Before

August 22, 2010
By Stormythrone BRONZE, Anchorage, Alaska
Stormythrone BRONZE, Anchorage, Alaska
4 articles 19 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing is good or bad. Its thinking that makes it so. -Benjamin Franklin


Today was yet again the day.
Whispers could be heard in the halls as I walk my lonely road. They are looking upon me with judgmental eyes and hatered. What I have done to them, I don't know.
They jeer and yell at me, calling me names and wishing me dead. I fight the urge to close my eyes and run, I fight the urge to stop walking.
"Going to another guys house again 'eh Ann?" A familiar voice called out. Ivan.
I attempt to ignore him, quickening my pace. I wont be drawn in that easily. Not again.
"Is it going to be your place or his this time?" He calls again to me, and I don't answer. My only responce is another step out of this hell hole.

It seemed to take an eternity, to walk from my class to the front door, out to freedome. It feels like forever. I turn down a familiar wooded path, and let the tears flow. Today was the day when I permitted myself to let it out, to break my unwaivering mask. Endless tears seem to run down my cheeks. The hurt was unbearable, but I held it in until the grave was in sight.

Mary and Jeff Bathson.
Loving mother and father.

Throwing myself onto my knees before the grave, I curl up into a ball, and howl with anguish.

---

I had followed her after she left, waiting a few minutes before leaving. She didn't seem to notice. When the trail we were on led to a cemetary, goose bumps ran down my arms. What was she? A witch? Was she going to raise dead, or start a ritual? I knew she was bad.. but this is a whole new level. Thoughts flow endlessly, looking at every possibility, everyone but the right one, I realized, as soon as she dropped before a grave.
No way...


The author's comments:
Would love to know if I should continue

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This article has 17 comments.


abbylou99 said...
on Nov. 16 2011 at 8:31 pm
you should totally coninue!

on Dec. 21 2010 at 5:39 pm
HBCdance BRONZE, Ann Arbor, Michigan
3 articles 0 photos 26 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish." - John Jakes

YES! You should comtinue!

on Oct. 16 2010 at 12:33 am
AussiMusicLover BRONZE, Central Coast, Other
4 articles 1 photo 42 comments

Favorite Quote:
When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams
The hottest love has the coldest end.
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop
Falling in love is awfully simple, but falling out of love is simply awful.

Yeah .. i recen u shoudn't of stopped it where you did... i wouldve made him stay there then he goes up to her and they talk.. but yeah GREAT STORY PLEASEPLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTINUE!!!!!!!

on Sep. 27 2010 at 5:11 pm
starxoxo23 PLATINUM, New Hampshire, New Hampshire
21 articles 0 photos 97 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself."
- Alan Alda

I love the idea of this story, and it's clear that you're really good at imagery. =) But there are a lot of spelling & grammar mistakes that kinda detract from the actual story... and like Day-Dreamer17 said, it's confusing to the reader when the story suddenly switches from past tense to present tense in the middle of paragraphs.

I definitely think you should continue with this! It's a great idea and could develop into an amazing story. (: Hope I helped.


on Sep. 26 2010 at 5:08 pm
Stormythrone BRONZE, Anchorage, Alaska
4 articles 19 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing is good or bad. Its thinking that makes it so. -Benjamin Franklin

Thank you :) I will

on Sep. 26 2010 at 4:58 pm
PussnBoots GOLD, Tomahawk, Wisconsin
12 articles 0 photos 138 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When life hands you lemons, make apple juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it." -Unknown
"The world is my pineapple. I just have to figure out a way past the prickly parts." -Me

Okeedoke. First of all, I like the idea. :) It's a little vague what the purpose is, but if you wrote more  I think it would become clearer. There are some grammar trip-ups that you could fix, but those aren't as important in my book. You've got to watch the tenses, though. Sometimes it's in present, sometimes in past.

What really confused me is who's following her? Is it a guy or a girl? The whole thing's a little vague.

