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I guess it didn’t hit me until the moment I stepped through the door. And though I kept saying I was over it, I can’t help but feel angry, hurt and silent. I knew what I was supposed to do and what I was going to do. I would walk past, sit in my seat for the rest of class and leave behind any slim chances. It would be quick, painless and I’d easily move on from it. If anything, the entire experience would rest within me and I would use it to grow and become slightly less…me.
That’s what I’m supposed to do and that’s what I did. I walked past him, didn’t even meet his eyes and sat in my seat in the far back corner. I did things to keep my hands busy but my mind tuned into every one of his words. My heart pounded as ‘what-ifs’ ran through my mind, but my body stayed still and at this moment, I have to thank myself. The bell rang, he didn’t say goodbye to anyone as he would more than likely see them later. I didn’t bother noticing if he said anything to me, just packed my things and walked out of the room, fingers shaking with restrained emotions.
I wanted to yell, throw things, cry, scream, but I kept my face blank, walked out the door and didn’t look back.
The rest of the day should have passed by in a blur as my thoughts remained clouded with his departure, but it dragged on, the minutes barely ticking along. And as the last bell rang, they all shouted with joy and relief while I attempted a half-smile, said a solemn goodbye to my friends and trekked home.
I didn’t feel the heat of the summer day or the cool touch of my house keys in my hand, just looked around the empty home and sighed deep enough to feel its echo within my chest.
I was numb until my backpack hit the floor and then it all came out. Everything that I have carried for two years, the frustration, the silent affection, came out in another long, drawn out sigh that dares to shake the foundations of my mind. And suddenly, it wasn’t just about him anymore. It was all of the everythings and every part of the nothings.
All of the things that I thought I had processed and come to terms with exploded over and over until I felt the pain, the stinging behind my eyes. I didn’t cry, just sucked in shaky breaths and tried to stop the sharp pain.
I can’t remember how long I stayed like that, leaning against the door, bag at my feet and body shaking under the pressure of my mind, but I heard them drawing closer to the door and in moments, I was once again calm and composed.
Resembling the same person who sat in that desk, in that back corner.
My chest tightened once again but I shifted through the ache, frantically picking myself off the floor.
I didn’t know it at that moment, but I would later see it, one final message, one final post from him:
“Off to new things; will miss you guys”
It wasn’t to me; it wasn’t even remotely referencing me. It was to his friends, the ones that he actually cared about and I was just lost in the middle. I didn’t know it at that moment as I made myself presentable to my family, but it would be that knowledge that would finally let move on and even now, I don’t know if that will ever be a good thing.
I just know that what resides here is my future, not my past. I will continue to see him until that one day will come when the bell rings and what I did and what I wanted will remain different paths…