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Perte de l'Amour (Loss of Love)
“You woke me from a dream about you,
Just to say that you were leaving
I'm sleepy but I thought that you said our love,
That would last forever is ending”
Well I now know that all hope is gone. I will never feel it, I’m always alone and I guess that is the way it’s meant to be. I really don’t know what it feels like to be in love and because of her I will never have the chance to find out. I hear my friends talk about the butterflies they get and the warmth they feel. I hear them talk about all the smiles and the pleasure that comes with this sensation, this sensation that I will never understand. She had always been around, maybe not for me but at least I could pretend like she may have loved me. There was no one else like her, she had the best personality, the best looks, and you could virtually say this girl was perfect, but I guess I wasn’t. It was probably two weeks ago when it happened, and it still hurts just as bad as it did two weeks ago. This is my story, and maybe you will listen.
Her name was Carlie. Carlie and I had been friends for quite a while now; she was my first friend when I moved here. In fact she had been my only friend.
I told my parents that I didn’t want to move because I didn’t want to have to say goodbye, but they said it was for dad’s job so we had to. They said it would be nicer, better here. They told me to say goodbye, to leave everything behind, to say goodbye to all that I had earned, everything I had gained. I had to start all over, again. It had been easier the first time because we were all young, naïve you could say. But now that everyone had grown up they have decided who their best friends are, their cliques and groups. I didn’t have those, I never had those. No friends, no groups, no girls. I was always alone, just like the way it should be. It was sad and frustrating in the beginning, but I learned how to deal with it throughout my 16 years of secluded life. This is why Carlie was so important to me; this is why she had meaning and purpose in my life.
Carlie was the first person to talk to me, the first person to care about me and the first person to even acknowledge me. I didn’t know how to keep a friendship but it had seemed as if I was doing fine. Carlie and I started to hang out on occasion to get to know each other better. This was the first time it seemed like someone actually cared about me. It was an amazing feeling and I loved Carlie for sharing it with me. Carlie and I stayed friends like this all throughout our freshmen year. I felt like I was starting to gain back all that I had lost when we though there wasn’t much to get back. I thought that maybe I loved Carlie, and maybe she loved me back.
Sophomore year had started and for once I was excited to go to school. I was excited because I wasn’t alone anymore; I finally had someone by my side. Carlie and I hung out like we always did to talk and relax etc. It was nearly halfway through sophomore year when it started to happen. Carlie had told me about him and I wasn’t bothered by it because I knew that she would always be there for me and I for her no matter who came along or what happened, we had that type of bond. I thought she would get over him because we were so close, I thought maybe she would see this “love” that we created. But for some reason it seemed like she was drifting. I saw her less and less. We talked less and less. Every time I saw her with him my heart stopped. There was no more beating. No more purpose for it beating. I was losing the closest thing I had felt to love; I was losing my only friend.
I thought she cared. But I guess she hadn’t, just like everyone else. All I thought was: how could she do this to me? Didn’t she care? Didn’t she understand? It didn’t hit me as hard as it should have in the beginning but two weeks ago it hit, and it hit hard. I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore, there was no point in me being around if no one cared. I served no purpose to anyone let alone life itself. If there was anything I didn’t want it was to be alone again, to have no one there for me.
Two weeks ago I lost love, my love, the only love I had ever come close to. Two weeks ago I lost that relationship. And two weeks ago I lost my life.