My reality

May 13, 2010
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August 22nd
Dear journal,
“Loser……..Loser…….Hey loser, are you going to talk?.....Loser! Are you too stupid to talk?” Those are just some of the words that unceasingly taunt me, words that prevent me from sleeping at night, that torment me day in and day out. Life is sooo easy as a high school student, you know, no teasing, no violent words, no stupid actions…if that’s what you think, think again. This is my story.

My name is Carson. I am a 15 year old girl and a sophomore at Stillar High. I have no siblings (thank the lord for that one) and I have no friends. I have never had any friends and I don’t want friends. No one would be able to understand my life, so I am not willing to share. Overall, the truth of the matter is, I am always alone and most often interpreted as stupid just because I don’t talk. Well I am going to talk now....

September 3rd
Dear journal,

The first day of school was today…everyone has new clothes, new hair, new shoes, new, new, new, new EVERYTHING! Then there is me, wearing the same clothes since 8th grade! Why do I even question why people call me a loser? It’s becoming more and more obvious to me now that I am writing in a stupid journal to express myself. Lame, lame, lame!

To add onto my lameness, I have had the same hair style since 4th grade! Do you believe that?! 4th grade! I have bestowed so much hatred onto my mother, it is her fault I am this way, HER fault! I wear my hair in my face to prevent people from seeing my bruising and scars on my face. I use my hair as a barrier from the world, I use it to protect from being seen.

November 13th
Dear journal,

Today is Friday the 13th, my favorite day. The reason why it is my favorite day is because people have the same fears that I endure daily. Only once a year they have to live in my shoes. They are unaware of this, but I know it is happening. This remarkable day that I worship, I feel like I belong because everyone is just like me on this day, a fearing loser.

November 15th
Dear journal,

Worst day of my life, most humiliating day of my life, most hated day of my life, most dreadful day of my life, shall I continue? Domestic violence, enough said. Yesterday my mother’s anger got the best of her. (Obviously someone didn’t have good luck on Friday the 13th) I had to show up to school with bruising all over my face, as if me just being me isn’t humiliating enough. My hair tactic usually works (people usually don’t see me), but today it didn’t.

I was sitting in history class in the back of the room when my worst nightmare happened, the teacher called on me. I mumbled the answer under my breath when the teacher states, “Get your stupid hair out of your face and speak up.” I had no response and got sent to the office.
November 17th
Dear journal,
Ever since that day in Mrs. Hersh’s History class, the “jocks” and “cool” kids started talking to me daily and taunting/teasing me relentlessly. These people, I swear, are oblivious to that fact that other people besides themselves have feelings. They have been saying things that shouldn’t be acceptable in a school environment and yet, the teacher sits there and watches, not taking action, not saying a word. Some teacher huh? But the truth of the matter is, no one says anything, everyone just acts as if it is ok.

December 1st
Dear journal,

What a birthday I had yesterday! Wow, it was great. Seriously, no words can show how awesome it was for me to hear a great fight between my parents. My father, well, there is not much to say about him. All you need to know is that he basically has his name written on a bar stool, enough said. And well, my mother, yeah I pretty much already covered her. My father rarely comes home, he usually stays at other people’s houses and 9 times out of 10 it is a different female’s house. Needless to say, my parents are one happy couple. (If you couldn’t tell, that was completely drenched in sarcasm.)

On a normal 16th birthday, it’s all joyful and exciting because you are now the big 16. Once again, I am obviously not normal because I listened to my parents battle to the death. No, I’m just kidding, but it was a pretty large fight. Let me just say, all I can recall from this fight is screaming, yelling, slapping, swearing, and to sum it all up, a door slam. To make the day even better, no one remembered it was my birthday…no one.

December 15th

Dear journal,
Imagine that, the teasing continues. This constant mockery of me is sickening, my stomach clenches at the thought that any one person would have the indecency to even think to do this to someone. If the people that teased me in Mrs. Hersh’s History class had any remote idea of what happens in my life, I would hope they would have some empathy. Whether they know or not, it still does not make it right. I already have enough reasons to cry myself to sleep at night, why does the world insist that I need more?

December 25th
Dear journal,
Why me!? Why me?! Whhhhhhhyyyy me?!?!?!?!?!?!?

January 6th
Dear journal,

I have gone forever without talking, without writing, without anything, just…hating myself. Before Christmas I never thought I could hate myself more than what I did, but I was definitely wrong. Who wouldn’t fight back? Who would just accept it? I’ll tell you who: some stupid, shy, hated, lonely, friendless loser.

