Thrown

September 13, 2010
By starxoxo23 PLATINUM, New Hampshire, New Hampshire
starxoxo23 PLATINUM, New Hampshire, New Hampshire
21 articles 0 photos 97 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself."
- Alan Alda


He has a faded blue blazer, soiled baggy jeans, a large belly jutting out from beneath the shelter of his soft fleece blanket, the one draped over his slouching shoulders, the color of dried mangos. In his frozen, shaky hands he clutchse a sign of cardboard that is beginning to disintegrate from the snow and the torrential rain. Will work for food. Please help. God bless.
The man's precious winter cap is placed on the ground beside him. Seven quarters, twelve nickels, and three dollar bills dally in the frosty haven of the cap and its once-soft wool lining. The money is invisible to passing strangers underneath the layers of frost and snow. Most of the strangers stare at the icy sidewalk with sudden fascination as they are passing the guy in the blazer and the weird orange blanket with the look of profound sorrow on his face. He gazes at each one steadily as they approach and hurry past him, mostly averting their eyes.
But there is always the rare encounter. This morning he was given a granola bar by a pretty little college student on her way to class. Her hair, red like early morning sunrays, reminded of him of his daughter's, and maybe that's why tears welled up in his eyes as he saw her approaching. He'd taken so much pleasure in shoving that granola bar down his throat, practically feeling the nourishment as it slid into his stomach, the dried fruit and chocolate coating on his tongue. However, even his hunger did not surpass his desperation for vodka. He would have killed - no, maybe not, he was far too sensitive, he'd never even had the stomach to stomp on a spider scuttling across the pavement - to sip a bit, just a tiny bit, of the magical drink he relied on.
He recalls the fateful day he had been thrown out by his second wife like he was a piece of garbage to be tossed away or a pest to be rid of. "Go," she had told him. "Get out. I don't want to see your face here ever again, you f***ing drunk."
Her words had stung him again and again, a thousand hornets stuck in the trap that was his heart, as he'd grabbed a bag of clothes and other necessities - including his precious bottle of vodka of course - and slammed the door of their aging smelly condo one final time.



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This article has 4 comments.


on Sep. 26 2010 at 5:46 pm
whatshername GOLD, Carlsbad, California
14 articles 1 photo 112 comments
this is good, but something seems off...i usually can figure it out but im tired sorry

on Sep. 26 2010 at 8:31 am
Samantha.07 GOLD, Doylestown, Pennsylvania
15 articles 0 photos 20 comments
My pleasure!

on Sep. 26 2010 at 7:50 am
starxoxo23 PLATINUM, New Hampshire, New Hampshire
21 articles 0 photos 97 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself."
- Alan Alda

Thanks sooo much! This was really helpful. You have some great points and I'll work on improving it with your suggestions (:

on Sep. 25 2010 at 8:23 pm
Samantha.07 GOLD, Doylestown, Pennsylvania
15 articles 0 photos 20 comments

Hello! Figured I respond to one of your articles, because you did for one of mine :)

 

I think the first sentence is a little hard to follow. The description is nice, but maybe cut it into two separate sentences. Not all sentences have to be long and heavy with description, as most of these are. You probably have heard the phrase "less is more". It's really hard to do that sometimes, taking your piece and only sing words you need. I read in a writer's book that once you've created your masterpiece, cut it in half. For instance, instead of saying "...practically feeling the nourishment as it slid into his stomach..." may sound better and more powerful like this: "...feeling the nourishment as it slid to his stomach.." You may decide you don't even need the word "feeling", because using a verb instead might sound better.

 

Otherwise, pretty powerful piece. Good luck with it! :)





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