Its funny, your views of people can change so quickly. One minute your spending time with your best friend and the next they’re gone, rapidly they evaporate into someone new, you can't see the difference; you feel it, the relationship is no longer pure, suddenly tainted for unexplainable reasons. The person you've run to is suddenly not there. Physically yeah, they are there, you can touch them; talk to them; see them, and yet they’re normal presence is gone. They are completely reborn into someone you don’t like. With in the blink of an eye, they are transformed into a less innocent and less trust worthy being. Suddenly you don't want a thing to do with them, you start to wonder if its you that under went the transformation but slowly you began to comprehend that it in fact was the other person. This painful transaction begins to set it, your breathing becomes heavier, your mind starts to spin, stress over powers you and whats left? The hollow cracked bruised and beaten version of you. The hurt of knowing you’ve lost someone you love to a different side and that they’re gone now. They still breathe, still wake up in the morning, still function but the original sides of them have vanished. Gone and concealed away to never return. So what do you do? Let them go on and watch them fall and break like you’ve watched many before them? Try to help and mean while you break the bond much further? Change yourself to better be shaped into a piece in their new puzzle of a life? Do you walk away and forget about them? Admit that its your fault and with getting close to people comes the process of getting burned? Wait until they slowly break from the molds that they have fitted themselves to, just to return to their old place? What if they never do? So you wait helplessly for them to either reverse and come back to you or to spiral into a worse fall. You think about the desperate attempts you’ve made to weave the relationship back into place and to help them. You wonder silently if there is a problem, or if the problem is now over, and that unknowingly your only responding to change, and the real problem was how things were before. Though you were so much happier, the way things are, it makes your mind twist and destroy your old way of thinking; but now you know. You can't fix them, they’re gone, they won't be back. They’ve moved on and yet your stuck, orbiting this same depression. Memories play like movies in your head, of all the laughs, long talks, smiles, and all the things you can't replace. Now its all so absent. Every things so hostile now, arguments and fights that put a film over everything. It's not worth it.
Its Not Worth It
August 10, 2010