364 Left.

June 12, 2010
By , Vancouver, WA
One week left.
The Seniors had their assembly.
All goodbye hugging, teary eyes.
Friends look at me and say, "Next year, this will be us."
Yes, in 364 days, on a sunny Saturday in June, this will be us.
Excitement for everything that lies ahead. New adventures. The beginning of life.
Excitement. Anxiety?

I go home, he comes over.
I have always been indifferent.
But now I can hear them.
It is disgusting and I want to cry.
She finds them online, meets them, and brings them over.
I am not a prude. I still don’t want to hear my mom and him having sex though.
And sometimes I feel sorry for myself and I want to cry.
No, I wont cry.
I always criticize myself, “There are so many people out there with problems worse than mine.”
Does this even count as a problem?
Maybe I’m ridiculous.
Maybe I just need to “suck it up”.

But is it wrong for me to want something better than this?
This isn’t the life I thought I would have when I was young.
I played restaurant with bunny rabbits and stuffed turtles.
But this is not that life.

I was going to watch the World Cup tonight.
All excitement, bright lights, red and green warrior paint cheeks.
But I don’t feel safe leaving my room right now.
I can hear them.
I feel disgusted.
Within my room there is sanity, reason.
Things are normal in here. Safe in here.
Beyond the constraints of my room, things feel surreal.
I can hear them.
I never thought it would come to this.
This is not the life I wanted.

I don’t think I will be able to live with my mom when I graduate.
We always talk about how I’m going to stay at home when I go to college.
But I’m not sure I can do this.
I can hear them.
I need to get out of here.

And yet I feel doomed.
To follow in my parent’s footsteps.
This is not what I want.
Yet I have this horrible feeling that this is what I will amount to.
My gut constricts. I feel caught.
Reinventing the wheel.
I want to cry but I wont.

I can still hear them.

And somehow, compared to this, high school seems like a haven.
We had Senior assembly today.
I don’t want my day to come.
I feel the clock ticking towards new beginnings, adventures, experience.
But I do not want my day to come.
Like an hourglass eating away my safety net. My metal shield.
The buffer from the realities of life.

Can I stay in high school forever?
I would sit through classes.
I would listen to ignorant people spout their ignorant comments.
I would deal with drama.
I would deal with sadness.

Anything to face this reality.
This is not what I wanted.

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