I lay down on the cold floor, feeling my fingers press hard against the tiles beneath them. I clench them into fists, holding them tight against my legs. I've been here far too many times before. I close my eyes and clench my teeth together, preparing for what's about to come. And then it happens. The thoughts begin entering and the images begin replaying over and over. The memories that haunt me and the nightmares that scare me most begin playing behind my closed eyelids and they won't go away. I can push and fight, but the thoughts are there to stay until they've had their fun. The torture continues and I give up fighting it, for that only makes it worse. I let the thoughts come in and consume me, and I feel my eyes watering. Then the tears come. With every tear falling towards the ground I wince. Another night alone. And so, I sit there by myself, hopeless, and let my brain have its fun until finally the images fade and I fight my way back to sanity again. I push myself off of the bathroom floor and look in the mirror. I don't know the girl staring back at me. She's a stranger. She looks weak, tiny, sickening. I hate her. I push away and re-collect myself quickly. I force a slow smile to form as I shake it off, and then walk out as if nothing had happened in the first place. All of what had just occured is now hidden behind the smile now completely overtaking my face, and so it would stay my secret. I force out a laugh, and to you I seem happy. Oh well... I mean, we all have secrets, right?
August 25, 2010