Keep writing, 'cause you probably have more than one person's curiosity up, including mine. :)


on Sep. 21 2010 at 7:02 pm
kao-chanu SILVER, Central, Utah
7 articles 1 photo 51 comments
it was good, better than some of your other work i have read. :) you def are a talented writer. Please continue, but make sure you edit it well, there were mistakes.

on Sep. 1 2010 at 8:49 pm
Annalibelle BRONZE, Elmsford, New York
2 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Hey, it’s Annali from Actually Helpful Critique.

The archaic voice was very interesting, but it was inconsistent. If your narrator is going to sound old fashioned/ formal, then she has to sound that way all the time. Ex.“ They are looking upon me with judgmental eyes and hatred. What I have done to them, I don't know.” If you mix using contractions and not using contractions, then you are going to sound stilted and awkward.

The piece doesn’t quite flow so smoothly, maybe because of the lack of contractions and slang. Read every sentence aloud to see how it’s going to sound. “They are looking upon me with judgmental eyes and hatred,” sounds off; but “They fix judgmental stares full of hatred upon me,” sounds a bit smoother, but still archaic.

This piece was a bit short; personally I would have waited and finished the second narrator’s bit before I published. Definitely continue it. It sounds intriguing, but I didn’t get a full sense of the plot because there wasn’t enough.

Bottom Line: Continue it and polish for flow.


Emmaline said...
on Aug. 26 2010 at 11:03 am
you should defanently continue posting! this would make a very good story!

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 25 2010 at 9:21 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

Now that I got that out of my system....

The good:  The emotions are good.  You don't make them frilly and pink - you leave them raw and it serves your purpose well.  I love the other perspective.  Adds to the mystery. :)

The bad: It is a little confusing.  Today was what day?  You could use a little more detail.

The random:  Definitely continue!

Keep writing! ~AsIAm


AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 25 2010 at 9:11 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

At first I was kind of like "Huh?" Then I kept reading and it turned into "Holy crud this is awesome!" and then it was "Aww, it's done?"  Definitely continue!  

on Aug. 25 2010 at 5:44 pm
Stormythrone BRONZE, Anchorage, Alaska
4 articles 19 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing is good or bad. Its thinking that makes it so. -Benjamin Franklin

Thank you :)
 I will continue it, but I cannot promise when. Inspiration is a hard thing to find here. Hope you enjoy it when I continue! And ill check out yours soon :)

on Aug. 25 2010 at 5:43 pm
Stormythrone BRONZE, Anchorage, Alaska
4 articles 19 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing is good or bad. Its thinking that makes it so. -Benjamin Franklin

Thanks so much :)

on Aug. 25 2010 at 11:19 am
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

I also liked this.

This was a great prologue I think, becasue you showed two aspects of Ann- her apparent problem with boys, and her unfortunate dead partents.  You should definately continue.  I think this could be a deep story, one where the main character not only has one deep problem, but two.  I think you could do wel wit this, please continue.

I also loved how you had that other character follow her into the graveyard.  It was good to get another POV, to see how others saw her.

 

Can you check out my story, "Encounter"?  I think you'd like it.


on Aug. 25 2010 at 8:00 am
i_am_nobody SILVER, Belgrade, Montana
7 articles 0 photos 85 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be yourself, don't take anyone's sh*t, and never let them take you alive." -Gerard Way

yes. i thought it was really good. you packed a lot into such a little essay or watever it is. and the cliffhanger at the end really bugs me cuz i wanna kno how it ends!

on Aug. 25 2010 at 3:02 am
Stormythrone BRONZE, Anchorage, Alaska
4 articles 19 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing is good or bad. Its thinking that makes it so. -Benjamin Franklin

o.o oh wow, you liked it that much?

on Aug. 25 2010 at 12:17 am
i_am_nobody SILVER, Belgrade, Montana
7 articles 0 photos 85 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be yourself, don't take anyone's sh*t, and never let them take you alive." -Gerard Way

CONTINUE CONTINUE CONTINUE!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!




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