Dear Jacob

April 6, 2010
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Dear Jacob,

1 January 2010

Today, I stayed home from school. I wasn’t really sick; I’m well most of the time that I do this. I’m just—tired. I look at the day with weary eyes and a silent tongue. All I do is think, and thinking just leads to trouble. I feel no obligation for, well, almost anything anymore, especially school. I go, and I sit, and I look, and I learn. I write, I test, and I forget. Perhaps, if I went to a school to specialize in something I want to do, I wouldn’t not feel something? Anything… ?

Maybe, I just do not feel. Certainly, not like others.
I want too much. I want to be normal, I want to be special.
I want someone or something to answer all of my questions.
I want to stop complaining. Complaining gets you nowhere. Whining solves no one’s problems, not indefinitely, at least. What have I to complain about, anyway? What gives me the right to be unhappy? I have a home, I have the necessities (food, water, et cetera), I have family, I have friends… I have almost everything I could vaguely want.
Of course, there’s the possible answer that simply hangs in the air, ever-so undesirably.
Perhaps, I am missing a piece, to this puzzle of intricate and abstract patterns. It is not what I want, but what I need.
But what do I need?
Oh, geez, my life is starting to sound like that of a Disney’s princess’s dilemma.
I have never actually admitted it before because I thought it was best not to make a big deal out of it and let it control my life, but… I’m depressed, clinically so.
I have depression.
I need help.

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