Love & Courage

October 28, 2010
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On that morning, he broke my heart. He stomped it right into the muddy and nasty, hard, concrete sidewalk we were standing on. I just sat on the sidewalk crying, and praying that he would come back. I pinched myself, hoping that it was just a crazy nightmare. I must have had either a heart attack, or an anxiety attack or something. I was crying and begging him to stay, while at the same time I was praying. I was praying for love, friendship, and happiness. All of the memories of us being together, holding hands, and all of the romantic times had come flying back into my head. I felt like the ground was swirling me around, and swaying me, and making me sick to my stomach. I was hoping that I wouldn’t get ill, but by the time I said I wouldn’t, it happened anyways.
He was gone, and I was alone. What was I supposed to do? My life seemed over, and at that moment, a thought came to mind. What if it’s just for now? Nothing is forever. I can go searching for something better. But what I want is not out there for me to grab. What I want just left my side. What I want is gone, now, and I have to go searching for help, or something greater.
I walked myself home. As a seventeen year old girl, I didn’t have the privilege of using a car to drive myself home. I walked fifteen blocks to my house, and when I got there I sat on the front porch. It was starting to get late, and I did not eat anything all day. The thoughts were racing, now.
“What did I do to deserve this?” I asked myself.
Then I noticed a voice chime in. It was a voice in my head.
“You hurt him, stupid.” The voice said.
“How did I hurt him?” I asked the voice.
“When you said what you said, Tempest. You didn’t say it in a joking matter. You were nasty, and rude. You were very ignorant to Max.” The voice replied.
Then I thought, I am talking to a voice in my head. There has to be something wrong with me.
“Tempest? Is that you on the front porch? Who are you talking to?” My mother called.
“Oh, nobody, just my thoughts.” I replied.
“Well, you need to stop talking to yourself, Tempest. If you keep doing that somebody will think you are going nuts.” Mom said.
“That’s so true, Mom. Well, I’m going up to my room.” I said.
I had a feeling that she knew something was wrong, but I didn’t give in to my feelings. I just dragged my heavy feet up the stairs to my bedroom. I wanted to sleep, but I was either too worried, or just so tired that I couldn’t fall asleep.
At that moment, I heard my mind start speaking to me again.
“Tempest! Hey, Tempest! Look at yourself! You are a wreck. You need to pray. Pray for happiness, and good friends, and love. Most of all, pray for Max. Pray that he finds his way and is happy, also.” My thoughts said to me.
At that point in time, I just wanted to ignore my thoughts, but I was alone, and I knew I wouldn’t get through much without praying. So, I knelt over my bed and prayed. I prayed for forgiveness, and happiness, and I prayed for him. I didn’t like that idea, but it happened, because I knew if I did then I will not worry. I also knew it was what I had to do in my time of prayer. It would help me through this rough patch.
“Good job. Now, when you go to school tomorrow, don’t look at him. Don’t even take a glance. And if he looks at you, just ignore him…well, not ignore him…play hard to get.” My mind said.
“That’s going to be difficult.” I told my thoughts.
The next day, I went to school. I sucked up my thoughts, and pulled back the tears. A note gets passed my way in Economics.
It says:

‘I heard you and Max broke up. Sorry to gossip, but I want to know if it’s true. If so, I would be there for you to comfort you. I am your best friend. I am going to be here for you, no matter what. Love you like a sister.

Your friend,

What should I tell her? I don’t really trust her that much. Oh my goodness! I cannot decide. How will I decide? Then my thoughts started speaking to me again.
“Tempest, look around the room.” My crazy, psychotic brain said to me.
I looked around and noticed that he was staring at me. That day I was wearing my new glasses, and a low-cut blue shirt, a pair of black pants, and my purple shoes. I am a very bright person in many ways. I started daydreaming. That wasn’t good, because I was focusing on what I wished could be and then my teacher called on me and asked me a question. Of course, I wasn’t paying any attention, so I got half points for attendance. I should have stopped while I was ahead. Ugh!!!!!!!!! What happened? I got caught up in my emotions, again.
I love him, but he left my side. How do I live without him? I guess I just have to. It sucks. I know I love him, but who knows if he loves me back? Well, it’ll all be okay. I have to worry about school now. Stop from daydreaming, and my mind wandering.
“Tempest.” I heard, whispered from across the room.
I was trying to figure out who was calling my name. Why would anybody want to talk to me in the middle of class? It’s so funny that they can’t wait till class is over. Well, whoever it was will have to wait, because I am shutting my lips and gluing them till the end of class. I need to get this work done to pass.
Then I heard it again, “Tempest.” It was another whisper, a whisper from a male’s voice. I was hoping it wasn’t him, but when I turned around and looked, he was staring at me with those eyes. The eyes saying “it was me…please, let’s talk.”
I wanted to talk to him, but at the same time I didn’t. He broke me into millions of pieces. I cannot trust him as much as I could before.
What was I to do? How was I supposed to trust him? I should be able to trust him, at least a little bit. I shouldn’t worry about it. Oh goodness. I wish I could help myself know what he was thinking and saying in his head.

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