Saving Myself

July 21, 2010
Have you ever felt eyes into you? Like the pressure in the room has exploded, and everyone knows what you have done. They don't actually know. But I do. I have done something horrible. How can I face her when I can't forget about him?
But I still have the strength to look deep into Alexis' eyes, and I see what has been done. I have to undo it. Now. So all I can do is open my mouth and say what must be said. The words that bring up the memories leave a copper taste in my mouth. Shame, in other words.
"I did it." I don't know where I got the strength to tell her. But I also don't know how I had the stupidity to do the unspeakable either. I look up.
"You....what? NO, How?No, Are you serious Janie?" I notice her voice has receded to a whisper throughout the sentence. But she needs to know. I already know I have let her down. All that's left in our friendship is to tell her what she needs to hear, from me, not him.
"We were drunk, and you were at cheerleading camp. He happened. And you know better then anyone else what he's really like. I never thought I would end up," the word slides off my tongue, and I feel like vomiting,"pregnant."
She has taken it all wrong, and I can tell.
"Don't tell me anything about him. I don't want to hear you tell me that I should know what it's like, because I didn't get knocked up with my BEST FRIENDS BOYFRIEND!" Now the effect on her voice is the oppisite. She has never screamed at me like that. I'm so scared. I want to cry, and this hasn't been the first time. I can't cry right now though.
" Alexis, I'm so sorry, and I know you're mad, and you're right;it was all my fault. I should have stayed far away from him, and I'm sorry, I just need a friend right now, more than ever. I don't know what to do! And my parents are too overwhelmed to help. I need you." I have to hold back on the crying so hard, that I can feel my face turning red.
She doesn't know what to say, and I see she can't stand the thought of looking at me the same. I don't disagree with her. This was an awful mistake, but I don't know what to do.
"Why can't you just get an abortion?" She whispers again. I can see she want's all of our lives back to normal. She wants Logan to like her, and be with her without complications.
I look deep into her eyes. I am a petite,thin girl, and she is kind of the opposite. I have to look up at her.
"I can't watch as they cut into me, and kill the baby. It's a human, like you, and me, and-" I can't take it anymore. I feel tears leak out of me." I just can't do it. That's like asking us to do suicide together by hanging each other." My skin crawls at the thought of all of this. It reminds me of how deep and dark my life has become. I used to think this was what happened to slutty girls that forgot condoms and fooled around all of the time. The thing is, Logan and I used a condom. I was on the pill. When my mom said the only real way to prevent teen pregnancy was to not have sex, I wanted to prove her wrong. i'm so stupid.
When I look up again, Alexis' face has softened at the sight of myself breaking down. But only a little.
" I have to go to class." There is something in her face;caught between sympathy, hatred, and something I can't put my finger on.
"Yeah, I should probably go too." Yeah, to the bathroom to collect myself and wipe off my tears. I knew this was never easy. But the conversation is over. And probably our friendship too.

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