Painfull Love

April 13, 2010
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"I'm...Uh...going to be si..." She leaned over the bed so as not ruin the covers but happily ruining my brand new shoes, which by the state of them would probably be going back in their box.
"Sorry" She murmured wiping her chin with the back of her hand, smiling apologetically up at me. I squeezed her other hand and walked out of the room carefully closing the door. I made my way to the kitchen before taking of my shoes holding them up as if they were lethal. McKenzie came in at that point holding a jar containing a giant spider.
"Sweetie, What's that for?" I asked ready to take it of him but as I expected he resisted.
"I found it and I it caught myself!" He said with a hint of pride in his voice. He pulled the old jam jar nearer his chest afraid I would harm the spider.
"Well Done! But what are you planning to do with it?" I asked turning my attention to the washing machine which had just washed the old duvet covers of Penny from last night.
"Em...Mummy can I keep it?" He asked innocently swaying from side to side waiting for my reply. I looked round at him and scooping into my arms said;
"Alright, only if you promise never to let it wander the house, Okay?" He nodded and I spun him round like I used to do with Penny when she was his age. He laughed warming my heart more than a summer’s day. These were the moments that mattered and I knew more than anyone that these were the moments that needed to be cherished because anything can take them away as quick as they came.
"Of you go and show Mr Spider his new home, then!" I said letting my son go just like I had let Penny go all those months ago and now I could never get her back. I was sure I could here Penny shouting for me but when I got up to her room she was sleeping more than she had slept last night. I sat beside her stroking back what was left of her hair from her face. I got up and opened her window to let some air into her stuffy sickly room. The carpet was stained but it probably wasn't worth replacing it.

When I was in the garden collecting the washing Mrs Hartley leaned over the fence.
"Busy today?" She asked as if we talked like this all the time.
"No not really" I said picking up the basket. It was quite warm outside and I thought about going to the beach with Penny and McKenzie but knew that wouldn't happen.
"How's Penny?" I had forgotten Mrs Hartley was still standing in her garden watching me.
"She's surviving"
"You know I admire you, so much courage"
"What? Penny has more courage than me" I walked over to the fence Mrs Hartley was leaning on.
"Oh I know that but you've looked after her so well and that little boy of yours as well" I smiled but did not agree with her.
"You know me and the grandchildren are going to the beach today you could come if you want, for a break" She said.
"Oh...I couldn't Penny she can't really go anywhere but couldn't you take McKenzie could you? It's just I can't take him anywhere if Penny stays home"
"Oh Yes I would love to. I'm sure he'll have no trouble playing with my Laty's boys" I could have kissed her, here she was giving me this opportunity to have a break and for my son to have some fun before the summer was over.
"Bring him over in half an hour"

McKenzie was so excited when I waved him of. When I got back in the house Penny was sitting half sliding on the stairs. I quickly went to her aid.
"Oh! Penny what are you doing?" I asked her.
"Getting a drink of water" She said. She knew she couldn't even do these simple things but she always persisted.
"Look when you’re a bit better you get ten drinks of water but for now just let me get you one, okay?" I said letting her lean on me for support back upstairs to bed.
"I'll get better, mum, won't I?" she asked looking at me for reassurance. The doctor had said there would be times when she could walk and go outside but there would also be times were she would be coughing up blood sleeping and to weak to live properly.
"Yes you will but you've just got to wait" I kissed her cheek and soothingly rocked her back and forth until she was just my daughter and not a cancer sufferer who could die at the young age of fifteen and who could die before she had had a chance to live.

The waiting was horrible and it took forever or maybe I just thought that. Through the night Penny had turned worse coughing up blood it even came out her nose. She was weak and sick. McKenzie was sitting in the waiting room of the Hospital now with me. I let him play with one of his cars he had. Sometimes I wish I was him with no idea of how much pain his sister was in. I didn't want to lose Penny but there was nothing I could do and that was what was killing me inside. The doctor came into the room with a look on his face which was not good.
"Could I speak to you alone, outside please?" He asked walking back out of the room again. I hugged McKenzie telling him I’d be just outside and back soon.
"Your daughter is fine, well..."
"I know what you mean. So I can take her home?" I asked relieved.
"Penny is going to undergo Remission induction. The aim of this is to rapidly kill most of the tumour cells and get Penny into remission" He said.
" this the start of her treatment?" I couldn't believe that finally after all this time she would actually be getting some help. I might get my daughter back.
"Would you like to see her?"

Penny looked much better since I last saw her. McKenzie even came in with me and sat on Penny's bed.
"Mum can I go home?"
"No sweetie you’re staying here tonight" I said managing to smile.
"But at least your getting treatment" Penny nodded in agreement although she and i knew she still had a lot more pain to go through first. McKenzie and I went home and left her in the company of the hospital staff for the night.

I couldn't sleep and the covers were wrapping around my body making it hard to breath. It was a warm night or maybe I was just warm and sleepless. McKenzie was having no trouble sleeping and I should have been happily sleeping, this was the only night I’d had with no interruptions for a long time. Going downstairs I started to wash the leftover dishes that I hadn't had enough time to clean. Keeping busy was the best solution it saved me from crying and thinking. Music, I wanted noise, something to keep my mind and ears occupied with. The music player sat untouched on top of the counter. The radio was on, the one with the man who loved the sound of his own voice and barley even played a song for the whole time he was on air. I suppose he would have to do, better than my own thoughts anyway. It was two in the morning and the dishes were cleaned and put away. I gave in, the tears rolled down my face and I knew in the morning I would have red swollen eyes but I couldn't stop. Penny was going to make it through so what was wrong with me? I guess it was that exact overwhelming fact, after all this time and effort. I could here something, not sure what it was I held my tears in. McKenzie came downstairs cuddling a teddy he'd had for years from his father.
"Mummy, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. Come sit here" I said wiping my face with my hand and as he sat down on the on the cold tiles of the kitchen, where I had found myself, I tucked my son into my arms just as the radio began to play Angel by Beverly Mitchell.

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