Daydreaming in Reality

There are some days when I wake up and imagine that I’m back in California, soaking up the sun on the beach and drinking alcoholic frozen drinks with those stupid little umbrellas. I imagine that I am surrounded by friends who cherished me, rather than trashed me. I imagine I have a boyfriend, who had all his s*** together and didn’t get in trouble for sneaking out to see me instead of running to the store for milk, because his parents adored me like I was already part of the family. I imagine I have parents who would devote their whole life to their precious daughter. I imagine there are people who are jealous of me, but are nonetheless, kind to me. I imagine that I’m every teacher’s favorite, with my vast knowledge and skills. I imagine that I have a plan for after high school, after college, after everything and anything.

And then there are some days when I wake up and don’t imagine anything of the sort, because I know exactly what has happened. I know I’ve been lost ever since Annabelle left. I know I should have never started using. I know that hiding my addiction hurt me in many ways, as did it to the people around me. I know I was not well liked. I know I shouldn’t have let snarky comments get to me, but they did. I know I’m lucky to have a boyfriend who would risk punishment to see my face. I know my parents have always provided for me, but they don’t really love me. I know that anything is not possible, now that I’m here, to stay. I know I’m dying and that it won’t be long before I go.

There are some days when I wake up and dream about the future. I dream I’m returning home to parents who missed me more than they realize. I dream that I’m attending college, graduating college. I dream that I don’t need to fall in love, because the man I love has always been by my side. I dream that the people I meet while traveling around the world promoting my paintings and drawings have become my friends. I dream that I was given a second chance at fulfilling my life. I dream that I have settled down, gotten married and had a beautiful baby girl. I dream that I will be turning older with them on a porch in a white picket-fence house. I dream, even if I don’t want to, that I am lying in the ground in some cemetery, because Death came for me way too early. I dream that with my death came closure to all I’ve ever known.

And then there are some days when I wake up and are simply there. I have no thoughts coursing through my brain. I have no desire to get out of bed, even if my strength allowed me to. I have no comforting words for the boy who has given me everything. I have no idea how to continue on living, knowing my time’s coming closer and closer. I have no sympathy for the others here, for they will actually survive their recovery.

There are some days when I wish that I could just end everyone’s sorrows and suffering, including my own. I wish the disease would progress faster, so I wouldn’t feel the pain of knowing my mistakes have finally caught up with me. I wish Jazz would return home and find another, non-terminal, girl to love and care for. I wish Annabelle would do the right thing and kill me now. I wish I wasn’t so selfish, because if I hadn’t been, maybe none of this would have ever happened. I wish for one last wish before my candle goes out and I am forever wiped from the world and thus, eventually, everyone’s memories.





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