First Love

July 28, 2010
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I don't know what I saw in him. He wasn't anything special, just average. Tall, brunette, brown eyes, a cute dusting of freckles across his perfect nose. He made me laugh, but then again, that's not a hard thing to do. He was nice, but so are a lot of guys. He was sensitive, which I guess is rare, I guess. He was also my best friend.

I met him at camp. He was my roomie's boyfriend, so he was my friend by dating. I got his number, texted him every now and then. Nothing special. Big woop. Even though, there was something about him every time I looked at him at camp. Some weird feeling.

He had been a cutter, “emo”. I didn't take it seriously the first time he said it-I figured it was just a stage. But a few months later, when I decided to text all my camp friends, he was still cutting. He wanted to be dead. I couldn't just leave him like I did before.

He lived closer to me than I thought. We hung out-it was interesting. He was really funny, and a really cool guy. I felt that for that one night, I had made him genuinely happy-me, the fat, clumsy, awkward, loud blond with frizzy hair and a big nose. How weird.

I fell in love with him that night, even though I never realized it. It was raining-we both love the rain. He went outside into it, and while I stood under the lights of Barnes and Noble, and he smiled at me in the rain, I got the weirdest feeling. Something changed.

Within a week, we were best friends.

“Sam, I love you, and thank you for saving my life! Don't abandon me, please! Promise me!” Okay, yeah, he sent that amazingly sweet thing in a text, but with the right person, anything is nice. And that started us off as best friends.

I knew from the beginning he liked me. I knew it all along. But I guess I tried to convince myself I was his best friend because, well, I was. Not because he wanted to be my friend more because of the whole liking thing. So I went on in ignorance bliss, and ignored my gut feeling-boy, am I glad I did.

I tried to listen to my gut feeling, tried to be cautious with how much to trust him. But he got upset that I wasn't letting him in completely-he wanted to know everything, even weird stuff like when I was PMS-ing. That made me think he was different, that my gut feeling was wrong, so I trusted him.

Life went on uneventfully, until that giant snow storm. We were trapped in our houses for so long, but we talked all the freakin' time! We'd run out of stuff to talk about, then come up with something else.

At the end of that, we finally got to see each other-it was such a relief. It was a nice night. I felt the love, and I loved it. I knew then, that I was in love with him-and I felt guilty. My best friend? That's not how it works, especially since we hadn't been best friends that long. And already, we were digging each other.

Two days later, the day after Valentine's Day (in which he asked me to be his valentine, and I obviously accepted), he asked me all these bizarre questions. “Do you think there's a difference between loving someone, and being in love with someone?” “What if you love your best friend, but fall in love with them?” Stuff like that. I knew where it was going, and it thrilled me. What an amazing thing to be told!

He was in love with me, and I was in love with him. I didn't see a problem, not a cloud in the sky.

I always told him I wanted my first kiss until marriage-so that day would be even more sacred. But I said a kiss in the rain would be the one and only exception. The next time we hung out, after his confession of being in love with me, it was raining. I couldn't believe it!

My first kiss... It wasn't firework producing, it was in a mall parking lot-but I didn't care. It was perfect to me. The way he held me after he kissed me, the way he stroked my hair-I meant something to him! More than the other girls. He wasn't a man-ho, but he definitely wasn't always the type of guy to find someone he really likes. He would get glimpses of real love before he flipped.

I had my first French kiss that night, too. I loved it, I loved him, I loved everything. This was happening to me, when there are so many other girls-he picked me. Well, he didn't really pick me-you can't help who you fall in love with. And, the best part, my gut feeling was being proved wrong.

But deep down, I knew that night was the night a cloud in the sky appeared.

The next few months were fine. A few tiffs, one mishap because he thought he liked some other girl, but it was just sympathy. So, finally after grueling rehearsal schedules for the show I was in, we finally got to hang out.

I was nervous with showing people I care, I have bad experiences that make it hard for me to open up and show I care. So that night, I was finally ready to act like the clingy, loving girl he wanted. Until he shattered everything with a request of “let's just be friends”. I tried to convince myself he just needed a break, that it was because he didn't wanna lose me as a friend-he even said that that was why.

But I was hurt, and I wanted to cry. The first one I fell in love with was my best friend, and I was no longer good enough for him? If you're not good enough for your best friend, who are you good enough for? I freaked. I needed my girl BFF, and now. I needed to vent to her. But she had money issues, barely any Internet use, and no minutes. So I ended up yelling at Sean-a lot. He was my best friend, but I couldn't cry to him about him! Awkward! So I came up with excuses to be mad and stuff.

I was finally done pushing him away, and finally ready to be a best friend again, when he no longer seemed interested. He seemed so distracted. I got even more upset-it was like I could drop dead in front of him and he wouldn't give a shit!

It hurt-my best friend, my big “brudder”. And he didn't even care about me. I tried to tell him, but I couldn't-and eventually, he was so sick of me he ended the friendship. I moved on, I'm okay, but still. Ouch.

He acted so distant because he had a girlfriend. No other girl? Yeah, mmkay. My gut feeling proved true.

I don't blame him, really, I don't. I know every quirk of his personality.

He freaked because I mattered so much to him romantically, so he made it go away. That made how much I meant to him as a friend very iffy, and made it a sensitive subject. I kept yelling, and it made his care levels go up too high for him to handle. I understand, really. And because he has trust issues (which I knew about), he made himself not care about me, and end the friendship.

It was all because of that kiss. But I don't take it back, it's okay. I would rather hurt, than feel nothing. Because at least I can prove to the world I'm alive and kicking.

I also know he's gonna miss me soon-that's what made him start cutting. He got in a fight with one of the girlfriends that meant something to him, and he ended it-it was just too big of a fight for him. And then he missed her. I dunno if he'll start cutting again, but I know he'll miss me.

I don't wish for a different scenario-I guess that it didn't end, if anything. But, then again, if you're willing to throw away your best friend and your whole freaking friendship that easily, no more chances.. You're not worth it. Friendship is about never having a changed opinion because of a fight, and always trying to understand the other person, and always giving a second chance.

He knew I couldn't open up, and that when I tried to, I would get mad and yell at everyone. Having a girlfriend doesn't give you an excuse to forget some of the most basic stuff about your best friend. My gut feeling was right. And, though I was majorly hurt, I was never surprised. I loved him, he was a cool guy. But there are just some things that could be changed for the better, which goes for everyone.

But hey, you can't help who you fall in love with.





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