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Regrets

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Dear journal,





BOOM! As always, something happens Another day in the ghetto life with noise, drama, and walking around in a big black hole. Life is not the same ever since the last week of December. Everything went by so fast and I didn't even get a chance to think over what was happening, what i did wrong, and whether I could ever turn my life around like it was before.



I wish that i could see her again, that just one day I could hug her like I did before, the way i always would kiss her good night .I missed her ,life couldn't be the same with out both of them actually . Now that all this drama is going more pressure has come to my attention where it comes to a part that i can't even sleep at night . I love my family i do but why does things always happen to me ? is it for a purpose ? i just need an answer where i can just forget about everything that has ever happen to me . I know some people want to help me get through what I'm going through but they just don't feel my pain and what people want from me . Its indescribable at times i don't even know whats going on in this dark cold black hole of mine .Wanted to be helped is one thing but needed to help is one totally different thing .Should i tell someone anyone how i feel ,how i can't sleep ,eat,or even wake up at times .

Are you home boy?
" yeah I'm here "

oh! "are you hungry boy i been calling to see if you wanted some food from burger king but i got you some McDonald ".

"Thanks but i ain't so hungry i had some patties from the corner store" .



" So boy how you feeling today "?better?

"good "

i wish i can tell her let it all out and just say how i feel about this place and why i do the things i do . She don't know that i have my heart like a piece of paper just burned into ashes . I'm just alone in this cruel world .

" Okay" I'm of to work again see you later ,please don't get into trouble again" .

I wonder how she is and how she feels i really should be there with her and apologise for what i did ,but i cant she don't want me around her no one does i think to my self where to go and why i should be around the people I'm around .

My name is John V. for short I'm eighteen years old and i have no job,school diploma ,and now a family for doing the things i know where not for me of course . My family loves me they just want the best for me so they letting me figure out everything by myself and its not working.Every night i think to my self should i or should i not i just wanna live a good life with my family again but at the thoughtful points i wanna die i grabbed that knife so many times right next to my arm or my heart thinking if i should just take a blow and SLASH! I'm died at least that's what they maybe want me to be DIED ! . I don't blame them for hating me for what i did i guess . I'm not perfect,i never got good grades , try to work but i didn't work out . I'm a FAILURE! a big one at that one ,but i don't need anyone to tell me that i know .I'm got money people ask me from where i get it well the look at me like I'm a nut job when i tell them i work at Wendy's and i do i don't do that nasty crap coke,smoking jays,selling any kind.
I left that night where everyone was around me in a circle blaming me telling me i needed to be helped i needed a counselor to be able to talk about how i feel,and what is going on in my mind .I couldn't take what they where saying and how they thought about my reaction of why i did what i did . I told them i wasn't going to stay i was going to grab my things and leave i don't need to be here ,they don't want me here I'm not welcomed like i was before i knew that if i stayed i would be the talk of the family for a long time until someone else does something crazy .I know she ain't ganna forgive me after what i did that's why i left and i know she told me to stay but i cant it hurts to much to even wake up and know I'm still living there .

I stole that's all i know i did ,I stole from the lady that took me and my sister in when we was still young when our parents died .I john don't know why i did it but i did and i just wish i can take it back i just knew i couldn't . So i just blamed it on them for blaming me and screaming at me because i stole the MONEY ! yup the money i knew it was wrong i just spent it on my girlfriend,clothes and jewelry .They as in everyone thought i used it for drugs to pay back someone i was in trouble with .A short period after i got caught with it and well i went to jail got out and got in rolled into job court and that is where my fixing began .My girlfriend is pregnant i was happy but sometimes she gets all my nerves .I left here she asked why/ i told her i needed some time alone and she knew that i was ganna leave her with that baby soon when it arrived .Nah but it wasn't like that i will go back with her i just needed time and i just don't need anymore pressure then what i already had she knew nothing about that night and what went down she don't even know that i got caught with drugs on me i didn't tell her i didnt want her to be scared of me i would think she wouldn't let me see my baby "our baby ".

Last week i got into a fight with this gang that was waiting for me to pay off the money i needed to give them before the end of the month . I didnt have it . I felt the punches go in and out and the blood go in and out . I couldn't hear anything it was mute around me and i was blinded by the light .
I'm going away for some time to get my life straight and do some thinking ,i got into some trouble so i have to go but atleast I'm not around people with drugs,loud music in the morning,drama,and well of course home all day well its not my home In life people keep telling me that you have to become a drug dealer,selling that coke,pot,blunt,jays,and all that other stuff they do in the streets .I was raised with a good home ,a caring mother and father,i got the clothes ,the money,and the bling bling .I ain't need no punk to give me all that i had to earn and ask for it .I did steal from my mother once okay a couple times but still i used it to buy some shoes from a friend . To become rich and famous you have to drop out of school and deal in the street to get money you ain't need no one to give you that money you earn it . people always say to "stay off them books & head to the street " but nah i went to school tryed to get an education.

You see my step-father died when i was 16 yrs old and my mother died a year later i was 17 at that time i got a Lil sister that i love alot but i was stressed and i ain't have no one . Only my rest of the family i lived with my aunt for sometime ,but got into to that deep s*** and well i bounced and headed for the streets ,to sell that blunt &s*** it was just to get money .I was alright i guess but i droped out of school maybe ima go back don't know but my friends say just to keep on dealing and s*** but that ain't me .I don't wanna die like i seen others do ,but i got to take care of my reputation because i don't want no one say in I'm a baby tryin to hide from this drug world.

