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But they were terrified...
(Day 1)There is only two things I regret in my life. The first thing was meeting him. The second was letting him go. I regret meeting him because both our lives might of ended up for the better. Now I’m sitting here in a jail cell talking to you and he’s…No, I don’t want to think about it. I really don’t know how I got into this mess. Well, to be honest with you I can see it all like a tragic movie in my head that keeps playing even when I’m crying to hard to keep watching. I just can’t see when it all went downhill. I remember that feeling of falling hard almost like someone pushed you off a building and you just kept falling. I stopping caring some where mid-fall because I knew gravity wasn’t taking pity on me. I can’t remember when I was pushed. I know you want to know what happened but I can’t tell you. Not all at once, I can’t handle it.
You’re right, I’ll start at the beginning.
Last summer my parents…I’m sorry I completely forgot to introduce myself. My name is Lily, well Lillian Misery but my friends call me Lily. You can call me Lily if you want. Anyway, last summer my parents went on a backpacking trip around Europe with out me. I’m 17 so I don’t really care about being myself all summer but just the fact that they left me alone. Could this be their fault? That’s what I was thinking too, there was no way they could’ve known their only daughter was a nuisance to society. I was heart broken but their was nothing I could do so I just sat around at home mostly or I would go down the street to this park near my house. I spent a lot of time at that park. He went to that park with me. Where was I? Oh yeah, so I would stay home alone and watch TV or draw. I never cooked because I hate washing dishes. It probably would’ve been better if it stayed that way. I’m not saying it was really glamorous or exciting but it was safe. Until the day we met.
I came home from the park around 7pm. It was kind of late but it was a really hot and sticky night so I went to go take a shower. I stayed in the shower for a while just changing from hot to cold. I liked the way the water kind of burned even when it was ice cold. When I got out I heard noise downstairs like foot steps. I froze for a second but that second seemed like a year I’ll never have back. In that second the air smelled of trees and the floors were warm against my wet feet. I suddenly felt exposed in my towel like I was completely naked in a public square. Then the noise stopped for a while and I felt stupid. I was scared of nothing in my own house. Just to prove to myself that I was smarter and braver then that I went down stairs with a bounce in ever single step. Even on my way down I started to doubt myself but it was almost like an adrenaline rush going down into the unknown. I actually really felt confident until I reached the bottom of the stairs.
He didn’t notice me at first because he was to busy raiding the desk in my living room. I was scared but it some how added to my rush and I surprised myself. I looked straight at him. I didn’t say anything for a minute. I just looked at him. He looked like he was maybe 21,22years old. He wasn’t really that tall but he was built like a former football star or something. Had hazelnut colored hair and from the back it was tussled. I don’t know if it was my teenage hormones or what but for some reason I found him really attractive in a forbidden kind of way. I was alone in my house with an older boy. I was alone in my house with a cute older boy. His jean were baggy but he wore a belt. His shirt was the oddest thing. He was wearing this black button up shirt. People don’t usually wear those to rob houses, right? I needed to say something to him. I shouldn’t have I should’ve called the police. Then he turned around.
The look on his face was part horrified part almost amused. He looked scared but in a beautiful way. Like his face was carved from stone or something. His eyes met mine and I have never seen eyes that green before. They were deep green like fresh cut grass. But they were terrified eyes. It almost made me melt a little that I was causing his terror. I had to say something to make those eyes feel better to take their fear away. “If you go right now, I won’t call the cops. I promise.” I tried to keep cool but I was still a little afraid of him. For some reason my fear made me want to go to him like people gathering to watch a house burn. He watched me for a second the fear slowly fading but still leaving shadows. He started to go towards to porch doors behind him. I guess that’s how he got in. He still watched me as he moved and I returned his gaze trying not to show fear. He stood at the door right before leaving. I think that was when I was pushed because right before he turned to leave he smiled at me. Not a snarky smile or a warm smile. It was almost like a amused smile, like I was more entertainment then a threat for him. That smile swam in my mind for the rest of the day. For the rest of the weekend actually. Some times accompanied by his terrified eyes and sometimes with his shadows creeping around in them. If that was the last time I would see him that image would have been the only thing I knew of him. So much for keeping cool.
