Runaway | Teen Ink

Runaway

June 22, 2010
By iluvnacho PLATINUM, Somewhere, Colorado
iluvnacho PLATINUM, Somewhere, Colorado
28 articles 1 photo 67 comments

Favorite Quote:
\"Find the beauty in the ugly\"-Jason Mraz 5-19-10
\"Be kinder than nessicary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.\" Unknown 11-29-10


I look out the window, the sun a fried egg yolk rising above the mountains. I squint in the bright light, silently sighing.
I honestly don't belong here. I don't fit in with a bunch of runaways squished together in the back of an old square-shaped mini van. It spells like pot and alchohol in here, plus the carpet is a very ugly shade of green. I finger my backpack, focusing on a piece of string emerging from the front. To get caught staring at someone is too risky for me. These people are strangers, therefore, I don't know what they're capable of.
"Hey, you," A rough voice calls out to me. I glance up to see a girl scrutinizing me. I look back down, the blood flushing my face in fear."I said hey!" She says a little more loudly. I cautiously meet eye contact with the girl, quickly taking in her appearance. She has dirt blonde hair in heaps of curls pulled back in a sloppy bun. Above her lip is a Marlyn Monroe piercing, glinting in the sunlight. More earings are pinched in her ears and I notice a tattoo scrawled across the top of her right hand, along with a fried cigaratte."You don't look so badass to me, cupcake." She states, exhaling a ring of smoke in the van. I fight the urge to scrunch up my nose. A brunette next to me snickers."My name is Rae. What's yours? Unless you want me to call you cupcake,cupcake." Rae taunts, smiling a grin of perfect white teeth. I keep eye contact with her, shrugging.
"Kaytee." I mumble. I let my eyes fall to the disgusting carpet, somewhat atiminated by Rae. She seems to notice.
"Listin kid, I'm not going to eat you. Do ya know who's driving this thing? I'm kinda baked right now." Rae asks, souding a bit softer. I look back at her red-rimmed glazed green eyes, shaking my head no. She heaves a sigh, frustrated. "You don't seem to talk much, but hey, I can respect that....Kaytee."Rae says my name, unsure of how it feels coming out of her mouth."What do ya say, Ally? Shoule we add cupcake to our little group of ours?" The brunette next to me gives me a face. Unexpectedly, she punches me in the arm. I wince, the fear beginning to engulf me.
"Sure," Ally laughs. I roll my eyes. It doesn't change anything. I still don't belong here.



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This article has 10 comments.


on Jan. 16 2012 at 8:54 am
dolphinportkey7 GOLD, D, Other
12 articles 0 photos 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Because I knew you, I have been changed for good" AND "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"

Oooh, I wonder why she could be on the run. Very excellent job, Nacho. ^_^ I might add one line that hints at why she might be on the run, though, although I can totally see the benefits of not doing that. Is this why Rae popped up in the Avatar RP all of a sudden? ;) I also like the contrast between the innocent Kaytee and this Rae person; it's very poetic.

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Sep. 13 2010 at 6:17 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 606 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

The good: This was unique, fun, and mysterious.  Good job!

The bad:  You have a few errors, so you may want to proofread it some more.  Also, it would be easier to read if you indented paragraphs, and worked on the general flow of the sentences.  It is still very good, it just reads a bit like you were excited to post it, and rushed the proofreading part. :)

The random:  I'm glad there are more parts - you did a good job and I really liked it!


on Aug. 13 2010 at 12:36 am
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

I'm glad you said that! I didn't want you to think I was being mean and never ask me to read your stuff again! That would be aweful!

on Aug. 13 2010 at 12:05 am
iluvnacho PLATINUM, Somewhere, Colorado
28 articles 1 photo 67 comments

Favorite Quote:
\"Find the beauty in the ugly\"-Jason Mraz 5-19-10
\"Be kinder than nessicary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.\" Unknown 11-29-10

thank you so much! You are a very kind critique....i think i spelled that right.

on Aug. 12 2010 at 11:55 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

I love the fried egg yolk sun simile. Very unique. Not to sound mean, but you're using words that sound awkward in your sentences occasionally, but, everyone wants to use big words, so it's understandable. Just think through all of they synonyms you can think of when you get stuck and give them each a turn in your sentence. Sometimes you discover that the simplest of words make the most intricate of sentences. The way the story was narrated was also very good. Sometimes first person narrations makes kids seem like they're trying too hard to be old, or they're really just creepy old writers in their fourties trying to seem cool. Yours makes sense. Overall, very nice! I'm looking forward to going onto part two!

on Jul. 12 2010 at 10:23 am
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

I really like this, especially the fried egg yolk, your writing makes me jealous

on Jul. 12 2010 at 9:19 am
sleeplessdreamer PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
30 articles 0 photos 332 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I have always wanted to write in such a way that people say, 'I have always thought that but never found the words for it.'" -anonymous

I like it. Especially the figurative language in the first sentence... really drew me into your piece. Part of me wishes there was a little more story to your story. It sounds more like the beginning of a novel. Love your descriptions though. Thanks for checking out my thread.

dinosaurXkid said...
on Jul. 3 2010 at 11:49 pm
dinosaurXkid, Westminister, Colorado
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't cry over split white milk, only if its chocolate.

i love it I love all your work......you make me jealous!!!!! love&rockets-moomoo's

on Jun. 30 2010 at 3:57 am
iluvnacho PLATINUM, Somewhere, Colorado
28 articles 1 photo 67 comments

Favorite Quote:
\"Find the beauty in the ugly\"-Jason Mraz 5-19-10
\"Be kinder than nessicary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.\" Unknown 11-29-10

Thank you soo much! I wasn't really thinking of anything when I wrote this, but I'll work on a plot. Thank you so much. Encouagement is greatly apprciated.

on Jun. 29 2010 at 9:07 pm
waiting_to_be_found GOLD, Conifer, Colorado
10 articles 1 photo 73 comments
Hey, really nice piece, I really enjoyed it. :) Keep writing! This was good, and I think you should add another part to it :)