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Somehow calm, in her head.
Steady. Motivated. Strait.
She breathed, the cool air stung her throat, scraped by her tongue.
It was so cold.
All she could see was everything. But everything she wanted to see was nowhere.
So cold. So... high.
From where she stood, brilliant morning sunlight flung its rays lazily across the sky, streaking into nothingness somewhere high above. Its rays sparkled, tiny prisms of light formed from the dew left to accompany the parched grass from night into the dawn.
Such tiny observations. The bigger picture was much less beautiful.
She could not be thinking of unbeautiful things.
The wind stuttered, whispering enlightenment to the trees. As the leaves shivered from loss of their ignorance, the wind gusted up and attacked her. She gasped, she did not know its whispered sercets. She could not hear, She could never understand.
Nonetheless, she stepped back at its retaliaton. Eyes shut tight against the world, shivering, Samantha Howle stepped back once more.
The concrete moaned under her feet, gritted its teeth as her legs contemplated failing her, as her heart flung itself against the inside of her chest. It didnt want this ruin.
A good heart, maybe, yes.
But this head.
Forcing her eyes open, she steadied herself, steadied her doubtful legs, her pounding heart. She would not allow them to fail her. Choking down another draft of cool air. She had no desire to think about this. No desire to hesitate.
She had one small flickering hope.
But it would be dampened out... it was so close to gone now...
She had no desire to lie to herself.
If he ran after her... if he tried to stop her... she would allow it.
She would not fling herself from this roof with his objections.
Therefore, the hesitation. Therefore, the doubt.
They always caused doubt.
They always caused these headaches... these awful...
Why wouldnt they just leave her alone...
It wasnt real.
She would tell herself, They would tell her.
None of it was real.
But it all felt so damned real. How could it be ignored. When she tried to repress it...
The headaches only grew.
At first yes. They never spoke to her in exactly the right tone... always distorted...
It drove her to near insanity sometimes.
She had slammed her eyelids shut again, without realizing it. Two breaths. Quick, shallow, afraid.
you will listen
Please God; She began to gasp out loud, unable to hold in the fearful bursts of breath that wanted to be screams.
No No No
do you believe in god samantha?
No No No No...
She could never stop them. Never.
The wind distracted her for a moment, pressing itself up against her in another burst of uncontrolled yearning to go, to be gone, to be elsewhere, to be free.
With the voices scorning her, with the whispers mocking her, she traced her steps back to the edge of the building.
No one was coming.
because no one cares
but you're wrong lamb
they are coming
She couldnt concieve talking back. Maybe if they thought she did not hear, they would go away...
It was foolish thinking. That realization did not provoke any difference in attitude toward them.
She would never talk back...
to stop you lamb
is that what you want?
No No No No No
It was her mantra. It was all she ever allowed herself to think.
Samantha squeezed her eyes shut once again, but the blackness of this action did not comfort. The darkness of her eyelids contorted nothingness into images, and they matched the voices, and when they used the voices...
Unintelligible sound escaped her tightly shut lips, as her eyes shot open once again.
Sweat trickling down her neck despite the feirce coldness, she observed the world below her nonchalantly. She tried so hard to be devoid of emotion... she wanted to be empty.
She failed. And no matter how many times she attempted this secureness, she failed.
Confusion rattled her legs into shaking again.
They would not stay steady long. They would not hold her long.
The damned voices...
are you going to then lamb?
you know no one will miss you
they would have come by now if they cared
They wouldnt shut up...
of course if you want to continue life
you selfish little lamb
you can fool yourself
you can charade around like we're not here
you know its a lie
Samantha begged God to let them stop. Maybe.
Maybe if they could stop for long enough.
She could gather thoughts.
but those thoughts lamb
you know they wouldnt be worth it
you cant think
you cant talk
and what is the point of gathering lamb
these thoughts that arent worth speaking
and could not be spoken right if perhaps they were
foolish little lamb...
Her legs collapsed underneath her. She screamed as she realized she had fallen the wrong way.
Wtih a jolt she landed hard on her left shoulder.
A sharp intake of breath; a small groan.
