A work of art. This is what I am. Others fall to the wayside when I am near. I impress bosses and coworkers during the day and make a sleek companion at night. Others try to be like me. Psh, stupid knock offs. No one is nearly as good as me. Gucci is close but I’m still better.
***

The delightful rug that Melissa just bought from the Pottery Barn gives a bit as she comes near. My nonexistent blood starts to speed up. She is wearing that spectacular new pantsuit that she got from Nordstrom last week. It would look even better with my smooth suede finish and classy peep toe that is all the rage these days. However, she did have to cancel that mani pedi appointment last week. I would be horrified to be worn by a foot anything less than the best. Nike and Adidas laugh at me when they see my horrified expression at the thought of Melissa’s unpainted toes.
It’s not my fault that they have low standards. Melissa wears them to the gym for goodness sakes! I do tolerate them however. Without them Melissa wouldn’t be working out and if that happened she would gain back all of the weight that she lost after college. Now that would be worse than a whole month without pedicures! Who wants to go to parties when they look like Kirstie Alley did before she joined Jenny Craig? Nobody, so that means I would never get out. Don’t even mention the possibility of her wearing me to work if she became too fat to take me to parties. Melissa’s “fat clothes” would only go with a pair of clown shoes and a bright red nose.
Her hand reaches down and I catch a whiff of fumes coming off her nails. Whew I can relax now, that means that she was able to blow off that stupid work lunch for her nail appointment. Don’t get me wrong, I love showing off to coworker as much as any pump that is as vogue as me. However, their work discussions bore me to tears.
Melissa’s sense of fashion doesn’t disappoint and she picks me. I can’t help to gloat a bit she slips her baby soft feet onto my equally soft beige leather lining. I’m careful not to let Gucci see my smug look. You see, she is so last month but none the less, Gucci still thinks that Melissa is going to pick her to go to the fashion show exhibiting Ralph Lauren’s fall line with her. Ha, as if! She is totally taking me to it.
***

With credit cards in hand, Melissa and I are off and ready to go. She wants to get some shopping in before she has a work meeting at one. We meet Ryan at Star Bucks. I absolutely adore Ryan, well at least I adore his taste in shoes. Today Florsheim Como ornament loafers have accompanied him. Florsheim is related to the loafers that Michael Jackson supposedly wore on and off his History Tour. Florsheim, or Flo as I call him is delightful, the complete opposite of Nike and Adidas. He is witty and sharp tongued. His taste and style is about up to par with me. Needless to say, I can’t wait to go shopping with him. I’m even more excited after hearing this little exchange between Ryan and Melissa.

“Oh my gosh, Melissa! Girl you are totally working that outfit. When can I borrow it?” Ryan practically squeals as we walk in and order a low fat caramel macchiato.


“Sorry kiddo, but you know that you can’t pull off this outfit with your complexion.”

“Oh the prices I pay for my fabulous complextion…”

“You know I envy your ability to wear blue.”

“True, but I did see this fabulous little dress at Saks along Fifth Avenue that would look great paired with some turquoise jewelry. You still need something for Ralphy’s show you know.”

For some reason Ryan thinks that referring to Ralf Lauren as Ralphy make him sound cool or something. H! What a dork.

“Oh my gosh it totally slipped my mind! What would I do without you?”

“You would be a mess. Now get your coffee, princess so that we can go.”

So now you see why I’m totally pumped, no pun intended. One, I get to shop with Flo. Two, since Melissa is shopping for the show it’s totally perfect that I’m with her. That way she can make sure the outfit she is getting will match me. Saks, here we come!
***

My. Life. Is. Ruined.

Today started off so well, but now… I could just about kill Ryan, he has no taste whatsoever. First of all, that “fabulous little dress” wasn’t fabulous at all. I mean seriously, this is a high class fashion show. It’s not a beach party! Second of all, Melissa loved it. Absolutely L O V E D it. And guess what? It doesn’t go with me at all. Melissa also noticed this. She told Ryan this and that she had been planning on bringing me to the show. Do you know what that stupid little “I can totally pull of blue with this complexion” (even though he can’t) little man said?

“Girl please, those are nice pumps, but really? How long have you had them, like three months? This fashion show is serious sweetie, and those aren’t. They may have been three months ago but now they are totally outdated. Wear them to work lunches, not fashion shows. ”

She totally bought it! I’m not out dated at all. I couldn’t tell you have many pairs of shoes looked at me with envy as we were walking around. Granted, I’m not the latest and greatest but I’m classic. I’m a work of art for goodness sake’s!

So now, I’m being replaced by a pair of Christian Louboutin purple suede slingbacks. I’d be lying if I said that they aren’t positively adorable. They looked splendid with that awful dress too. If I get any looks of sympathy from anyone I swear that I will stab them with my still fabulously high fashion four inch sculpted heel. Woes to me, the shoe that has suffered through changing trends. I’ve been warned of this day, but I never thought that it could actually happen to me…