What There is to Hold

April 19, 2010
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Cameron walked down the halls slowly looking at her feet as she shuffled along. She kept her head down, not looking up once as she walked through the sea of preppy kids and lockers before finding her own, at the end of the hall where she had privacy. She opened up the locker and saw her poster of Edward Cullen and touched a black polished finger up to his face. Why couldn’t anyone be like him? She wondered as she got her books. One of them slipped from her grasp and hit her in the arm.
“Uh!” She screamed as the book’s sharp corner hit her long, red cut on her arm. She rolled up her black sleeve and looked at it. She stared at the large liaison on her arm. She toughened up before rolling her sleeve back down and walking slowly to class.
“Hey,” Garth, her boyfriend, said to her as she walked into class. She had only one friend, Garth. No one else liked her, and she liked no one else.
“Hey,” she said back. Looking up quickly before getting back to the picture of Edward Cullen she was drawing on her notebook.
“Are you eating lunch today?” Garth asked, he, also emo, didn’t eat very often. She didn’t either, not because she thought she was fat, but because she just was never hungry.
“I guess,” she said. “Are you?”
“No,” he said. “I ate dinner last night. I’m still throwing up from that.” He was bulimic. She loved him for that.
“Yeah, I think I might have a couple pieces of lettuce, but nothing major,” she said. She smiled, he was the only one who could do that to her; the smiling thing.
“Yeah, good idea,” he said reminding her she hasn’t eaten since Wednesday. It was now Monday.
“I’ve lost ten pounds this month,” she said proud of herself and her small figure. The only things big on her were her boobs, which Garth did not complain about. Before she knew it the bell rang. How long had she been talking to Garth?
It was lunch. Yes! No more annoying teachers, well until 6th period anyway.
“Hi B****,” Garth said putting his arm around her. “You smell like Hot Topic.” He said taking a deep breath in, sticking his nose into her dyed hair.
“Hey,” she said kissing him, turning into his chest to cuddle next to his warm chains.
“Mm,” he moaned. “I love when you do that.”
“Let’s skip lunch,” she said ignoring her hungry pains. “Let’s go to the reading room.” Garth knew what that meant. The reading room was the small room in the library that held make outs and even sex, sometimes. Cameron was still a virgin. For now.
They fell onto the pillows in the reading room, laughing. This was so unlike Cameron, she never laughed or smiled. But with Garth, she was different. She lit up and became the person she was, the person she was before. Before her mother killed herself. Before her father became a convicted killer. Before her sister moved to North Carolina to be a Born Again Christian. Enough of that! She said to herself.
“You OK?” Garth asked, noticing she had become distant.
“Yeah,” she said smiling behind her black lipstick and purple eye shadow. “I’m fine.”
“Good,” he said kissing her. “Let’s have a little fun back here.” By fun, he didn’t mean sex or kissing. He meant taking out all the encyclopedias and throwing them!
“OK!” She said standing up. He grabbed her waist and pulled her down. “Hey!” She said.
“Not that kind of fun,” he said getting quiet and kissing her. OK, so it did mean kissing this time. Whatever. She was OK with it.
“Garth,” she said pulling away. “Garth!” She was getting upset. Wasn’t she more than a machine?
“What?” he asked looking upset. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to kiss anymore,” she said. “I’m getting tired. I haven’t eaten in five days.” She reminded him. He sighed and shook his head.
“OK,” he said flopping back on a pillow. She lay down on his chest. “I, um, I.”
“What?” she asked getting skeptical. Was he breaking up with her?
“I love you,” he said in a single breath. Nope.
“Oh my G-d!” She said getting excited her voice jumping up an octave. “Really?” No had ever said that to her! “I love you too!” She said jumping up and down.
“Oh good!” He said in relief. “I was worried you would say no.” Why would she? Love was something she welcomed, but foreign. Her parents never said they loved her, and she really believed they didn’t.
“Well, I’m say yes,” she said turning to face him. “I love you.” She kissed him. Now she wanted to kiss him.
“Wait,” he said. “I thought you didn’t want to kiss anymore.”
