Can't Go Back

November 24, 2010
By falcon BRONZE, Davenport, Iowa
falcon BRONZE, Davenport, Iowa
1 article 4 photos 0 comments

Wow. Big day and not in the good way. Mom was in her room applying makeup to hid the circles under her eyes from sleepless nights. Chris, my little brother was crying while Becca, my older sister, was trying to put him in his suit. Poor Chris, he was so young and too fragile to understand at three years old. Eventually Becca gave up and let him stay in his dirty jeans and t-shirt that someone had forgotten to change him out of yesterday.

"Ready to go everyone?" Dad said with his too sugar sweet smile, trying to hide the fact that he'd been crying. Everyone nodded and shuffled into the van.

I followed.

Entering the large building, I saw tons of people. Crying, comforting, lost faces. But the most important thing I saw was the large screen. On it read was, " In memory of Sammie Greene. We'll miss you." Followed by the cursive letters, was my yearbook photo of last year.

I don't know what I expected. People jumping up and down for joy? Party music? Celebration? But I certainly didn't expect this. People mourning my death. My death. Gosh, even thinking the word death was painful now.

I took a seat in the back by myself. The funeral began. One person followed by another took the stage. They all had the same message in one way or another: I loved Sammie so much. We had so much fun. I miss her.

Lies! If they had loved me, they would've told me while I was alive and they'd have actually meant it! If they'd have cared, they would've hid the gun. If they had cared, they would've listened and tried to help me. But they didn't care. No one did.

I wanted to know who would try hard enough to stop me. Who would tell me that I was wrong and that I was important. I wanted someone to tell me that I'd regret it. No one told me.

In anger, I kicked the wall as hard as I could, feeling stupid afterwards when my foot made no contact. I sat back down in frustration. I laughed to myself. Why was I even here? I didn't care what they had to say. No, I did care. I always have. Ever since mom would tell me about her day at work, and I'd be the only one who would listen to her. I'd been there for her, so where was she, when I needed her most? Exactly. No where.

I got up to leave. I was done with them. Why bother? I didn't want to hear another lie. I don't even know why I came in in the first place. Mom entered the stage before I got to the exit. The first words out of her mouth were ," I'm sorry Sammie," I stopped and turned around, staring at her, " I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me." She cried for a bit while the family gave her comforting hugs. " But the one thing I wanted Sammie to know was," She sniffled here, " was that I love her. So much. And I'm sorry Sammie, that I never said it to you before you died." She burst into tears. I nearly burst into tears too.

Even though no one could hear me, I shouted as loud as I could, " I forgive you Mom! I love you too!" In that instant, Mom snapped her head up, almost like she could hear me. A faint smile formed on her face while our family guided her back to sit down. The overhead screen returned to it's original picture. Reading the letters, " We'll miss yous," over again made me cry. I'll miss everyone too. I thought I'd feel so much better after death, but I was wrong. I felt much worse. This room was full of so many people that loved me. If only they'd have told me. If only I knew.

But did anyone tell me? No. Do they regret it? Probably. Will I miss them? Of course. Will they miss me? Most likely. Do I regret it? Yes. I wish I could rewind the past and start all over. But I can't do that. I'm dead.

And I can't go back.

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