August 21, 2010
It was Friday evening, and Annabelle arrived home later than usual due to the fact that she had to retake a test she nearly failed. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to do well in school, because she did, but it took too much effort for her to get a decent grade. In any case, some days, despite staying up, studying all night for an exam, Annabelle would still do poorly. She wasn’t stupid, but she was also no rocket scientist like her friend Hadley. Hadley was half Korean and her parents would always get mad if she started slacking in school. One time, she brought home a B- on a quiz that everyone else bombed, and was grounded for the weekend. Annabelle felt sorry for her friend. She always tried her best but it was never good enough for her parents.

“Annabelle, where have you been?” interrogated her mother.

“I was at school, retaking a test,” she replied.

“I’ve called you four times. You couldn’t have just sent me a text to let me know?”

“Sorry, Mom,” Annabelle whispered. She then continued along upstairs, throwing her heavy, navy blue backpack into the corner of the den on the way up. Once she reached her bedroom, Annabelle shut the door behind her and collapsed onto her soft bed, letting out a giant sigh. Closing her sleep deprived eyes; she allowed her mind to drift off, soon falling into a deep slumber.

Two hours passed by and Annabelle remained, sleeping in her bed until she was awoken.

“What are you doing in there?” her mother yelled, knocking on her door. Annabelle’s eyes slowly opened and she sat up, wiping the drool off the side of her chin.


“Coming mom,” she said in a hurry. Standing up, she opened her bedroom door, only to find her mom standing uncomfortably close to her with a giant wooden spoon in her hand.

“What’s with the spoon, Mom?” she asked.

“Never mind the spoon darling, I’m cooking dinner,” her mother explained.

“Don’t call me darling, it’s weird,” Annabelle ordered, rubbing her unfocused eyes.

“Why are you always up here in your room sleeping after school? Why don’t you go out and do something with your friends?” her mother wondered aloud. Annabelle’s mom did not understand. It wasn’t that easy. Annabelle wasn’t popular in school and was never invited “out.” Boys did not find her attractive in any way, shape or form and she was not the kind of person to invite herself places where she was unwanted. But Annabelle was not going to explain this to her mother. Instead, she came up with a decent excuse.

“I’m tired, Mom. I’ve had seven different tests this week, four of which I had today, not including the retake after school. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to return to my bed where I am comfortable and can catch up on my sleep.”
“Well, come down for dinner. It will be ready within an hour.” With that, Annabelle’s mother returned to the kitchen to finish cooking dinner.
Annabelle was not in the mood to eat tonight and crawled back into her messy bed, curling up into the fetal position. She closed her eyes but this time started to cry. They were silent tears falling from her blue eyes. Annabelle was sure she was depressed but was in no way going to inform her mother about this. It was all of the “silly things” she was crying over. She was fat and ugly. No boys liked her. She was not good in school and a terrible athlete. Annabelle tried to think of one thing she was decent at but couldn’t come up with anything. She just wanted to go back to sleep. The deep sleep she was in before her obnoxious mother had to wake her. Sleep was Annabelle’s way of escaping from the world she hated. Anything was possible in her dreams, and thinking that, she closed her eyes and wished sleep to take over.

Join the Discussion

This article has 11 comments. Post your own now!

jumpingbug13 said...
Aug. 30, 2010 at 7:12 am
love it! Check out some of mine? i just submitted them a few days ago, so if you could just keep an eye out that would be so cool :) Great work, keep writing!
darkangel09 said...
Aug. 29, 2010 at 11:49 pm

great writing. i like how you wrote this. personly i'd like to know what happens to Annabelle.

but other wise i like it

Whylime said...
Aug. 28, 2010 at 11:42 am

Simon Critique: I will first start by saying that the message is clear and it is horrible to feel this way. There was a time in my life I thought this way but I whipped myself into shape and I am now a very happy person. Ok, harse critique, I'm going to be honest but I don't want to hurt your feelings so don't take it personally, I just want to help...

The first sentence should have been broken in two because it seemed a bit run-on-ish. I think it might have sounded better if you ... (more »)

faeriesdescending44 said...
Aug. 26, 2010 at 8:09 pm

this was really interesting. though, (this is just my opinion) u seemed to place special emphasis on the spoon. is the spoon important?

and is there anyone else in annabelles family?

i really liked this  and would love it if you'd read my work!

uthinkyourcoolerthanme23 replied...
Aug. 30, 2010 at 7:31 pm
thanks so much! yeah i didnt mean for the spoon to be important or anything but now that u mention it maybe i could somehow make it symbolic or something?? and there are others in annabelle's family i would include if i decide to continue the story.
faeriesdescending44 replied...
Aug. 31, 2010 at 3:37 pm
well then u should for sure continue. im hooked
sunrise_faerie said...
Aug. 26, 2010 at 4:24 pm

:D great!!!!!!!! i love your writing.


thepreechyteenager said...
Aug. 25, 2010 at 6:31 am

If you'd like to, I think you could do a great job continuing this.  You know talking all about what Annabelle does in her dreams and stuff.

Anyway, overall I liked your story very much.  There are no grammar or spelling mistakes that I saw, (<--- I applaude you on that, I don't think I could ever do that!)  I liked that your wording was very eloquent and each word had a reaon to be there and helped your story move forward.

The only thing I... (more »)

BaileyBaby13 replied...
Aug. 26, 2010 at 9:06 pm
I really liked this. But I think you should continue it! I'm really curious if Annabelle will go farther into depression, or make a friend who pulls her out of it?,(:
BooBooBunny replied...
Aug. 29, 2010 at 9:41 pm

I disagree, I thought the author's stopping point was perfect! She was just trying to show a moment in the life of Annabelle, which she did really well.

I'll just include the rest of my critique here:

You could edit this a little more Especially the dialogue with Annabelle and her mother, the spoon part was distracting. (I did like the "Don't call me darling" line though, so you could reincorporate that somewhere else.) The part about her Korean friend could also be condensed to... (more »)

S. said...
Aug. 24, 2010 at 7:15 pm
great writing!!!
bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback