For days, I’ve been lying here, motionless. These constant flashbacks are slowly killing me and these awful memories will not escape my thoughts. You know, the ones that play over and over in your dreams. It‘s funny how you can‘t remember things word from word that made you happy. For instance, the conversation that you and Brandon had when he finally asked you out. Instead, we get stuck remembering horrible, life-changing experiences--every second of them. Crying doesn’t do much; it just gives me these massive headaches. I feel as if I’m losing my mind. Or maybe not. Maybe, I’ve lost it already. My heart hurts, and despair is my only feeling. I can’t wait to feel numb, you know. I don’t want to feel anything. Not the glass in my eyes. Or the banging of my head on the dashboard. Or the devastating pain, overtaking my entire body. Or the sound of the sirens. But, most of all, I don’t want to feel the complete mortifying hell that I felt when I saw his face. When I heard his heart no longer beating in his chest. It’s been four days, eight hours, and fifteen minutes since it happened. Yes, I’ve counted, seeing that there is nothing else that I can do, lying paralyzed in this hospital bed. I also know that the ceiling has exactly twelve holes in it. Everything just seems a lot clearer now. Either that, or I’m just imagining these things. I just don’t understand why. Why didn’t God take me? He might as well have, seeing that he took my soul. Now, I’m just a ghost of a person, as if I’ve made a deal with the Devil. “Good morning, Eva,” said the soft voice I’d been dreading this whole morning since I awoke. The nurse. With the syringe in her hand, she waltzed next to me, taking hold of my arm. No, please. Not again. I tried to fight it, but it’s a battle that even Zeus couldn’t overthrow. My mind slowly muffled, as the medicine dragged me down under, back into the land of unconsciousness. Like clockwork, October 4 appeared, starting from the minute I awoke. As if I were living in the dream, as an outcast, I saw myself waking up from my bed, happy and carefree. “Mom, did you make breakfast?” I yelled, yawning. I arose from my bed, and pulled on my slippers. Following myself, I watched as I exited my room, and walked into the living room. My mom, sitting on the couch, glanced at the past me, over her newspaper. I smiled, and jumped on top of her, giggling as if I were eleven rather than seventeen. “Mommy,” I began, giving her puppy dog eyes, and a syrupy sweet tone. “Can I still go to the beach with Cameron today?” My mom frowned, and her intense gaze settled into my big, brown eyes. Her face, slightly wrinkled from old age, was as lovely as it was when she was only eight. “Eva, I don’t know about this. Something doesn’t seem right. How about you go tomorrow. It’s supposed to rain, anyway.” rambled my mother, looking truly shaken up. No, no, no, Mom. Tell her no. Tell her to stay home today, and if she cries, she’ll get over it. Please, Mom. I said these things aloud, but I knew it was useless. These things already occurred, and there was nothing that I could do to change them. I knew Mom was going to say yes. “Mommmm, please! We’ll be careful, I promise.” I said, begging. I hated the fact that I was so convincing. I hated the fact that my mother would do anything to keep me happy. Never did I know that the freedom she gave me would cause so much pain. “Okay, Eva, but you better be back here by 12:00 sharp.” my mom declared, as the past me kissed her continuously on the cheeks, and her laughter filled the air. Three hours later, I watched myself get dressed. I saw my caramel, flawless skin glisten in my bikini. I saw my long, highlighted brown hair cascade down my back. I saw the belly button ring sparkle in the light. The one I begged my mother for. Staring out the window, I waited for the sound of a car horn. Right on time, it came. I watched myself run out the room, hug my mother, and race out of the door. My heart dropped as I, the present me, saw his face. There were no scratches, no blood. Just beauty. I watched as he came out of his Mustang with elegance. I watched as his gray, seductive eyes focused only on me, as if no one else existed in the world. Never did I know how much his gaze showed off his love for me. His muscular arms enveloped the past me, and I could hear my heart melting. Tears began to blind me, and I felt them cascading down my cheeks. Every second grew closer to the most tragic experience I‘ve ever had to endure. I watched as we got into his car, and started off down the street, and I waved goodbye to my mother. The same worried looked was stamped on her face. I raced down the street after his car, knowing that it wouldn’t be long until the wreck. The rain started, as if on cue. It started off as a drizzle, and soon after, it began to pour. The fact that I was dreaming allowed me to keep up on side of the car. I watched how happy our faces were together, until a small light ruined everything. I saw myself pick up Cameron’s cell phone, and I saw as my faced dropped. I saw his eyes avert from the road, and onto my face. I saw myself ask him the question that triggered his anger. I watched as tears began to roll down my face, and I watched him try to caress me, letting go of the wheel. I hated myself now, for allowing a stupid text message from a girl get me upset. I watched as I pulled away from him, and then I watched as the car came to a halt. Out of no where, I watched as the 18-wheeler approached, and I watched as Cameron shielded me from the impact. Suddenly, I began to scream. Not a scream that you might here when a little girl fell off her bike, or a child spotting a lizard, but an earsplitting shriek. A burst of light swallowed up my sudden darkness, and I felt myself being pulled back into consciousness. I heard myself screaming, and I fought the force holding me down. That’s when I realized that it was my mother. “Baby, it’s okay.” she breathed, crying so hard that she couldn’t fathom to say another word. The hurt in her eyes brought on a world of pain. “Mommy, I am so--” I started, but she gently consoled me as I cried. I know that it’s going to be extremely difficult for me to get by these days without Cameron, but it’s a challenge that I must face. I know that I must forgive myself for how things occurred, and I have to convince myself everyday that this could have happened to anyone. I know that it was God’s plan, and many days, I found myself angry with Him. But, I knew that I had my mother, and she stayed with me everyday and she never left my side. Cameron was an amazing person, and possibly one of the greatest that I’d have the honor of meeting.And that, I'm grateful for. I love you forever, Cam.
April 1, 2010