As I die

“Johnny! ...” Right as my father uttered my name he also emptied his stomach. I don't remember a single moment that I was happy. As I walk home on a pouring day I look up and wonder if my life could be any better. The rain melts my face into a black blob. My make goes from around my eyes to my mouth and starts to drip from my chin. When I walked into my run down home the first thing I hear is “Johnny boy, your home” My father slurs over every word. He is drunk again. I go to greet my intoxicated father. By the time I get to the living room he is already passed out. I could feel ,y cheeks starting to burst with blood. I trudged of to my room and made a bee line to my razor. I could hear my father grumbling right before I did it. The blade slices deeply into my skin, leaving a trail of sour useless blood behind. What use am I to this world I'm just a sad sack of s**t dragging myself through never ending days. At the next day of school I see something that makes my cold decrepit heart start back up. Her eyes are a dazzling green, peering into the emptiness of my soul. “Hi, I'm Julia” her voice is like a chorus of angels.

“Uhhhh....” Now if you took one look at me I don't look as pathetic as I am. This must be why she chose to approach me.



After a few days of us really getting along I decided that my best choice was to ask her out. Being the socially awkward kid that I was, I didn't do so well.
“Do you want to go out sometime.” I choked. And as the words fell from my mouth I could see a look of confusion grow on her face, I could never forget that gut wrenching look. I obviously didn't understand this angel because the only thing I heard was “sure.” Th sweetest thing I have ever heard. My heart skipped a beat. And as she stared into my eyes u felt something I haven't felt since before my mother died, happiness. And for the first time in 2 years, I smiled. She must have thought I was a freak because for five minutes I sat there with that stupid grin on my face.


When I got home I realized I had stepped from heaven to hell. “Johnny, get your a** in here!” he hollered. For once I was hoping that he would pass out. As soon as I stepped into the kitchen I was smacked in the face by my intoxicated father. I staggered back and received the second blow that sent me to the floor. Warm tears flowed down my face. When I tried to stand back up, he pushed me into the wall. I scurried away from him and he chased after me . I decided the only way to get away was to fight back. I turned and punched him in his beerbelly of a stomach, relinquishing every once of whiskey from his stomach. I turned and ran, never looking back at what would later turn into my own personal spike into the depths of hell where my shallow soul would forever lay. I looked for somewhere to go, the first place that came to mind was the only friend that I ever had, Sean.


I pounded on his door, only to be answered by his mother. “Oh my god John! What happened?!” she uttered I hadn't seen my face but by her reaction I could tell it was hideous.

“my father...” I couldn't finish the sentence without breaking down into tears.

“oh lord, well you can stay as long as you want. Sean! Come down stairs!” Sean spends most of his day destroying young children in mediocre video games, so he was very pale and was quite heavy. He was not a social butterfly either. As he trudged down stairs I understood the true severity of my injuries when I saw the look on Sean's face. Sean had seen decapitation of zombies millions of times and mutilated corpses more, so the shock from his face said it all. I went into the bathroom to clean myself up and when I looked in the mirror tears of blood were dripping from my face. I could never go back to that drunken idiot. I slept over for the night expecting Julia to cheer me up the next morning. She was awestruck by my wounds. “John what happened!?” I thought that I would have the strength to tell her.
“My father beat me.” Sobs came between every word. She pulled me aside and I told her everything. About my mother and father. About how my mother died in a car crush because some idiot decided to drive while he was on drugs. How my father was a raging alcoholic and has been since she died. And all she could do was sit there with me breaking down in her arms. At the end of this dramatic ordeal she said the only phrase that I haven't heard since my mother died
“I love you.”


The next day I decided that if she loved me then she would understand that I slit my wrists. I passed her in the hall and said “I need to talk to you after school.” I got a nod and our day resumed. After school she approached me “You wanted to talk to me ?” Her hands were shaking and she had a look of nervousness on her face.
“i need to show you something” I lifted my ever moving sleeves and a look of terror slammed onto her face leaving my heart spiraling into a black abyss.
“ I don't think I can handle this.” My heart stopped. No tears ran from my face. This pain was worse than the deepest cut from my razor. My eyes were closed and I figured that the rest of the day with my alcoholic father was less painful than going through “closure.”


I arrived home to find my father passed out on the couch. I went up to my room and grabbed my razor. I help it above my skin for at least two minutes. All my agonies had past before my eyes. I slammed the blade in and dragged it across my skin but I felt to pain. My wrist was wide open but I felt no pain. I didn't want to be on this dreadful of and earth anymore. What was left for my life. I'm a junior, I'm failing every class. The only girl that's ever loved me has dumped me. My mothers dead and my father is an alcoholic. On top of all of that I'm a social outcast. I started to tie the noose. One loop after another. I decided that the best place to do it was in the front hall with the door open, so then someone will find me quickly. I went downstairs and grabbed a chair. I got dizzier and dizzier as I walked to the hall. Stepping up on the chair, I knotted the rope on an overhanging piece of wood. I looked down and put the noose around my throat. Warm tears started to roll down my face. And right as I was about to step off, Julia walked in.





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