“Well, girls change their minds a lot,” she said kissing him.
“Works for me,” he said kissing her.
They kissed for another three hours, ignoring the bell ringing and there last two classes. They didn’t care. After school, well after they were done kissing in the reading room, they walked home together.
“So, what do you want to do when we get home?” Cameron asked pretending not to be hinting to anything.
“Cut ourselves?” Garth asked. She never knew he cut himself. She loved him even more now that they could share something else!
“OK!” She said. She jumped at any chance to cut herself. She found it relaxing.
“After that?” He asked. He was hinting at it now.
“We can write dark poetry then draw blood pictures on each other,” she said suggesting things different than what he and she wanted.
“Well, OK,” he said scratching his head. “This new dye is giving me dandruff.” He laughed; he was so out there, she loved it!
“Garth,” she stopped. “Do you want to have sex?”
He stopped, ”Do you want to?”
“I don’t know,” she said. She really didn’t. She wasn’t sure if she should yet or she should wait. She was only 15, but she loved Garth.
“Yeah,” Garth said lying a little. “I don’t know, I mean I want to. But I don’t want to rush anything, especially if you’re not sure.”
“Yeah,” she said looking at the ground. She wasn’t sure what to do. “You’re not gonna pressure me, are you?” Garth stopped abruptly.
“I would never do that, Cameron,” he said seriously. “Ever. I mean it.”
“OK,” she said smiling and kissing him. “Good.”
When they got home they ran straight to the bathroom.
“I get the good razor,” Cameron said running through the winding halls of her house.
“That’s not fair,” Garth said breathlessly trying to catch up with her. “You always get the good one.”
“It’s because I bought them,” she said ramming open the bathroom door. “Got it!” She said victoriously as she grabbed the “good” razor. “Haha.” She said kissing Garth.
“I hate you,” he said panting picking up the other razor. “Mm.” he said biting his lip at the razor tearing through his skin. He wasn’t used to it. He starved himself; he didn’t normally cut himself.
“Hurts?” She said wincing. “I’m fine.”
“No, I’m OK,” he said tearing up.
“Ow,” she said screaming. That was a bit more painful than she had expected.
“You’re fine?” He asked laughing a little.
“Let’s stop,” she said looking at her arm that was bleeding profusely.
Garth was surprised; she never asked to stop cutting herself. He looked over her shoulder and saw how much she was bleeding. He threw his razor and grabbed a towel. He kneeled next to her.
“Cam, are you OK?” He asked dabbing her arm with the towel.
“Yeah,” she said through the shooting pain through her arm. “I’m fine.”
“Come on,” he said leading her into another room. “Lie down.”
“Thanks,” she said putting her feet up. “I think it stopped.” She removed the towel from her and arm and noticed it the bleeding was slowing.
“Next time, be more careful,” Garth said. “You nearly gave me a heart attack.” He really loved her. She laughed. She liked the fact he cared.
“Let’s go take a shower and wash off your arm,” Garth said getting up from the couch. They took showers together all the time, but now that sex was an option, she wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. “I’ll go to the bathroom first!” Garth called from the other side of the house.
I’ll have to take my chances. Cameron thought.
Cameron got off the couch and went to her bedroom. Five minutes later she padded down the hall and opened the bathroom door.
“Cameron?” Garth called coyly.
“That’s the name I was given,” Cameron says giggling as she steps into the shower.
“Wow,” Garth said putting his hands on her waist. “You look hot.”
“I’m kind of cold,” she said turning around so her back was facing the water. “Now I’m hot.” She was good at being sarcastic.
“You don’t look half bad yourself,” she said touching Garth’s arm. He may have been skinny, but he was really hot.
“Well, I have never met anyone as hot as you,” Garth said tilting his head and kissing her. She began lowering to the bottom of the bathtub.
“Cameron-“ She cut him off.
“Relax,” she said easing him onto the bathtub floor. He kissed her. She lay back.
He moved forward and twisted his body to lie on her; he kissed her again.
“Cameron,” he said trying to find the words to describe his feelings. “I love you.” Was all he could come up with.
