Numb.

September 25, 2010
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I can’t move. I can’t speak. I can see everything around me but all I can do is blink. My eyes are like my only systems of support. I feel as if my entire body wants to go to sleep. Forever. I feel quite numb. It is a stale life for the moment. All I get to do is lie here, day after day, watching people pressing in their faces, glancing with sympathy and pity. God, I hate that. I hate the fact that people give me pity and not love. I hate the fact that all I can do is blink. I hate the hospital room I have been living in from the past year. I hate the fact that my life is a waste because of two drunken men who thought it “cool” to be driving and racing in their state of almost literal unconsciousness. I hate it all. I hate this life. I often dream, you know. Even though my body is a crippled mass of waste, I really do dream of a world in which I am not what I am right now. It is a beautiful place. I am with my family in the dream. Laughing. Crying with joy, even. Living with ample love and magic. I have my parents by my side. My husband gives me an encouraging smile. He doesn’t seem to think it’s my fault that our baby is dead. Crushed to death in my womb by the drunk drivers.
It’s a beautiful picture. But it just keeps fading away as days go by and even doctors start giving me looks of pity.
I sigh and close my eyes. I could really do with dreaming right now. Who knows? If the dream is good enough, maybe it would give me a reason to want to live. So, I close my eyes and wait for the mighty world of slumber to take over my mind. And it all comes back to me. It’s a series of dreams, and a good one at that. I am in the garden of our family home, back in Chester. It’s spring. All the neighbours have come together to celebrate the new season. We are jumping and bouncing around. All the children, including me, are engaged in games. Mother calls out to us for snacks. We readily run towards her.
Then the scene changes and I find myself in a different place altogether. It is the front door of my university dormitory. I am in Birmingham, in my dream university. My parents are there, too, happy for me. They know that I will be happy here.
Another change of scenes. I am at the church, in a beautiful white satin, Duchess, custom made gown. The man I love, Draco, is in front of me. My family looks so happy, and so does Draco. Everyone I love has joined me on the happiest day of my life. My wedding day. Draco’s eyes shine with love. Mum’s eyes glimmer with tears of joy. Dad’s eyes glow with pride. Draco and I are headed towards a lifetime of joy.
Another change of scene follows. I am coming home from work. The management of the magazine I write for has given me its approval and I look forward to my maternity leave. Look forward to the days when the baby would come and I would spend time with my child. There is a sudden revving sound and I become alert, changing lanes so as to avoid trouble. Trouble follows me. A car is hit by another car. The victim’s car hits mine. There is darkness all around me.
I am walking through a tunnel. This is strange. It has never happened before. There is darkness still all around me. But I feel something. Something…breezy. Inside me. I don’t seem to be walking at all. I am gliding. Nay, flying. I can fly! I am rising. Rising above the world. I slowly approach ground again and make a landing. I decide to walk this time. There is only one passage and I have no idea where it will lead me. I keep walking because there is a voice inside me that prompts me to keep walking. I walk on and on. I see nothing. I feel thirsty. I feel hungry. I feel tired. It feels like it’s been ages since I went home. I want to go home. I want to get out of this darkness. I don’t want to lie on a bed, day after day. I keep walking. There is a light somewhere. A bright, white light. I move towards it. It gets stronger and stronger and suddenly, somehow, they all erupt out of it. All of them. Mum, Dad, Draco, my grandparents, my friends. They seem to be going away from me. I try to catch up. But they just move away.
I wake up with a start. I blink several times. I see my mum in front of me, as I always do, tending to me out of love and not out of pity. There is Draco to my left and my father on the chair next to him. He is running his hand through my hair.
“Did you see that?” Draco whispers. “She moved!”
“Are you absolutely sure, Draco?” mum says.
“Of course, I am! You saw it!”
“We must fetch the doctor at once”, Dad says and, followed by Draco, he rushes out. Mum looks at me and resumes Dad’s role. She is smiling. It’s been a year since I saw her smile.
For that smile, I want to live. For that love, I want to live. For that mother, that father, that husband, the memory of the unborn child. I want to live for the people who love me. I have found the reason to want to live.





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