Words unspoken

“Are you ok?” mom asked as I walk in the house, and all I could do is shake my head as I head to my room. I don’t want to deal with her, not now, not today. Not for quite a while if I could help it. How could he go away? It wasn’t time to go, not at all. My heart felt like someone ripped it out and stepped on it.

How could I be alright after what had happened? How could I forgive myself for letting him go? No, I couldn’t. I was supposed to be there, I wasn’t supposed to leave. I broke my promise, and now I was broken. There was no soul left in my body.

Three days passed, three days of locking myself in my room and laying still in my bed because I cried my body dry of tears. Three days of mom and Jason coming into my room and begging me to eat, “just one bite”. I was a prisoner in my own body, unwilling to even try to escape.

I heard Jason come over every morning at the crack of dawn, ask mom how I was doing. I heard their soft concerned whispers as they discussed how I slept, if I had eaten. That lasted about fifteen minutes before one of them would come and offer me food. I couldn’t eat. They’d retreat back to the living room and listen to a random show on television at low volume. Mom would make lunch after a few hours, then dinner another few hours later. Around midnight, Jason would go home only to return the next morning after he and mom attempted to sleep.

At the end of the three days, mom came into my room to inform me of the funeral – yours. I got up with the help of Jason and got dressed in the only black dress I owned. Jason found me some sunglasses so nobody would see the dark circles under my eyes. The drive to the cemetery took too long, and there were too many people.

I saw the casket as we walked to the graveside and knees buckled. I didn’t realize caskets came in the size for six-year-olds. Jason was right there to catch me, you always said he was a great boyfriend. Who knew six-year-olds were so smart? You could quote star wars like nobody else I knew, even Jason.

I was an idiot for choosing to go with friends over spending time with you . I should’ve told you to come with us, or stayed with you. I should’ve told you how much I loved you, you were my favorite little kid to babysit, you were like a baby brother to me. You meant the world to me. Maybe if I had told you everything, you wouldn’t have played by yourself and got hit by a car. I wish I would’ve said it why you were standing here. Now I stand alone.





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