June 22, 2010
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I look out the window, the sun a fried egg yolk rising above the mountains. I squint in the bright light, silently sighing.
I honestly don't belong here. I don't fit in with a bunch of runaways squished together in the back of an old square-shaped mini van. It spells like pot and alchohol in here, plus the carpet is a very ugly shade of green. I finger my backpack, focusing on a piece of string emerging from the front. To get caught staring at someone is too risky for me. These people are strangers, therefore, I don't know what they're capable of.
"Hey, you," A rough voice calls out to me. I glance up to see a girl scrutinizing me. I look back down, the blood flushing my face in fear."I said hey!" She says a little more loudly. I cautiously meet eye contact with the girl, quickly taking in her appearance. She has dirt blonde hair in heaps of curls pulled back in a sloppy bun. Above her lip is a Marlyn Monroe piercing, glinting in the sunlight. More earings are pinched in her ears and I notice a tattoo scrawled across the top of her right hand, along with a fried cigaratte."You don't look so badass to me, cupcake." She states, exhaling a ring of smoke in the van. I fight the urge to scrunch up my nose. A brunette next to me snickers."My name is Rae. What's yours? Unless you want me to call you cupcake,cupcake." Rae taunts, smiling a grin of perfect white teeth. I keep eye contact with her, shrugging.
"Kaytee." I mumble. I let my eyes fall to the disgusting carpet, somewhat atiminated by Rae. She seems to notice.
"Listin kid, I'm not going to eat you. Do ya know who's driving this thing? I'm kinda baked right now." Rae asks, souding a bit softer. I look back at her red-rimmed glazed green eyes, shaking my head no. She heaves a sigh, frustrated. "You don't seem to talk much, but hey, I can respect that....Kaytee."Rae says my name, unsure of how it feels coming out of her mouth."What do ya say, Ally? Shoule we add cupcake to our little group of ours?" The brunette next to me gives me a face. Unexpectedly, she punches me in the arm. I wince, the fear beginning to engulf me.
"Sure," Ally laughs. I roll my eyes. It doesn't change anything. I still don't belong here.

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dolphinportkey7 said...
Jan. 16, 2012 at 8:54 am
Oooh, I wonder why she could be on the run. Very excellent job, Nacho. ^_^ I might add one line that hints at why she might be on the run, though, although I can totally see the benefits of not doing that. Is this why Rae popped up in the Avatar RP all of a sudden? ;) I also like the contrast between the innocent Kaytee and this Rae person; it's very poetic.
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 13, 2010 at 6:17 pm

The good: This was unique, fun, and mysterious.  Good job!

The bad:  You have a few errors, so you may want to proofread it some more.  Also, it would be easier to read if you indented paragraphs, and worked on the general flow of the sentences.  It is still very good, it just reads a bit like you were excited to post it, and rushed the proofreading part. :)

The random:  I'm glad there are more parts - you did a good job and I really liked it!

squidzinkpen said...
Aug. 12, 2010 at 11:55 pm
I love the fried egg yolk sun simile. Very unique. Not to sound mean, but you're using words that sound awkward in your sentences occasionally, but, everyone wants to use big words, so it's understandable. Just think through all of they synonyms you can think of when you get stuck and give them each a turn in your sentence. Sometimes you discover that the simplest of words make the most intricate of sentences. The way the story was narrated was also very good. Sometimes first person narrations m... (more »)
iluvnacho replied...
Aug. 13, 2010 at 12:05 am
thank you so much! You are a very kind critique....i think i spelled that right.
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 13, 2010 at 12:36 am
I'm glad you said that! I didn't want you to think I was being mean and never ask me to read your stuff again! That would be aweful!
Inherinerd said...
Jul. 12, 2010 at 10:23 am
I really like this, especially the fried egg yolk, your writing makes me jealous
sleeplessdreamer said...
Jul. 12, 2010 at 9:19 am
I like it. Especially the figurative language in the first sentence... really drew me into your piece. Part of me wishes there was a little more story to your story. It sounds more like the beginning of a novel. Love your descriptions though. Thanks for checking out my thread.
dinosaurXkid said...
Jul. 3, 2010 at 11:49 pm
i love it I love all your make me jealous!!!!! love&rockets-moomoo's
waiting_to_be_found said...
Jun. 29, 2010 at 9:07 pm
Hey, really nice piece, I really enjoyed it. :) Keep writing! This was good, and I think you should add another part to it :)
iluvnacho replied...
Jun. 30, 2010 at 3:57 am
Thank you soo much! I wasn't really thinking of anything when I wrote this, but I'll work on a plot. Thank you so much. Encouagement is greatly apprciated.
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