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One and Simple

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You held my hand tight and stared at me with tears. My throat seemed like hard to breathe. You rubbed my head and whispered “Don’t worry, everything is fine. I will take care of it.” I can’t do anything, but to ascertain everything she said is true.

Remember when I asked you if I ever have fever? You said I had for few days. You said you are afraid to lose me at a young age. You said sorry for letting others to take care of me. I see apprehension in your eyes. You held my hand tight and repeated “Sorry, Sorry, Sorry” between my palm. “Life is hard and we need to work it out. We can‘t look back, but to go forward.” you said “I will never try risk losing my children any more.” You held my hand tight and stared at me with tears. My throat seemed like hard to breathe. You rubbed my head and whispered “Don’t worry, everything is fine. I will take care of it.” I can’t do anything, but to ascertain everything she said is true.

But do you know that I wanted to get sick again? I wanted to see you stay home off from work just one day. I wanted to see how you have taken care of me at home. I want to see how you have worry about me. Do you know I have asked others about their parents? Do you know how I react to what they say about their parent? I want a simple and only thing from you.

Remember when I was an obedient girl? I listened to everyone including you. You said I am too shy to get near people. You said I mostly hide behind you. You said I cry so much like a baby. You said my tears are like an unclose pipe, letting the water flow like a waterfall. You said the earth is full of creepy things and you’ll protect me from it. You held my hand tight and stared at me with tears. My throat seemed like hard to breathe. You rubbed my head and whispered “Don’t worry, everything is fine. I will take care of it.” I can’t do anything, but to ascertain everything she said is true.

But do you know why I‘m not obedient now? Seems like having servileness. Do you know how many times I have cried under the pillow with no sound? You sometimes caught me with my eyes red and you asked me why I have cried. I mostly answered “I was watching a movie, a love story.” Do you know I wanted to end the life in my world? When I’m alone I am pensive. I want a simple and only thing from you.

Remember when cousin, Ivan, moved in and lived with us? I saw Ivan stay in his room most of the time doing nothing, but being lazy. Remember one night “he”, the one I called father, got drunk and tried to kill him? You held my hand tight and stared at me with tears. My throat seemed like hard to breathe. You rubbed my head and whispered “Don’t worry, everything is fine. I will take care of it.” I can’t do anything, but to ascertain everything she said is true.

But do you know how happy I was to have more member of the family live with us? Do you know I have imagine how my life is getting more colorful? When Amy and later Ivan came out from China to live with us, I were excited how life is going to change. But it didn’t because of “him”. “He” got drunk nearly every single day and having bad behavior that I dislike and afraid of. I had wished him to leave us. I had wished him to die. And I want a simple and only thing from you.

Remember when I drove you crazy because I was tardy for school? You kept asking why I have to do this. You said I should know better since I’m 18. You said I could get up early, but was too lazy to stay up. You complained about the situation to most of the family. You somehow always had a plan to stop me from getting into troubles. You said “life is getting better now, but still it’s not good enough.” You held my hand tight and stared at me with tears. My throat seemed like hard to breathe. You rubbed my head and whispered “Don’t worry, everything is fine. I will take care of it.” I can’t do anything, but to ascertain everything she said is true.

But do you know how lonely I was in the big house, even when there were people? You never had the chance to know it because you were always working. I have listened to you and waited for you to come back. I have waited for you to talk more to me like a friend or a mom. I have made food for you to have more time to spend with me. Even with no words. Even just stay together and watch television. I want a simple and only thing from you.

And finally you ask the simple and only thing I have waited for; “How are you? Do you need any help?” touching my forehead to check if I had a fever. But it’s too late mom. It’s too late. I am now more independent. More mature Even though I have waited so long for the question. Even you have cared for me in another way. But it just can’t cover what I have missed in the past. You said what you did is for my own good, but you show in a way that I couldn’t understand that you cared. How could I know when you said nothing? It’s easy for your friends to say what you have done, but the more you done the more simply thing I want from you. A simply care that I could understand; understand that you have cared for me. I might be covetous before, but no more. Right now I just hope you could change your action in the future.





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