My life is already heading the wrong way i got things to do,people to take care of . I'm just trying to set my life straight from people .I bet one thing if i ever go to jail for drug sealing none of my friends would come and see me they don't give a s*** about me or what happens to me in jail .Then one night it happened i got caught and well i had to do the time kinda like for three days it wasn't that bad i guess .

Dear Journal,



i was walking down my street today when i heard gun shots and i thought i was ganna die and never get to see that people i love . Nah but it was this dirty a** n***** playing games with my crew trying to deal money off of them ,we don't play that shit we real n*****s. So i ran when the police was coming but nah i got caught my n*****s ran like some dogs and i ,john was in some big a** trouble. I knew my aunt ain't ganna get me out this shit hole ima have to stay and suck it up like every other dog in this dirty place . But i wanted to stay maybe if i learned .

ima be out soon it ain't that long till i get out ima just get trial and s*** and they ain't ganna say anything . so ima just be me for now




























Love,John


Dear ,Aunt Liz

job court its straight up here I'm in Vermont and i have friends they have somethings in common with me ,i get $56.00 a week for my choirs around where i stay . Also taking some classes to get my high school diploma i wanna be able to go to college even though life can be hard but i will succeed in life . "Have you talked to Jessica "?called but the phone is not in service . I like it down here the weather is nice . I hope all is fine and the family is good .There is not a day that goes by when i lay in my bed thinking about why i did the things i did , i wanna start life over and just ask people to forgive me for my mistakes and my pain i caused them to go through .


"OH MY GOD !what the hell are you doing here boy didn't i tell you not to do this s*** again "
"
Yeah i know and i ain't never ganna stop why don't ya just leave me alone and let me die like ya want me to for all of ya can live a better life without me "

"you listen here boy you are not ganna talk to me like that I'm not your mother or your n***** from the street so i suggest you better watch who you talking to ".

I got back home after 3 weeks in that place i called a s*** hole .I looked around all i see was prostetus and drug dealing .It was dirty around the neighborhood ,killing,sex,drugs,police everywhere .I was shocked i thought that life can't get any worse . I decided to change my life 100 degrees and i was ganna make a change in my life like i said before .
I got to the door of my aunts house where some guys where standing it was niffa and charlie and the crew the was just standing there like some status .

"YO"
" Yeah"
"you back and that means back to work n**** so ima see you in the morning "
"Nah homey ima chill i just got out and i aint going back in so you can look for another sucker in the street "
WHAT ! NAH i dont play that shit you joined and you ganna stay one of us i don't care if you dont wanna do it you baby "
BUNCH! I hit his face that he fell my aunt came out the care and she looked at me i told her to get inside with the kids .

"iight ! that's how its ganna be i see homeboy ima just have to give you a surprise then ".

They left they had to leave i would had just call the cops .but i aint so i went inside and chilled for a little with my aunt and kids i was straight .she aint talk to me she was scared about what she had seen and i was to i would had never done that i mean i did but im not that type of guy .

RING !RING!RING! it was the phone at 8oo am in the morning and i was tired to even get it .
HELLO!
"JOHN"! its jessica help me im home and niffa here he coming up stairs he trying to take me HELP M ......!

All i knew that my baby was taken and i was nt ganna let that roll i straped myself
BOY!WHERE YOU GOING !?

I aint answer all i know i was ganna get my baby back she needed me .

I went to niffa house and the gang was there .
NIFFA! COME HERE I WANT MY GIRL WHERE SHE AT ?COME IMA FIGHT YOU .
I had my gun and i was ganna use it i knew i was .
NAH! "its not ganna role like this give me my girl back and we all forget this ever happened" .
nah im good your girl i can have her she don't want you anymore .

RUN !RUN!RUN! THE POLICE !
the crew ran i went after niffa i thought in my head that i was ganna go to jail if i shot him or if i didnt shot him i was ganna die and i aint going down like that ,. my heart was pounding hard and i was running with all my strenth like a football player .

He fell i shot him ,oh my god i shot him ! it was over i shot him 3 times till the police came and toke the gun . I ran back to the house where he lived to get jessica where niffa's brother was there he was my brother but he toke my girl and i wasn't ganna let that happen . i grabed him and we fell down the strairs . he fell and aint wake up he got hit with the ramp while falling down.
"JESSICA"
" JOHN"
I gave her a big huge and told her "its over baby"
"I LOVE YOU "

i had court in a week i had some cuts and bruises .The judge gave me three month in job court about the time i get back home ima be a DAD! jessica was pregnant i was happy .so i packed my things and of i was ganna go .I knew i was ganna get my life together like it was before i got into all this mess .



DEAR , JOURNAL
I been released from job court and now im back home with my family and life is better than ever yup jessica had a healthy baby boy ! i was happy . his name is Hector 6bls and 14ounces . I was a proud parent i was ganna teach him right from wrong i don't want my son to make mistakes i did and i was never ganna do them again . life is good i live with my wife jessica and the baby that's 6months already . My family is good i love them ,and we all get along we have a great bond. I work at the book store and teach reading for kids and my son is part of that i love reading to him .I learned from my mistakes and im proud of myself thanks to my family and job court i am and always will me a proud dad and husband .


would had been better cuz and u would be a good person look a me you and why you like else use can be nice better and use and like a better person .





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