On The Inside

October 22, 2010
By , Sulphur Springs, TX
My name is Bethany. Bethany Rene Betencourt. I was born on October 9th, and I

suffer from a disease. A disease known as loneliness. But unfortunately this disease I had

could not be cured from any medication. So for my entire life, I just sat there as the loneliness

ate my heart out..

Before I was ever born, my father died from cancer. And shortly after I was born, my

mother committed suicide. I guess she just couldn't stand living without her soul mate. Even

though she had a new born child in her life, but she still didn't care. She just needed my father.

So as you can see, in advance to me even being alive for a year I was without any parents.

And from that point on I was destined to become an orphan. But, before I ever left to go to the

orphanage, I maintained life with my mothers sister. She was the only family I had apart from

my parents. I stayed with her for only a month. And then she died, from a fatal anxiety attack.

After my aunt's death, I was sent to the St. Pearl Orphanage. I lived at this orphanage for

twelve years. These twelve years I felt unbelievable amounts of loneliness. Nobody ever came

to see if I was the child they would want to adopt. No one ever even talked to me. Nothing.

So I was alone the entire first twelve years of my life.

These years were cruel. They made me feel weak, and useless to the world. The solitary

life I was living just killed me. I couldn't take it. It was too much for anyone to have to suffer.

And I wasn't going to sit and watch, as the solitude gnawed at my heart.

The thirteenth year of October 9th became extremely close. And then it finally came.

That day nobody at the orphanage celebrated my birthday, or even decided to wish me a happy

birthday. So I took a walk. I needed to escape the place. I just left. And I chose to walk to

somewhere I could relax and calm my emotions.

It was cold and stormy that day. I thought it was perfect weather to visit my deceased

parents. So I strolled down to the empty, chilling cemetery they were buried in. I sat beneath a

tree, which was planted next to my father's tombstone, whenever I saw somebody. It was a boy.

Around my age, it looked. And he was sitting over a tomb. Tears ran down the boy's smooth

face. And I grew curious. I wanted to help him, because he obviously needed it. I felt sorry for

the boy. And just felt the need to make him stop crying. And it just happened. That day, I made

my first friend.

It started off when I softly whispered to him, “Are you okay?”. I left him time to adjust

his emotions and answer me, then I pushed another question. “Are you?”

He then rose up. Tears still slightly falling on to his cheeks. And he answered me with a

simple no. The tone he used in this statement frightened me. You could hear an ache come

through his voice.

I normally didn't speak to people I didn't know, let alone people. But I guess I made an

exception for this boy. I guess whenever I first saw him mourning over the tomb, I thought he

was suffering from loneliness as well. And that we could help each other cure the pain which

existed in our hearts.


His name was Jeremy Holt. And he was having to bear with the death of his brother.

His brother had died around a year before that day at the cemetery. But Jeremy still wasn't

over it. Jeremy had explained to me how he loved his brother. And how they were best friends.

He explained how his brother was always there for him whenever he needed somebody. And

that his brother always pushed him to strive, and beat his condition.

After Jeremy told me about his recently departed brother, I started to think that loneliness

wasn't the only disease he suffered from. So I asked him what his condition was.

“I'm going to die soon.” he stated, with such hopelessness within his eyes.

“But, how do you know?” I asked, with concern.

A sudden pause came. And then Jeremy's deep, brown eyes started to water. He hid his

face in his hands and mumbled one simple word, “Cancer.”

Me and Jeremy had a connection. We understood each other. And that's what made us

become best friends. Starting from that day we met, Jeremy and I would meet at the cemetery

and talk. We just talked and talked. We talked about everything. Everyday and every minute.

When I was with him, it seemed as nothing else mattered. And the more time I spent with him,

the more the ache in my heart healed.

I was perfectly stable. I was no longer lonely, and I had somebody to talk to. But then

my whole world started to crash down.

I was two months away from being fifteen and still living in the orphanage when it

happened. I walked to the cemetery. But when I arrived, it was completely deserted. Jeremy

was no where in sight. So I waited there until he showed up, but he never did. The same thing

happened the next day. And the next day. Then those days turned into weeks, and soon it

became a month. The pain in my heart began to grow. It was coming back. I was all alone

once again. And Jeremy was no where to cure it.

Then I figured it out. I didn't want to believe it, because I didn't want to lose Jeremy. He

was the only thing that cured the unbearable pain of loneliness that burnt holes into my heart.

He was the reason I would smile everyday. And even thinking of him leaving this world, made

tears shed.

Jeremy had been my best friend and my only friend for two years. And I was just now

figuring it out. I was in love with him. And I would rather die, than have him leave my life and

leave me for the loneliness I've lived with for my entire life.

It was on October 9th whenever I finally got the call. I was lying in my bed in the

orphanage. Just thinking about Jeremy. And the day we met. I remembered the way his eyes

looked when he first told me he had cancer. And the way he was crying. I remembered it all.

And then the orphanage's counselor stopped in my room. She sat on my bed, and started to


“I'm terribly sorry, Bethany”, she stated at first, “but, your friend Jeremy-

“Stop”, I insisted. I knew what was coming next, but I refused to hear it. So I just told

the woman to leave me alone. So she got up and started to walk away. And as soon as she made

it nearly it out the door, she simply stated, “He's dead.”

First my hand, then my arms, and then my entire body. They all trembled. And they just

wouldn't stop. The room started to become more hot with each given second. And all I could

hear were the rapid beats of my heart. Tears ran down my face as if there was no tomorrow.

Then there was nothing left. I couldn't live with out Jeremy. And I wasn't going to.

My body was still trembling as I stood up. I started to make my way towards the

window. So many thoughts were going through my head at the time. And my heart had so

many pains from every angle. I looked out the window, and then removed the safety frame. I

stood on the ledge, took my final breath, smiled, and then jumped. Because, if Jeremy wasn't

with me. Then I had to be with Jeremy.

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