"Why, God?" I pray. "Why do I feel unloved. Not wanted on this world? What have I done?" I ask as tears stream down my face. Falling, falling, falling they go as the tears land on myself. "I have done everything I can! Why does he have to abuse me? Why can't I tell myself to leave him? Is it because he's so handsome? Or because every time I look at him I feel pity for him? My boyfriend was autistic. I had to live with him every day. Everyday, I prayed to you and you have not given me an answer! I am being enslaved to him. Why can't I just end it? Any other girl would have! Yes, every other girl had handsome boyfriends and boyfriends who wouldn't kick, punch, and pull you by the hair. They loved their girlfriends and they where living my dream life. Yet, why can't I bring myself to say no. To end it. It wouldn't be hard. All I'd have to do is never look back on him. His parents would be disappointed though. They trusted every other girl and every time they left they felt even more crushed. I wish i didn't have to make this decision. Why couldn't it have been someone else's problems? I don't deserve this." I finally fell asleep and the next day I called his parents. Nobody answered. I left a message. I was sorry it had to happen this way. The next day I felt free again and I smiled at different guys and I flirted. Suddenly i saw him. His face was all wet. His tears clung to his face and he gave one last look at me and left. I wanted to rush after him so bad! I didn't though and every day I remember his tear stricken face and wonder what I had brought upon him and his family. I was free but not at the same time. I wasn't free from the guilt that followed me and even to the day I had married I was not free.
October 2, 2010