, Mt. Prospect, Illinois
0 articles 0 photos 14 comments

this is soo sad! im really sorry :( 

all in all it was a really good story. i think it could be way better though. most of the time you just "tell" the story instead of "showing" it. if you add in details and emotions, the reader could relate to you a lot easier. but it was good! 



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