trepidation

September 9, 2010
As I looked into those desolate dark eyes, I began to fear the same fate. The paranoia came forth and oozed around the edge of my brain. Breaking every barrier I worked so strenuously to put in place. I tried to blink the truth away. I held onto the chair for support. But with each bat of my abundant eyelashes it just became clearer and clearer.

The harsh, distinct lines seemed to crawl in all directions from the corners of her eyes. While the dense blackness under them seemed to eat away any light. It dragged down her face only enhancing the gaunt hallow expression. A face once so aglow with light and joy now seemed to just hold a hopeless, delirious demeanor. The one thing the sickness hadn’t devoured.
My heart crumbled as I backed away. I wanted to weep, and yet the only thing that came to my eyes was a dry burning sensation. A tremble ran up my spine, clutching onto my heart and forcing a whimper out my lips. I couldn’t look at her anymore. I always knew she was sick. But never had I thought I could be sick to. How would I know, until it was too late? Until I was sitting there just like her, seeming so lifeless while intolerable despair rolled off her. I knew what was really happening. I could practically feel it run across my skin. The thing eating her away little by little. Her mind. Her soul.
No, I would not become this way. I would not suffer the same fate. I would fight, I would destroy it. But even as the words empowered me the image appeared. Breaking down any further strength I had. The same shape face, same limp hair, graying at the roots but replacing the brown eyes appeared my own muddled blue.
This couldn’t be true. This could not be my fate. But every road I thought of, every path that I could journey down all ended in the same place. fear. Insanity. A dead end. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the person I once loved so much, instead of the one I feared of becoming. And as I took a breath from my trembling lips and looked back into those dead eyes I tried to keep my voice from trembling.
“Goodbye”





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