August 21, 2010
By sbear406 GOLD, Summit, New Jersey
sbear406 GOLD, Summit, New Jersey
10 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.

It was Friday evening, and Annabelle arrived home later than usual due to the fact that she had to retake a test she nearly failed. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to do well in school, because she did, but it took too much effort for her to get a decent grade. In any case, some days, despite staying up, studying all night for an exam, Annabelle would still do poorly. She wasn’t stupid, but she was also no rocket scientist like her friend Hadley. Hadley was half Korean and her parents would always get mad if she started slacking in school. One time, she brought home a B- on a quiz that everyone else bombed, and was grounded for the weekend. Annabelle felt sorry for her friend. She always tried her best but it was never good enough for her parents.

“Annabelle, where have you been?” interrogated her mother.

“I was at school, retaking a test,” she replied.

“I’ve called you four times. You couldn’t have just sent me a text to let me know?”

“Sorry, Mom,” Annabelle whispered. She then continued along upstairs, throwing her heavy, navy blue backpack into the corner of the den on the way up. Once she reached her bedroom, Annabelle shut the door behind her and collapsed onto her soft bed, letting out a giant sigh. Closing her sleep deprived eyes; she allowed her mind to drift off, soon falling into a deep slumber.

Two hours passed by and Annabelle remained, sleeping in her bed until she was awoken.

“What are you doing in there?” her mother yelled, knocking on her door. Annabelle’s eyes slowly opened and she sat up, wiping the drool off the side of her chin.


“Coming mom,” she said in a hurry. Standing up, she opened her bedroom door, only to find her mom standing uncomfortably close to her with a giant wooden spoon in her hand.

“What’s with the spoon, Mom?” she asked.

“Never mind the spoon darling, I’m cooking dinner,” her mother explained.

“Don’t call me darling, it’s weird,” Annabelle ordered, rubbing her unfocused eyes.

“Why are you always up here in your room sleeping after school? Why don’t you go out and do something with your friends?” her mother wondered aloud. Annabelle’s mom did not understand. It wasn’t that easy. Annabelle wasn’t popular in school and was never invited “out.” Boys did not find her attractive in any way, shape or form and she was not the kind of person to invite herself places where she was unwanted. But Annabelle was not going to explain this to her mother. Instead, she came up with a decent excuse.

“I’m tired, Mom. I’ve had seven different tests this week, four of which I had today, not including the retake after school. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to return to my bed where I am comfortable and can catch up on my sleep.”
“Well, come down for dinner. It will be ready within an hour.” With that, Annabelle’s mother returned to the kitchen to finish cooking dinner.
Annabelle was not in the mood to eat tonight and crawled back into her messy bed, curling up into the fetal position. She closed her eyes but this time started to cry. They were silent tears falling from her blue eyes. Annabelle was sure she was depressed but was in no way going to inform her mother about this. It was all of the “silly things” she was crying over. She was fat and ugly. No boys liked her. She was not good in school and a terrible athlete. Annabelle tried to think of one thing she was decent at but couldn’t come up with anything. She just wanted to go back to sleep. The deep sleep she was in before her obnoxious mother had to wake her. Sleep was Annabelle’s way of escaping from the world she hated. Anything was possible in her dreams, and thinking that, she closed her eyes and wished sleep to take over.

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This article has 11 comments.

on Aug. 31 2010 at 3:37 pm
datrumpeter PLATINUM, Jefferson City, Missouri
40 articles 6 photos 59 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes. that way, when you insult them, you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have their shoes.'

well then u should for sure continue. im hooked

sbear406 GOLD said...
on Aug. 30 2010 at 7:31 pm
sbear406 GOLD, Summit, New Jersey
10 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.

thanks so much! yeah i didnt mean for the spoon to be important or anything but now that u mention it maybe i could somehow make it symbolic or something?? and there are others in annabelle's family i would include if i decide to continue the story.

