I gotta go.

My heart stops.
How could three simple words be packed with so much meaning?

I gotta go
he repeats

I feel him behind me, daring me to turn around and acknowledge his words
urging to me to open up and let the words sink in

I can't, I think
staring out the window, touching the window pane
I just can't seem to will myself to turn around

my hands aren't glued to the sweaty panes,
the water leaking from it clearly gives me leave to let go,
its just so hard, I whisper

letting go feels like giving up,
I cant..i wont..allow myself to do that

looking back at his reflection,
gazing into those green eyes ,I 'am transported to where it all began

sitting on the bed, his arms tightly clinging to my waist,
I turn and nuzzle his chest, inhaling all his sweet and musky warmth that
clearly defines him as man

I wine my arms around him and try to bring him closer,
for just a moment we sit there, completely content in each others arms,
each lost in his or her own thoughts yet still completely comfortable

he starts to tense up and I wonder if I'm holding him too tight,
pulling back, he looks downs at me and says
“there's something I haven't told you yet”

his face is so determined and quite comical,
I would've laughed if I had not sensed his seriousness
“oh no” I think. “what has happened?”
smoothing the worry lines from my face,
inhaling deeply, he splutters out
“I've decided to enlist in the Navy”

mouth dropping,
eyes bulging,
heart stopping,
I cry.

Beating his chest,
thrashing around,
all I can do cry

I cry because I' m losing him,
I cry because he is leaving,
I cry because his essence is connected to me,
I know then that happiness has just left this room

WHY! I scream
why? What have I done? Why are you tearing us apart!
I thought you loved me, I sob.
What happened to you promising to love me? I whisper on a choking sob.

Grabbing me, shaking my shoulders, he exclaims
“look at me! Look at me teresa!” of course I love you,
of course I love you darling, he whispers while rocking me

back and forth I go,
him repeating those same words to me,
feeling new drops of moistness touch my head,
I look up.
He's crying.

Why? I repeat

he states,
we cant continue on this way,
I have no job, no money, the kids arent safe
im sorry, but
I gotta do what I gotta do

and what about me?
Do I have no say?
What can I do to make you stay!
I need you!, dont you understand?.
I'm going to miss you so much,
oh goddess how I love you! I cry.

Like a mantra, shaking my I chant
This cant be happening,
this just can't be happening

teresa, listen, it is baby,
I'm not doing this to hurt you,
I love you with everything in me,
I dont want to leave but I also dont want you to live this way because of me
your my world sweetheart

lifting my head,gazing into those green eyes,
he whispers,
“I'll always come back to you”

shocked as if I was jolted awake,
I look up and remember where I' am,
staring at the window pane, fingers gently caressing the drops,
I turn to john,
a sad little smile playing on my face, a yearning deep within my heart,
I realize what I must do.
I will be strong!, I think

“i gotta go” he says
tilting my head to the side, I say
“Okay”

one simple words,
ordinarily used as a simple statement
yet today,
imbued with so much more