“I love you too,” she said closing her eyes.
The water made the whole bathroom fog up, but all they could see was each other. Nothing else mattered. No one else cared. Because they were the only ones there.
“Cameron?” Garth asked. She opened her eyes. Where was she?
“Garth,” she said. “What’s wrong?”
“You fell asleep,” he said. “In the shower.” The shower. Now she remembered. She had sex with Garth.
“Oh,” she said sitting up strenuously. “When?”
“Five minutes in,” he said laughing. “You should eat.” He got of the bed and walked across the room. She watched him take out clothes from her dresser and throw them at her.
“But,” she wasn’t hungry. “I just want to sleep.”
“Well, you only weigh 90 pounds,” he said. “And you’re five ft. four.” Was she that skinny now? “I think you should eat.”
“OK,” she said sadly. She got out of bed. She put on a black pair of stretch pants and a bra and went to eat whatever shit they had in the house.
“Here you go,” Garth said giving her a plate of some s*** that he had cooked for her. He was wearing boxers and a red and black arm warmer.
“Thanks,” she said sliding into the table.
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“I’m not hungry,” she demanded. Though she was, she just didn’t have appetite.
“Well, you will be after you eat this,” he said. “It’s good, try it.”
“Fine,” she said sticking her fork angrily into the nasty grub on her plate.
“Do you like it?” He asked. She shook her head.
“I’m going to bed,” she said getting up from the table.
“Cam, come on, please,” Garth begged. “I just want you to eat.”
“Get off my case, Garth,” she snapped. “I’m not the one who’s bulimic.” He was taken aback.
“Fine,” he said taking her plate. “Don’t eat, what do I care?” What did he care? If he loved her, he’d care.
“I thought you loved me,” she called after him. He stopped and turned around. He softened.
“I do,” he said coming back to the table. “I just hate seeing you so skinny.”
“I’m emo,” she said. “I hate myself, I’m supposed to starve. You do it.” He considered that for a second.
“Don’t,” he said. “I do it, but that doesn’t mean you should. You shouldn’t hate yourself.”
“Why?” she said. She didn’t even tear up anymore. “My mother killed herself because she was so sick of me. My father got put in jail. No one loves me.” She changed her last statement. “No one loves me, but you.” She liked being able to say that now. It felt nice.
“Yes,” he said smiling pushing a lock of her golden hair behind her ear. “You are beautiful. Especially with no hair dye. I like it better gold than black.” She never thought of that. She hated everything about her, and she never thought anyone liked stuff about her.
“I like you bald,” she said remembering the time he had tried to be a skinhead for a day. He liked hair.
“Well, you’re going to have to deal. I’m not shaving my head ever again,” he said kissing her.
“I think I’ll live,” she said in a seductive whisper.
“I think going to bed is a good idea,” he said. She knew what he meant. “Take two?” She laughed.
“OK,” she said taking his hand. They walked into her room and tumbled onto her bed. That tired her out. Maybe she should eat. She waved the thought out of her mind and got back into the moment.
The next day she woke up extremely happy and rested, but sore. What had they done? Oh well, she was happy. What a new sensation! That rung a bell. New sensation, RIGHT! They had sex! She remembered now. Wow, no wonder! She looked over and saw Garth totally dead on the other side of the bed. He was so hot asleep, she thought. She got out of bed and heard him wake up.
“Cam?” He asked sitting up. “What time is it?”
“3 in the afternoon,” she said laughing from the dresser.
“Oh,” he said. “I guess we should get up then.”
“Way ahead of you,” she said.
“We are not very good at being emo away from school,” he said walking over to get some clothes.
“Yeah, oh well,” she said. She could care less.
“Do you want breakfast?” He asked. It was Tuesday; she hadn’t eaten in almost a week. She felt really hungry.
“Sure,” she said throwing her hands in the air. “Why not?” Garth smiled.
“Yay!” He said.
She loved his excitement. She started walking down the hall then stopped.
“It’s Tuesday,” she said.
“So?” Garth asked not looking up from the frying pan he was using on the stove.
