I feel like I am falling. Literally. The sensation that gravity is collapsing in on itself is more then I can handle. I stand on solid ground, and the only way to go is up. I am falling up. Ascending into nothing. Developing another phobia. Another reason to stay inside. Another reason to walk down the street for a bag. Another reason to be scared. I am inside a zoo. The zoo is inside my head and all of the dangerous animals have escaped. They are running in misguided steps. I am fighting. Fighting for my life. This is a battle against insanity. A battle against white crystals. A battle against toxic waist. A battle against sexual subjection and perversion. A battle against dishonesty. A battle against death. This is a battle against everything that I have ever known. A war within myself and with myself alone. This is a dance of death, and it wont end until one of us lays down and kicks the bucket. I see myself changing. A metamorphosis of colors and shapes that shove fear down into my throat. This is fear driven. This change. I am being driven to the edge by fear. I try. It may seem as if I enjoy this ongoing slumber and that my feet are rooted into the ground. It may seem that way. I am moving. Slowly. I am moving onto something magnificent. Is it possible that I am merely a misguided cow that has convinced itself it is something more then a future meal? just a slab. Is that all I am? Maybe if I defile my meat and skin long enough I wont be safe to eat. Maybe I will be left alone If I let myself turn uglier. Turn skinnier. Turn down. Please don’t eat me. don’t kill me. Life is claiming me. Throwing me into the ground. Fertilizer. That is all I am. All you are. All we are. One day I will aid in the process of intoxicating the earth and its soil. One day I will be dirt. I feel so g*****n dirty. Falling up.
July 21, 2010