Moments of Selfloathing

June 27, 2010
By , Howell, MI
"Today was the last straw, the one straw that broke the camel's back.
I've realized that there are just somethings that don't come around in life and that I just have to take life as it is and learn to appreciate it.

But from some reason I can't. There is always that shred of hope or the yearning for something to come that I've wished for. Maybe that's what drives me. Maybe, that is what has been keeping me trucking all these years.

And yet, it hurts. Yearning for years upon end, for something that may never happen, gets tiresome and troublesome. There are times when I just want to break down into tears and weep for the rest of time, and sometimes I do tear up at the thought of what I've become. I weep for the things and people I have lost, for the times that could have been memorable, but weren't because I was childish and completely selfish; for things that may never come.

I've come to realize that once you get down to it, I'm disgusted with myself, with my whole being. That can't be good, now can it? Many people will read this and think, "Well that's a no brainer, just change yourself to who you want to be.." You see, it's not that easy. Some may think it is, but in all fairness it takes enormous amounts of will power and self confidence,in which both categories I lack a great deal of.

To be plain, I'm tired of being the fat best friend, the obnoxious underclassmen, the closed-minded, idiotic, loud girl, that everyone knows.

You may read this and agree, or be completely shocked that I would ever think such a thing, but this is how I feel. Please do not tell my I'm wrong in thinking this, either.

There are things in life that just weigh you down, break you down, until you just can't take it anymore."





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