That’s all I can do today, maybe we can talk more tomorrow? I got to go it’s lights out. Bye.
(Day 2) You never told me your name. That’s a really pretty name. It suits you. Where did we leave off yesterday? His smile. You’re right. I thought about it all weekend. My feelings on it changed the more I thought about it. One second it was he had a pretty smile and the next it was how dare he taunt me. Every corner I took in my house I saw that smile and every bench at the park had that smile waiting for me. I know it was all in my head. Then one day around the same time I came home from the park. I headed straight for the kitchen for a snack. I took out some fresh strawberries and I sat down at the counter eating and reading a magazine. That’s when it hit me. The whole house stopped smelling like strawberries and it started to smell like trees. I turned my head not wanting to get up and panic and there he was. This time he was in a dark blue hoodie and skinnier jeans. They were still baggy on him though. This time without hesitation or fear he looked right at me. I looked at him and for the first time I didn’t see a trace of fear. He almost looked worried or curious but not at all scared. As he was staring at me I realized I was still in my short shorts and tank top from the park and my hair was a little messy from the breeze outside. For some reason it really bothered me that he saw me like that. He was really still until he saw I wasn’t moving. He started to move closer to me.
“Why?” He stopped half way and just waited for a reply. He’s patient you have to give him that. I don’t understand. “Why, what?” My voice was a little shaky but it seemed to give him strength because he took a few more steps towards me. He was slow in his steps as if he didn’t want to alarm me. “The other day, why did you let me go?” I don’t really know the answer myself. I still don’t but for some reason it was really important for me to get the answer right. “I’m not scared of you.” is what came out instead. He smiled again this time it was a bit more warm. “That’s not what I’m asking. Why didn’t you call the police? Why did you let me walk away?” His voice was calm but curious. It was deeper than what I expected but still soft and slightly gentle. “I don’t know. Why did you come back?” He looked surprised at this as if he didn’t expect me to question him. “Do you want me to leave?” His question was so innocent I don’t think I ever felt safer than in that moment. I didn’t think I just said what I was feeling which surprised me too. “No.”
He slowly walked over and I could smell pine and grass. It was really strong but it reminded me of when I was younger and I would go camping with my dad. He walked over until he was inches away from me. Is it weird that I wanted nothing more than to reach out and to touch him? I didn’t though. He sat down next to me. We just sat in silence for a little while. I was to trusting of him. I should of asked him to leave then. I didn’t. I was going to ask him why he was there or what it was that he wanted from me. I was going to take control of the situation, the second my heart stopped beating a mile a minute. While I was trying to get my heart to listen to my brain he had gotten his thoughts together. I looked at him while we were sitting in silence and I realized that he looked younger up close. He couldn’t of been a couple of months older than me. His face was kind of dirty like he’s been in the dirt. His hair was wasn’t groomed and he started to grow stubble. I guess he saw me staring and he turned to look at me. I froze like a deer in headlights. Now thinking back on it I feel like I gave him power then. He knew he held my mind captive, he could see it in my eyes. He saw it like I saw the fear in his eyes the other day.
“I’m sorry for breaking into your house, I just wanted someth….” He paused and looked out the kitchen window. He was avoiding telling me something. I still don’t know why he felt he needed to explain himself to me. I forgave him the day he walked away. I never told him that.
Do I have to keep talking?
I know it’s my choice I just don’t know…
No, I’ll finish what I started for today.
He stared at his hands before continuing. They were covered in dirt. “ Look, I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” I was going to forgive him but something came over him. “Just tell me why you let me go and I will leave and never come back I promise.” I really didn’t know what to say. What if there wasn’t a reason for letting him go. What was I suppose to say then? “I can’t do that.” I didn’t know what else to do. He got up and he paced my kitchen for what seemed like eons.
I was wrong. I can’t finish today. I’ll see you tomorrow?…Bye.