Am I Strong Enough?

May 22, 2010
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I stared at the empty family size chips bag in front of me. I had done it again, I had broken the diet, and I had let myself down. “Why does this always happen to me? Why can’t I just stay with the diet?” “Well I guess it’s alright, I mean it’s only one bag of chips.” I spent about fifteen minutes trying to trick myself into thinking that it was ok that I had broken the diet, just to make myself feel less guilty. I looked around. The television was on; there was an empty chips bag, and an empty 2 liter soda bottle. There were crumbs everywhere. I tried to get up from the couch. At first I thought that I could just hop off the couch, and run straight to the kitchen, because after all I am only 28 years old. However, then it struck me, that I was 270 pounds, and it wasn’t normal, and healthy for a 28 year old to weigh this much, so I slumped back on the couch, and sank deep into pillows.

At last, I got up, and walked to the kitchen. I went to the trash can, to throw away the empty bottle, and empty chips bag, I felt too lazy to go to the basement, and throw away my soda bottle in the recycling bin. When my only motive was to throw away my trash, I started to open the cabinets in search of more snacks. “After those salty, crisp, addicting chips, I really want some sweets, preferably cake with a nice glossy coating of chocolate icing, with fudge in the middle.” Just when I was about to take a big bite of the cake, I asked myself, “Should I really be eating this, but its only one bite of cake. And I do need to take the taste of the chips away with some sweets.” “But no, I will not eat this, it is against my diet, and it is only for my good, if I do not eat this cake, and follow my diet.” “I am not a weak person, I graduated from one of the top schools, and I have a successful career. I should be able to control this weakness.”

I dropped the fork down, this time it was spotless. I hadn’t eaten the cake. Until the next challenge, I am the winner for this round. But I am still thinking about that delicious cake. I turned around toward the cake again; it was on a plate, with hot fudge and caramel all over it. It seemed as if it was waiting for me to go and eat it all up! It seemed as if everything else blurred up, and the only clear image I was able to see was the cake. So I asked myself, “Am I the winner, or am I just the loser like always in my diet?” After fifteen minutes, I decided to put the cake in the trash can, and I emptied everything that was in my refrigerator and cabinets, that were to break my diet. For every single piece of junk food, I hesitated whether I should throw it away, or eat it there and then.

Then I burst into tears. I did not know why I was crying. “Am I crying because whenever it comes to my diet I am a weak person or that I wasted all that delicious junk food?” “I am not a person like this. I am a person that can have a clear idea on things; however when it comes to food and my diet, I always seem to not know what to do.” Tears rolled down my cheeks to my chin. I hadn’t cried like this since my grandmother had died. “See how much you cry for food! You are just this insecure person that over estimates herself!”

I headed over to the couch, just then I saw the tread mill from the corner of my eye. I thought “Why not exercise while eating what I want?!” I got a bag of pita chips, and put on my tennis shoes. I went to the tread mill, and started it off real slow. “Hey this isn’t so bad, I mean I get to eat my pita chips, exercise and lose weight, and it’s not at all tiring.” I stayed that way for four minutes, when I realized I had already gone through a bag of pita chips. I stared inside the bag, little crumbs and pieces of seasoning were all over the inside. I dropped the pita bag, and stopped the tread mill. “I gained as much calories as I burned, maybe I burned even less than I gained!” This time, I gave up, actually gave up. But as they say, endings lead to new beginnings. So I thought, “Maybe this is a sign that I should start over, and try my best this time.”

I walked slowly to the living room, I cleaned everything up. I had already cleaned my cabinets out, and now that I have cleaned the living room, it all seemed like a new beginning. I was excited, really excited! But then I thought, “This isn’t something that can happen in one day.” So I slumped back on the couch. It seemed as if I wanted everything to happen so quickly, for me to be able to believe that I could lose weight, for me to actually lose weight. What I needed to do was to be patient, but it is just so hard! “I just wish that I would have never been like this, I wish that I was a healthy 28 year old woman!”

Then it struck me, I was only 28 years old, I had a long life ahead of me. I shouldn’t just let this take over my life. It’s time to start over, to forget about the past, and to start on a clean, new path. I get up, and get a piece of paper. I am going to make a contract with myself. After all, as a lawyer, I believe strongly in this kind of promise.

I have signed my name. It’s time for a new start. “I’m ready as ever!”

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