January 16th
Dear journal,

I’m in fear that if I tell anyone what happened then they will judge me, dislike me even more (if that’s possible) and there is no way I can handle that. Although, I am ready to tell you, I mean you can’t respond, so I don’t know what I was worried about. You can’t judge…you’re paper! The truth of the matter is that my father did something that is inappropriate in every aspect of life. Let’s just say I have new scars, physically and mentally. Well only one thing to say, I didn’t get my period this month…

March 26th
Dear journal,
3 months later and people are starting to notice…I don’t even know what to do, or say! People are staring. Their glares are permanently imprinted in my memory. I can’t even fall asleep because every time I close my eyes there are people; people are always watching, watching and whispering. There’s no escape, not even hair over my eyes.

March 30th
Dear journal,
The strangest thing happened today. A girl, a real girl, actually defended me. She is the first person that has ever stood up for me. I was walking through the hall and these groups of guys were being really persistent on teasing me, saying things like “Hey stupid girl, did you swallow a horse or something?...You’re looking fatter and fatter every day.” Then a girl stopped them and must have told them off or something like that. I was unaware because I kept walking. She then pursued to catch up to me, after she got the guys to stop.
She was the most talkative person that I have ever observed. She introduced herself as Rachel Kleinz and her mouth was moving a million times faster than any one person could imagine. She must have asked a million questions, but she also informed me of herself. Rachel was a new student (I knew there must have been a reason why she even considered having a conversation with me) from Allenhurst New Jersey. Only one thing I got from that “conversation” was that she had a ridiculous accent.

April 1st
Dear journal,

Overall, today was humiliating. April Fools Day. This is the day that they, as in the “cool” boys, decide to pick on everyone. They send girls flowers and say it’s from them just to crush the girl and say “April Fools loser” Well, today I got sent tampons and a card. The card was a speaking card and it said “April Fools! You don’t need these anymore you pregnant sleeze”…. Although, imagine this, Rachel stood up for me…again. I do not understand this girl; I think she may be from a different planet. Tomorrow I might talk to her for the first time, I guess we will see.

April 2nd
Dear journal,

I talked to her! I can’t believe it! I actually talked to her! Besides speaking to myself, that was the first time I have talked to anyone in, oh jeez, I can’t even remember. She came up to me and asked me how I was. I responded with a “good, yourself?” and she responded back with “good” then went on a normal, daily Rachel rant of hers…She is so nice to me, why is she so nice to me? I don’t get it; everyone tells me that I am a loser. All I know is that it’s good to finally be heard, even if I was too much of a chicken to continue on the conversation.

June 6th
Dear journal,

School is almost out and I am humungous! A lot larger than I was the last time I wrote to you. I am scared to have a baby, but guess what?! I am getting my hair cut today! Rachel convinced me to do so; she said that my hair in my eyes is scary. She is becoming a friend, but I am still unsure if I can trust her.

June 8th
Dear journal,

Last day of school! Today I think was the first day that I have ever felt beautiful. I went over to Rachel’s house and she never asked me about my scars or anything, even though she saw them. She asked if I wanted to put make-up on and that she would do it! She also decided to curl my hair and after I was done….I felt like I could accomplish anything!

June 10th
Dear journal,

Rachel told me today that when I was ready I could tell her who the father of my baby was and how I got the scars on my face. I really like how she doesn’t make fun of me or pressure me into doing anything. Ever since her, the teasing in Mrs. Hersh’s class stopped! Can you believe it? Actually stopped! (: I am so grateful to her now.

June 12th
Dear journal,

I told her. I told her everything! And she listened, she didn’t judge. Although she does think that I should go to the police because no one deserves that and she convinced me that it wasn’t my fault and well, I believe her. After all this time I finally realize that it is NOT my fault!

July 28th
Dear journal,

My parents got arrested today. My father got arrested of 1st degree sexual assault and my mother got arrested for child abuse. They may never see the light of day again. Those people were hardly people at all, they were monsters. I guess I was supposed to be scared when my father was getting into the police car swearing to kill me once he got out, but I could not feel any happier. Happiness…what a wonderful feeling, a wonderful feeling that I am experiencing for the first time. Tomorrow I move into Rachel’s home.

July 29th
Dear journal,

I am officially part of a new family. Boy, does it feel good. This family is accepting and loving…everything I could ever ask for and more. People ask me if I regret not going to the police sooner, but I always answer with a “no” because if I would have gone to the authorities sooner I would have never been sisters/ best friends with Rachel.

August 9th
Dear journal,

My baby was born today. Her name is Aleeya Rose Stiphen, she’s incredible. It’s indescribable all of the emotions I was feeling when I saw her for the first time. Let’s just say instantaneous tears, not tears of fear, but tears of joy. I’m sorry, but I do not need you anymore journal. I am a strong, independent mom.

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This article has 1 comment. Post your own now!

CarolynQ said...
May 20, 2010 at 9:10 pm
Incredibly upsetting to read, yet truely inspiring to get through it... the ending is so strong. And not a loser, misunderstood and long overlooked. truely a beautiful ending.
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