Thing1 said...
on Aug. 30 2010 at 7:12 am
Thing1, Fayetteville, North Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
'If there is a book you really want to read that hasn't been written, then you must write it' ~ Toni Morrison
' Stupid is as stupid does' ~ Forrest Gump

love it! Check out some of mine? i just submitted them a few days ago, so if you could just keep an eye out that would be so cool :) Great work, keep writing!

on Aug. 29 2010 at 11:49 pm
darkangel09 GOLD, South Huntington, New York
13 articles 0 photos 64 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."-Voltaire

great writing. i like how you wrote this. personly i'd like to know what happens to Annabelle.

but other wise i like it

on Aug. 29 2010 at 9:41 pm
BooBooBunny BRONZE, Burnesville, North Carolina
2 articles 0 photos 24 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A man's a success if he wakes up and goes to bed-and in between does what he wants to do."- Bob Dylan

I disagree, I thought the author's stopping point was perfect! She was just trying to show a moment in the life of Annabelle, which she did really well.

I'll just include the rest of my critique here:

You could edit this a little more Especially the dialogue with Annabelle and her mother, the spoon part was distracting. (I did like the "Don't call me darling" line though, so you could reincorporate that somewhere else.) The part about her Korean friend could also be condensed to one or two sentences.

I thought that this story was very true to life and I really enjoyed your writing style. I have felt a little depressed before and I feel that you very well conveyed the emotion. 

Please comment on "Think Blinde!"

Whylime said...
on Aug. 28 2010 at 11:42 am
Whylime, Brentwood, Tennessee
0 articles 0 photos 157 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grief is the price we pay for love -- Queen Elizabeth ll
Don't go there, I'll only follow -- ???
Why is a raven like a writing desk? -- The Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland
Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most -- Willy W.

Simon Critique: I will first start by saying that the message is clear and it is horrible to feel this way. There was a time in my life I thought this way but I whipped myself into shape and I am now a very happy person. Ok, harse critique, I'm going to be honest but I don't want to hurt your feelings so don't take it personally, I just want to help...

The first sentence should have been broken in two because it seemed a bit run-on-ish. I think it might have sounded better if you said: "It was Friday night, and Annabelle arrived home later than usual. She had nearly flunked her test the day before but her teacher had allowed her to take a retake." Or something like that... Second, "...where have you been?" Anabelle's mother interrogated. the word interrogated seemed too large a word to be used to describe what someone asked. Third, "closing her sleep deprived eyes.." The sleep deprived bit was supposed to show she was tired but it hurt the story's flow and seemed unnessesary.

What I liked was the message and the way you gave your charcters unique traits and personanlities; the hardworking asian, the depressed self conscience teen, the oblivious mother. I always tell people characters are what make the readers turn pages. You did very well in this area. Good luck, and I look forward to seeing your latest work!Great Job!

-- J7X Team

on Aug. 26 2010 at 9:06 pm
BaileyBaby13 BRONZE, Enumclaw, Washington
2 articles 4 photos 75 comments
I really liked this. But I think you should continue it! I'm really curious if Annabelle will go farther into depression, or make a friend who pulls her out of it?,(:

on Aug. 26 2010 at 8:09 pm
datrumpeter PLATINUM, Jefferson City, Missouri
40 articles 6 photos 59 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes. that way, when you insult them, you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have their shoes.'

this was really interesting. though, (this is just my opinion) u seemed to place special emphasis on the spoon. is the spoon important?

and is there anyone else in annabelles family?

i really liked this  and would love it if you'd read my work!

on Aug. 26 2010 at 4:24 pm
sunrise_faerie GOLD, Fredericksburg, Virginia
11 articles 3 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
things are only as dark as you make them.
there is always beauty in every situation. look for it and you will see.
smile; sometimes it's all that will keep you from crying.

:D great!!!!!!!! i love your writing.


on Aug. 25 2010 at 6:31 am
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

If you'd like to, I think you could do a great job continuing this.  You know talking all about what Annabelle does in her dreams and stuff.

Anyway, overall I liked your story very much.  There are no grammar or spelling mistakes that I saw, (<--- I applaude you on that, I don't think I could ever do that!)  I liked that your wording was very eloquent and each word had a reaon to be there and helped your story move forward.

The only thing I want to point out to you isn't really a flaw in your story, but I still want to bring it up.  In your intro paragraph, you explained how Annabelle wasn't really stupid ect...  But when you said it waas too much effort to get good grades, you kinda made her sound lazy.  Was that your intension?  It makes it harder to like the main character.

Can you check out my story, "A Secret No More"?

S. said...
on Aug. 24 2010 at 7:15 pm
great writing!!!

Parkland Book