“We had school!” Cameron said. Garth looked up.
“Whoops,” he said.
She just blew it off and went to get dressed. This was great! She didn’t go to school, she was eating, and she had sex. Today was the best day she had had in about two years. She laughed, finding that skipping school, and eating were such excitements to her. But, whatever!
For the next two weeks, everything was great. She was eating and Garth and her had never been happier, until she came down with the flu. She was in bed for a week before she started considering going to the doctor. She went through everything it could be in her head and what she had done in that last month when she realized.
“Garth,” she called from her room. “Come here.”
“What?” He asked coming in.
“Um,” she didn’t know how to ask him. “Did you-“ she trailed off.
“Did I what?” He asked. She looked at him. He understood. Crap.
“Um, no,” he said sheepishly.
“No?!” She screamed. “What do you mean no?” She couldn’t believe it
“Sorry Cam, I forgot,” he said. He didn’t seem very upset.
“I have to go,” she said ripping the covers off and getting dressed.
“Where are you going?” He asked following her with his eyes.
“Nowhere,” she said shoving on her shoe and running out the door with her purse.
“Bye,” he called after her.
“Bye!” she shouted angrily at him before slamming the door.
Oh G-d, oh G-d, oh G-d she thought as she walked into Walgreens. She scanned the aisles until she found the one she was looking for.
She looked at her options, “What’s the difference?” She said out loud.
“Do you need some help?” Asked a worker in a green apron.
“No,” she said. Last thing she needed was help from one of these morons.
She picked out a pregnancy test then walked to the counter.
“11.48,” the clerk said. 11.48? What a random price! She was trying to think about other things.
“Thank you,” she said.
“Would you like a bag?” The person called after her as she ran out of the store.
“I don’t give a f***,” she whispered under her breath and she stomped out of the drug store and back to her bike.
“Hey,” Garth said as she walked in. “Where are you going?”
“The bathroom,” she said pragmatically.
“OK,” he said. “Hi how are you? Good? I love you. I love you too.” Pretending to be her so he could have the conversation he was planning to have with her when she walked in instead of the “I really don’t want to talk to you right now, so f*** off” chat they did have.
Cameron locked the bathroom door then read the instructions. After completing her “mission” of sorts, she waited for five minutes, the most interminable five minutes she had ever experienced, and, heart racing, looked at the pregnancy test. Her heart sank. She began to cry when she saw the result.
“So?” Garth asked looking up from a magazine.
“Positive,” she said bursting into tears. She fell onto the couch and curled up in a ball. Garth moved over next to her.
“Cam, I’m sorry,” he said. She scooted away.
“Don’t get near me,” she said. “You have done enough damage.” He frowned.
“It was an accident, Cam-“
“Save it,” she yelled getting up from the couch.
“Cam, it was an accident,” he said.
“I hate you!” She said running out of the house.
“Cameron!” He yelled running after her.
“I don’t love you,” she said running down the street.
“Where are you going?” He asked.
“Nowhere!” She said. She ran down the street, and all the way into the next town over before stopping on an overpass. Garth was close behind her.
“What are you doing Cameron?” He asked catching his breath.
“Nothing,” she said looking out over the highway.
“Cameron-“ She kissed him.
“I love you,” she said. “Well, I used to.”
“Cam, what are you doing?” He asked his eyes filling up with tears.
“Just say you love me,” she said.
“What are you doing?” He demanded. “Tell me.”
“Just tell me you love me!” She shouted powerfully.
“I love you,” he said.
“Good,” she said. “Good bye, Garth.” She said hoisting herself onto the ledge.
“Cameron!” Garth called.
“I love you,” she said letting herself fall.
“Cameron!” He called looking over the edge of the overpass, watching her fall to her cement-covered death. He couldn’t look anymore. Nothing mattered, because there was no one left. It felt like there was no one in the world anymore. He felt his heart break and that was the last thing he felt.

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SunShineSparkle said...
May 27, 2010 at 9:58 am
dude dis was kinda weird but for sum reason i kinda liked it
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