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The Words Wouldn't Come Out
I had meant to tell him all about it. I wanted to be able to tell him, and then have him cradle me in his arms and tell me that everything is going to be okay and try to comfort me while I cry. I’ve imagined it a million times in my mind, seeing the perfect moment before my eyes.
Then she walked in and ruined it. His girlfriend. Not very pretty, short, and a total b*tch. What did he see in her? Couldn’t he see how much I loved him, for all his flaws, while she tried to change him over and over again into something that he wasn’t?
Sitting in the hospital bed, everything hurts. I’m dying. I know that. There is no cure, no way to stop the nosebleeds, the bruises, the chemotherapy. The testing and the pain. Always the pain. It never leaves me alone. I’m going to die.
My phone lights up with a new text message. It’s him.
Do u want 2 go 2 the movies Friday?
I smile sadly.
I’m sorry, I can’t. My family’s in town.
It isn’t a lie. Most of my relatives are here, to see me one last time, and to say goodbye. And I’m not strong enough to even get out of the bed right now.
R u avoiding me?
No. I’m sorry if it seems like I have.
If it’s bcuz of Bailey, I want u 2 know something.
Bailey, his girlfriend…. She has made my short life worse than it already is. She lied to everyone around me. She lied to him about me.
The phone lights up again.
I broke up with her. I realized I have no feelings 4 her at all.
I want to type the words in. But I can’t. I don’t have the will to do this.
It’s ok. I want 2 c u, though. I miss u.
I miss you too.
Where r we gonna meet @ school?
I won’t be at school. But I can’t tell him that. Instead, I text him something else.
Where do you want to meet?
@ the picnic tables?
I sigh. How can I lie to him like this? I need to tell him. I need to tell him everything.
Gr8! So how r u?
I could tell him right now. That I won’t live to see school start. I won’t be able to see him again. That I’m going to die, in this hospital.
I’m doing okay. What about you?
Good. Hey, I need 2 tell u something.
My heart flutters. What is he going to say?
It takes a while for the next text to come, and when it does I open it eagerly.
How could I have even hoped that?
Hey I need 2 go. I’ll c u soon. Goodnight.
This is another chance I have. I type in the message I so desperately want to send him.
I love you. I’ve loved you since I met you. But I’m dying. I have leukemia. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier. I didn’t know how to.
I backspace the whole message away.