I Can't Sleep (part 1)

July 29, 2010
I can’t sleep.

I hate it when I can’t sleep.
All I can do is just lie on my bed in the darkness. Every time I close my eyes, I keep hearing voices, lyrics that have never been sung. Visions pass over my eyes, but these things never turn into dreams.

I turn on my side and look at the wall. I can faintly see it. All I hear is the ticking of my clock and the hum of silence. I close my eyes again. Just darkness, and still no sleep.

I look up at the ceiling. I keep staring. Nothing. I feel a tear trickle down my cheek. I wipe it away. I close my eyes and I see his face. Why? I don’t want to think about this now.

I can’t find the courage to open my eyes. I see him. He smiles and says my name, in that same tone that he always does. Ugh. God, why are you doing this to me!

He takes me to a grand piano. He sits on the bench next to me. I start to play. The lyrics just flow from my mouth. He sits there and patiently listens, and just smiles.

You pushed so hard
For me to give you a chance,
But I stayed guarded.
I’m not one for romance.

But you smiled.
You took my hand
And assured me
Things will be fine.

All I ask is that
You handle it with care
My heart, my love
It’s all I have to share,
So darling please,
Don’t ever lie to me.

I test out the waters.
A sweet peck,
A gentle hug,
And our fingers interlaced.

But you asked for more.
So I gave myself to you;
Tender and passionate moments,
But none of it was true.
All I asked is that
You handled it with care
My heart, my love
It was all I had to share,
So darling why,
Why did you lie to me?

You fed me lies
You poured on the pain
You crushed my heart
What’s left to say?
What’s left to say…

All I ask is that
You handle it with care
My heart, my love
It’s all I have to share,
So darling please,
Don’t ever lie to me.
Don’t ever lie to me.
So darling please,
Don’t ever lie to me.
Don’t ever lie to me…

He puts his arm around my waist and I start to cry into his shoulder. Then I open my eyes. Yeah, those were real tears.

I wipe off my cheeks and turn onto my side. I try again. I close my eyes. There he is; Troy. The sweet-talking, cute, and warm Troy. I just so badly want to erase him from my mind. Whoever said that it was better to love and lost than to have never loved at all obviously doesn’t know what he is talking about.

I look into Troy’s eyes. They make me fall in love with him all over again, every time I see them, yet I ache and hurt whenever I see him. I truly wish love were blind…

I open my eyes and check my cell phone. No texts, missed calls, or voice mails. Its 1:17. I can’t get that song out of my head. It’s never been written or even played, but for some reason it’s sticking with me.

I close my eyes. Troy is looking at me. He half-heartedly smiles at me. He takes my hands. He pulls me close, and whispers in my ear “I’m sorry”.

I roll over in bed.

I let go of his hands and turn my back to him. I go to the piano, sit on the bench and bang the keys. Minor and diminished chords are strung. The pedal keeps the tones ringing. Another me comes and takes police tape that has “HANDLE WITH CARE” written on it and wraps it around the piano and me. Troy comes over and stands by the tape, holding it. He rips it and sits down. I get up and leave.

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