Dear Diary

April 2, 2010
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I stare into the mirror sometimes, and when I do the person I hate stares right back at me… "I hate you today as much as I did yesterday," I say, "maybe even more." And right there before my own eyes, the girl who seemed unbreakable broke. The girl, who seemed so strong, crumbled. The girl, who always laughed, cried. The girl, who never stopped trying, started to give up. Now I'm standing here in the rain cold and alone, but the fault is my own.
As it is, I love him more than he will ever know; he's the eighth color in my rainbow and in the end I fell in love with him because of a million tiny things he never knew he was doing... And I wonder if he can help me to find a way to carry on again, and get over my infatuation?
But we're so distant at times, that we might as well be strangers rather than the occasional friend.
After so many tries I've learned something though. I can't give up, it's No Use!
Just one look into his eyes, one look and I'm crying because he's so beautiful. I hate his smile, but only because it takes the pain away if only for a minute, because it's then that I realize, it's someone else he's smiling at. Sometimes it kills me to know, that what's killing me has no effect on him.
Is it so hard to believe that our hearts are made to be broken?

When I lay wondering about life, I come to realize I'm lost in dreams not quite my own.
And suddenly I'm afraid to love him because everyone that said, "I'll be there," left. It's like once you've been hurt, you're scared to get attached again, like you have this fear that if you fall for someone again they'll break your heart- and yeah... you're probably right... but the thing is... he's never said he'll be there... I guess that's good.
But I have no control of my heart it seems, for it beats for him alone, and every time I see him, I melt in his eyes. My heart is his to fill or bury, or to wear as jewelry, whichever he'd prefer, because somewhere between all of our laughs, long talks and stupid jokes, I fell in love with him. "Kill me!" I cried, but love said, "No." In the end I came to accept it. "A Solitude unending," at this, my heart wept.
There's six billion souls in this world and as it turns out, sometimes we only need one…
But I wonder… do I have a chance at love so unplanned? Can I just walk up to him and say, "I've fallen for you…" or "I'd do anything to get closer to you?" no, that would be…foolish…it would cause an unnecessary discomfort, I think… but perhaps, if I were just blunt? No… I suppose not… but that suits me well enough. I'm used to being alone, it's all I can depend on these days.
It's safer that way.
A friend told me once, "Don't let a guy build you up with his words, because the higher you are the harder you fall, and, at some point, you'll always fall... it only takes a second to have a crush, it takes a minute to like someone and it takes an hour to fall in love... but it takes a lifetime to forget a person..." But then, I said to her, "Isn't that what love is? To give someone all of your heart and trust them not to break it? Isn't love about being with each other and experiencing the highs and lows of a real commitment?" and surprisingly… she had nothing to say…
Ah, but my hopes are so high, his smile might kill me… so why not let him smile so I might die happy?
An old Indian man I met at a drumming told me once, "Wolf~speaker, every person and all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them to you. What you choose to do with them is up to you." and as I think on this I realize, I made the decision of what I wanted to be to the man who held my heart…

A friend.

For that, now, I am glad. Wolf~caller, the old Indian man told me something else unforgettable that night, when we said farewell for the last time in this life, he said, "Cub, hear these words I say and take them to heart. Do not be dismayed at goodbyes, for a farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, be it after moments or lifetimes is sure for those who are true friends." and as it is… soon the time for me to say goodbye to he who holds my heart will come, for it is soon that I will leave this place we share to start anew in a new town with more strangers… I can only hope he is aware of what he means to me…
Sometimes it depresses me, to be so close, to smile and laugh, and not be able to say what it means… It hurts to be so close at times, that I get so frustrated I could scream… but better to suffer around him then to hurt without.
I only wish I was brave enough to tell him how much I love him…
Now it is time I took my leave…
~Signed by a broken heart.
My friends I leave you with this last note;
Laugh you heart out, Dance in the rain, Cherish the moment, Ignore the pain, Live, laugh and love, Forgive and forget, Life is too long, To live with regret





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