The voices laughed.
In equal, solid, real scorn.
Salty droplets of water shed from her eyes, rolled silently down her cheeks, around her nose. Samantha clenched her jaw shut. She did not want to start this... not again, please.
She just wanted them to stop.
Anything at all to make them get out of her head.
As she attempted to drag herself back up to her feet, and face the rooftop ledge again, she heard faintly, a door screeching on its hinges, shoes scraping against the gravely rooftop.
Samantha flung herself to her feet, stumbling backwards. She felt her heel slide off the edge of reality.
"Samantha!" Dennis skidded to a stop as he saw her stumble towards death. "God please Samantha dont, please, please...." He didnt seem to be able to choke any other word from his lips.
Samantha wanted to rejoice in his arrival. But the voices... they wouldnt stop... they wouldnt let her just think for a minute...
came he did after all
to make sure you werent faking it dear
to make sure you were really dead lamb
he just wants you gone
gone like you want us see
you're just the annoying whispering insane voice in the back of his head
driving him insane
dear lamb do you see what you've done?
Samantha was sobbing. She wasnt aware of opening her mouth to scream, to gasp. She could not snap her mouth shut again.
Dennis was so beautiful.
Even with these voices... confusing her... invading her head... messing up her train of thought, she could see.
She would always marvel at his features, his inanely compassionate eyes held hers.
She could see her own escalating fears reflected back at her through those wonderful eyes.
She couldnt ignore the voices...
And of course they made sense.
If she let him near...
Would he push her the rest of the way off this cliff of death, this perch on insanity?
yes yes yes dear lamb
yes you see, dont you see
Dennis was standing, his hands shook, his fingers twitched.
His legs were not steady.
Samantha did not know what to do.
If he objected.
But if he did not...
Oh God please stop please stop please God please
he will push you over
he will creep up to you
and fling you to your death
and no one will even care
Oh God she couldnt Think.
Dennis took a step toward her.
"Stop! God Stop, I swear.." Her voice was hoarse from the sobs, they still flung themselves from her throat in rapid succesion, they would not stop, she could not quell them.
Dennis not only stopped, but moved back, his hands held up chest high, as if being held at gunpoint.
"Please dont. I swear Sammy, I'll stop. Please please, I'll even back up, come off the edge... you're scaring me to death Sammy please..." He murmered as if to a sleeping child.
She could hardly hear him through the cacophany inside her mind.
"I..." she choked on another sob. "I just want them stop.." She looked to Dennis pleadingly.
"I'll stop them. I swear I will, Sammy, God..."
my lamb cant you see the deciet?
cant you hear it?
"STOP IT!" she screamed. She couldnt handle this any longer. She couldnt keep them inside. "GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!"
Samantha Howle fell to her knees on the rooftop, howling in despair. She couldnt stop the voices. She couldnt keep the voices in. She felt as if her head were going to explode with their uproarious anger at her denial. At her failure.
She didnt realize she had come to rest laying down, until she felt her Dennis wrap his arms around her. Slowly, cautiously.
"No please no, dont, God please dont, dont throw me.." She could no longer manage the volume for screaming, her throat roared in agony, as well as her head. They screamed at her that she was a fool. He was going to throw her, pitch her, kill her...
In some long lost corner of her head she welcomed death. She wanted him to hurl her out into the open space, to feel the rush of air against her face, and then feel the nothing, the release of nothingness.
She did not feel these things she feared and desired.
Her eyes squeezed shut once again, she felt something colder than was supposed to be. It pressed itself gently against her temple, somewhat soothing the commotion caused by those voices that she could not rid.
"I love you so much Sammy."
She opened her eyes to see her Dennis. He was not going to throw her from the building. Relieved and dissapointed, she stared up at those mahogany eyes. There was such pain... she knew she caused it. Samantha shuddered in his arms, despite their softness, their warmth.
He set his jaw.
Clenched his teeth.
Samantha closed her eyes. For some bizzare reason, she needed to close her eyes.
The voices stopped.
Ahh.... sweet void.
Ahhh... sweet sweet nothingness.